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Putting the focus where it should be

Posted by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 12:46 PM
  • 44 Replies

"As for my husband's first marriage, I don't care what happened when they were husband and wife, I care about what happens to them as mother and father of two beautiful girls. I don't even refer to Michael's ex as his ex -- we always say, 'the girls' mom.' This makes us focus on what role is really relevant now. " 

Found this quote in an article... 

Do you think this would help more SPs deal with their situation better and take the focus of "what was" (their relationship, accusations of her being jealous, etc) and put the focus on "what it""

by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 12:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
dawnnamarie
by Gold Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 12:48 PM
This is really a good point. It makes it more relevant to the current state instead of dwelling on the past
afwife817
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 12:58 PM
Good idea, the girls mom sounds a bit nicer than the biological unit.
Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 12:59 PM
1 mom liked this

That's how I usually referred to BM. I'm not sure that it made a difference.  I guess there was always enough current BS she pulled that I didn't need to dwell on the past. And the way she treated the kids was always more of an issue to me than her trying to get with DH or anything in their past. But maybe that's why I haven't had a problem with DH talking to BM just curiosity with what was said. 

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 1:03 PM
I think you're on to something. I really don't think of BM so much as being DH's ex but my sk's mom.
....ClvrScn.
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 1:06 PM
1 mom liked this

SD's mom is just that, SD's mom. I teach my children that we respect her as sd's mom, and that is all.

I find that when I was referring to her as "your ex" and a slew of other derogatory names ( within the privacy of my marriage) - I felt more anger towards her.

I *know* BM is jealous of my marriage, she has told me as much. She has also told me that she is jealous of my son. I *know* many of her actions are motivated by her anger, resentment and jealousy -

But - She's still SD's mom and I will still respect her as such.

whatIknownow
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 1:06 PM

yes, and this is why when a poster starts giving details of why their marriage ended ("she cheated on him"), or what she did when they were married ("she didn't even want to have the baby"), it's a clear sign to me that the poster has some hang-up about her SO's romantic past.  These obsessions will always negatively impact her step dynamics.

tiafez
by Platinum Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 1:15 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't think everyone can do this but some can. It's situational. 

I can because no matter how nasty their divorce was, she is a great Mom and I choose to view her as that. Having already been in the BM role it was and is easy for me to see the other side. I get a lot of accusations that I'm "all about BM and anti SM" but I'm not, I'm just prokids. Not every BM deserves to be considered 'just their mom' because those BMs did horrific things or put themselves above raising their kids. I get that but so many of our SM issues are really not so big, it's how we view them. I learned to let Dad fight his own battles but I have no problem pointing out to him when his bitterness over divorce is in the way of what's best for his son. Sometimes we win the battle by putting away our cannons. 

I don't know what will help anyone else but it did help me to stop focusing on her as his ex and start focusing on her as a good mom who loved her kid even though she hated her ex. We will always deal with his ex, we all love his son, but dealing with doesn't mean we have to fight every little thing. We (yes, we as in he and I) have retrained ourselves to let the past go and focus on now. But damn if it wasn't hard to do!


leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 2:00 PM
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I only see BM as SS's mother, that is her only relevance to our household.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 2:19 PM

While I completely agree with the sentiment, it is hard to separate the two when BM continues to process the pain of being an ex-wife and confusing it with her role as Mom.  Some people just can't let go of the resentment of a marriage ending.

I rarely thing of BM as ex-wife.  It is so foreign to me to think of them together since their relationship is so toxic now.  But I have had my moments of jealousy, I'm human, and it does help my perspective when I only think of her as Mom.

Heck, I can barely grok that I was married to BF for 20 years. 

Sept-babies2
by Patriot's Fan on Jul. 30, 2014 at 2:22 PM
1 mom liked this
Actually I never think of her as dh's ex. To be honest I know nothing about what their relationship was like or how it ended. I never cared to ask dh about it, and he never asked me about my sons bio dad. We live in the now and not what was back then.



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