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the second hand mom

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2014 at 9:57 AM
  • 52 Replies
1 mom liked this

I have been feeling down... I feel that I am a second hand mom, I am only allowed to be "mom" at others whims or convenience.... its hard turning off and on the mom role when others want.... How can I completely open my heart when this is happening???? 

by on Jul. 31, 2014 at 9:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 9:59 AM
3 moms liked this

Are you talking about skids?  The best thing to do is never try to be Mom.  Develop a different relationship with the kids that is only for you and can't be taken away.

6isus
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 10:02 AM
Are you a SM? BM? Or both?
sheilalou
by Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 10:42 AM

skids and DH... SD 12 says I dont treat her like I do SD 4 ... I have been SD 4 mom for the past couple of years since her bm is on drugs and in jail aswell as has had no contact with her for over 2yrs (both different moms)... DH and I have discussed adoption and where getting ready to do that.. Now bm of sd4 is in a half way house and wants to parent...  SD4 has called me mom and does not want to talk to bm and since bm has started calling she has started yelling saying im not her mom when she is upset ... SD 12 want me to have the mom role on her terms........... DH says I need to be both girls mom, I tried to tell him I can be an authorative parental figure to sd12 but thats it, she has a mom in her life...I have been mom to SD4 but if her mother is going to be in the picture then our relationship is going to change...

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 10:45 AM
1 mom liked this

This is the problem with thinking your mom when a child has a mom.  Especially with a young child and an absentee mom.  Chances are she will come back.  And mom will always be mom.

What does being mom mean to you?  

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 10:48 AM
9 moms liked this

Stop thinking of yourself as "mom" and start thinking of yourself as "SM." There is no other SM, you are the only one, you will never have to turn your role "on and off" because you own it outright, 24/7.  Just as Mom is Mom 24/7.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 10:50 AM
2 moms liked this

yes, that's true, it is. It is best for your SD to have a good relationship with her mother. I hope her mother can turn her life around and be a good mother to her daughter. But that doesn't mean you will no longer be important in her life.

Quoting sheilalou:

.I have been mom to SD4 but if her mother is going to be in the picture then our relationship is going to change...


heatherann1123
by Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 10:58 AM

It is always so different when you are a sm to a young child than a pre-teen or teen. Being sm means you have chosen your sk's. That you have a similar role as bm, but that you are choosing to be there. Always encourage  the relationships with bm, but let them know you will always be there. Not to upstage the bm, but to be the sounding board they can talk to and go to with concerns when they feel the bm isn't there. 

sheilalou
by Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 11:04 AM

well we where talking about me adopting sd4 but bm getting sober (3 months so far) has kinda put a hault on that, I have never been sd12 mom... I tried to explain to DH that I can now only be SD4 sm/authorative figure... DH thinks Im wrond ande should be mom to both girls

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Jul. 31, 2014 at 11:13 AM
3 moms liked this

Why is he trying to convince you to be a mom to his kids when he knows good and well they have moms? Does he like to revise history often or just when it occurs the women he chose as moms for his kids?

Do you have kids with him? If so (or even if you're just thinking about it)...this could be your future. You guys don't work out, next woman is to be mom. Would you want that?

XXanonymousXX
by Bronze Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 11:32 AM
3 moms liked this
To expand on WIKN's thought... Don't try to be mom, but own being SM. That's who you are, be proud of that. That doesn't mean you can't be there for SD, to do "mom type things", to love her and have her love you. None of that is exclusive to mom, even the "mom type things". If you do it because you love her she will understand that. But if SD thinks you are doing it because you are trying to replace mom, or that you feel her love is exclusive - that she can't love you both, it will damage your relationship with her.

So be proud to be a SM. Let SD know you're proud to be a SM. Make a clear distinction and be the best SM you can be to her.
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