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Not Sure Where To Begin

Posted by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 5:27 PM
  • 23 Replies
First time poster so I'm just gonna shoot straight from the hip and clear up questions later if there are any.

I went to a baby shower on Sunday and there were a lot of women there I am acquainted with but not good friends with by a long shot. They were super inquisitive about my DH's (we've been married 7months) custody arrangement with SS11's mom. A lot of questions about why we have him EOWE and not more. Straight up, they were throwing shade at me for not trying to go for more time.

I'm not one to second guess my life decisions and behavior so it's not that I think my DH and I are doing something wrong by keeping things status quo. Everybody is happy and has been happy with the EOWE schedule for 9years. SS's mom is a phenomenal parent, we have a stress free relationship between all of us, including her spouse, and the kid is a very happy and well adjusted little dude.

My big question is, is this kind of crap going to happen now that I'm a step parent? Am I gonna be judged for things that are not even in my control? Is there some kind of class I missed on how to defend myself on topics that are really nobody's business? I don't understand what they think is wrong and even though those women that think I'm not doing enough don't really matter, it's been on my mind. Is this something other step parents out there deal with regularly?

by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 5:27 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 5:29 PM

I think maybe (hopefully) it was the crowd you were around. They sound ignorant of step issues and how custody works.

by Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 5:31 PM
Seems like you just had an interaction with some rude people. Who asks questions like that? I would have said that everyone is happy with the schedule, it works out well for everyone, and stepkid knows everyone loves him very muc, and them excused myself for punch or food or anything else lol. Short, sweet, and totally curbing the conversation, that would have been my approach.
by ChiefBottleWasher on Jul. 30, 2014 at 5:32 PM
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First Welcome to the group!

Being a stepparent I've been asked a lot of questions that seemed really no ones business. Being new to it I am sure you didn't have your arsenal of responses prepared :)

A simple, "The kids are doing great, the parents have it worked out for the best for the kids" would be a nice way to let them know to butt out maybe?

But you don't owe explanations in general - as in at the grocery store when they say "Oh you have cute kids." A simple "thanks" and out the door you go is fine. Not everyone needs a run down of who you are and the custody arrangement. 

by Bronze Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 5:34 PM

I agree with WIKN, and in fthe future if you encounter people like that I would just say that your DH and BM make decsions regarding what's best for their child, and that's the decsion they made, therefore  you respect it. 

by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 5:49 PM
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Next time someone says something like that you CAn Respond with " we do things this way because all of us adults in the situation are more committed to doing what is best for the kids rather than being committed to seeking the approval of other people ."

Seriously, there is something wrong with people like that.
by Silver Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 5:53 PM

I hope it was just that crowd, too, but it could also be the aged thinking that dads are deadbeats that don't want their kids. Maybe the were trying to see if it was your fault, which is a popular thought as well. Perhaps it was just their inmaturity showing.

Relationships that work well are few and far between. Congrats to you all for making it work!!
by Platinum Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 6:00 PM


Yikes!  I hope it was just those people you are 'acquainted with' but not good friends with. I don't think I'd seem them out for your new good friends either.  :( 

Now I'm curious, how DID you answer their rude questions?  I think your answer here (to us) was perfect, and surely would have shut them up a bit.  I mean, really, if something it working, for EVERYONE, why mess with it?  And, it's really cool that you all get along! 

by Ruby Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 6:15 PM

I've had people question me on our situation as answer was basically-"THis is how DH and BM decided it would be,who am I to interfere?!"

Quite frankly-the group sounds a bit rude. I can understand if they just met you and were trying to get to know you by asking how often you have to judge you for not trying to have him more?!

that's just rude

by Member on Jul. 30, 2014 at 6:28 PM
Thanks for the new comers welcoming and for the wise words girls.

I just sat there with my Fresca and Box wine spritzer (not joking!!) and said, "I want what they want. We have an awesome BM there's no reason to change his life. I would never mess with his life". And ya know, that was that. They probably do think my DH is an absent dad but thankfully, I only have to deal with them very very seldom. It was probably good practice actually as I am sure I will run into more hillbilly step parents on this fabulous road of blended families.

I am really happy to hear from you all that this is more isolated than typical!
by on Jul. 30, 2014 at 6:32 PM
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Fresca and Box wine spritzer...

You will fit in well here..LOL

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