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An epihany about disney parenting...

Posted by on Jul. 31, 2014 at 1:41 PM
  • 116 Replies
26 moms liked this

Reading posts where SMs object to dad favoring or paying exclusive or majority attention to his children when he only sees them EOWE got me thinking about my current situation.

With DDs.

Who I have 85% custody of.

They are 17 and 20 now with boyfriends and jobs and school and multiple commitments.  DH faces the same sort of things with SS16 and SS17 who he has about 40% custody of.  Kids start to prioritize other people over mom and dad as they get older.  Nothing wrong with that.  It is their job.

When I do have some time with them at home on a weekend, my focus is on them.  I will pick time with my DDs over time with DH or SSs on those rare occasions when I have both of them home for any length of time.  And DH does the same thing.

Keep in mind neither of us spoils them or pretends we aren't a parent with parental responsibilities.  That isn't my point.  Just because you only see your child EOWE should not be an excuse not to parent. 

Inevitably, at some point every weekend, DH will take the boys to Guitar Center.  I swear the three of them could life there.  Because I don't like going should I get mad at DH for taking time away from me and DDs?

Our time with our children, skid or bio, intact or divorced, is fleeting and precious.  Before you know it they are getting on a plane in three weeks to study in Sweden until June and you start flipping out.  OK, so I am projecting my own angst.

But seriously, we only have our children in our lives temporarily.  It is their job to leave.  So if your DH wants to spend every precious minute with his child during his woefully small amount of time EOWE, let him.  Support him.   Make room for that in your life.


by on Jul. 31, 2014 at 1:41 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 1:46 PM
4 moms liked this
I agree 100%!

My kids are here 24/7, DH is their BD. I feel this way with them and I don't have to share them with another home.

My priority has, and always will be, my children.
DDDaysh
by on Jul. 31, 2014 at 1:55 PM
1 mom liked this
I don't get the extreme upset. I mean, yes, some people go overboard with guilt parenting and let the kids have ice cream sundaes for dinner, Twinkies for lunch, and give in to demands for ponies. Obviously that's not cool, but choosing to go to the zoo over a movie the kid won't like or putting off painting the trim until the weekend the kid isn't there is not that big a deal.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 3:12 PM
3 moms liked this

Yeah, I fully appreciated that, my parents live in a different country from me and for our children it is inevitable that they will be studying in another country. They are only young once, every year is so different and so precious.

They are still in your lives as adults though but it is in a very different way.

Quoting pdxmum:

Reading posts where SMs object to dad favoring or paying exclusive or majority attention to his children when he only sees them EOWE got me thinking about my current situation.

With DDs.

Who I have 85% custody of.

They are 17 and 20 now with boyfriends and jobs and school and multiple commitments.  DH faces the same sort of things with SS16 and SS17 who he has about 40% custody of.  Kids start to prioritize other people over mom and dad as they get older.  Nothing wrong with that.  It is their job.

When I do have some time with them at home on a weekend, my focus is on them.  I will pick time with my DDs over time with DH or SSs on those rare occasions when I have both of them home for any length of time.  And DH does the same thing.

Keep in mind neither of us spoils them or pretends we aren't a parent with parental responsibilities.  That isn't my point.  Just because you only see your child EOWE should not be an excuse not to parent. 

Inevitably, at some point every weekend, DH will take the boys to Guitar Center.  I swear the three of them could life there.  Because I don't like going should I get mad at DH for taking time away from me and DDs?

Our time with our children, skid or bio, intact or divorced, is fleeting and precious.  Before you know it they are getting on a plane in three weeks to study in Sweden until June and you start flipping out.  OK, so I am projecting my own angst.

But seriously, we only have our children in our lives temporarily.  It is their job to leave.  So if your DH wants to spend every precious minute with his child during his woefully small amount of time EOWE, let him.  Support him.   Make room for that in your life.



Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 3:21 PM
2 moms liked this
And you know, if I only saw my kids EOWE you'd better believe that every weekend would be jam-packed with fun stuff for them.

I think a lot of CPs forget that that have days, weeks, months to fit that fun stuff into. NCPs with EOWE only have those weekends. So, they often have to fit all those days, weeks, and months they miss put on into those 2 days every other week.

I'll admit there have been times I was frustrated that BM would take SD for 1-2 days and give SD stuff that we can't always give SD due to financial constraints. This was especially frustrating when BM would spend a ton of money on SD, but refuse to pay CS.

But, if thats all BM does with SD, if all she has are those few hours here and there, can I blame her?

I'd want my kid to spend 100% of their time with me happy,too if all I got was a few hours here and there.
tiafez
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 3:24 PM
3 moms liked this

cough I had a twinkie for lunch cough... 

Quoting DDDaysh: I don't get the extreme upset. I mean, yes, some people go overboard with guilt parenting and let the kids have ice cream sundaes for dinner, Twinkies for lunch, and give in to demands for ponies. Obviously that's not cool, but choosing to go to the zoo over a movie the kid won't like or putting off painting the trim until the weekend the kid isn't there is not that big a deal.


WWNSDD?

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 3:26 PM
1 mom liked this
I had dark chocolate hershey's kisses

Quoting tiafez:

cough I had a twinkie for lunch cough... 

Quoting DDDaysh: I don't get the extreme upset. I mean, yes, some people go overboard with guilt parenting and let the kids have ice cream sundaes for dinner, Twinkies for lunch, and give in to demands for ponies. Obviously that's not cool, but choosing to go to the zoo over a movie the kid won't like or putting off painting the trim until the weekend the kid isn't there is not that big a deal.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 3:28 PM
1 mom liked this

I would be upset if DH favoured or paid exclusive attention to SS over our mutual children though while they are at our home, I think that is normal but he wouldn't do that though. I think the issue is when there is no balance. 

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 3:29 PM

 

Quoting Tinkerbellmama: And you know, if I only saw my kids EOWE you'd better believe that every weekend would be jam-packed with fun stuff for them. I think a lot of CPs forget that that have days, weeks, months to fit that fun stuff into. NCPs with EOWE only have those weekends. So, they often have to fit all those days, weeks, and months they miss put on into those 2 days every other week. I'll admit there have been times I was frustrated that BM would take SD for 1-2 days and give SD stuff that we can't always give SD due to financial constraints. This was especially frustrating when BM would spend a ton of money on SD, but refuse to pay CS. But, if thats all BM does with SD, if all she has are those few hours here and there, can I blame her? I'd want my kid to spend 100% of their time with me happy,too if all I got was a few hours here and there. You know I kind of thought the same thing...sort of...until I started getting ALL the Mother's day projects and gifts...I realized the kids didn't want a playmate...more than anything what they want from BM she isn't giving them...a Mother...in every sense...a Mother who ACTS like a mother...not a teenage playmate...kids want their parents to be and act like parents, deep down, that's what they want.

 

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 3:38 PM
2 moms liked this
But that is my whole point? A parent sees one child for 4 days a month and his other children 39 days a month. Of course he should favor that child. Of course he should do something with just that child.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

I would be upset if DH favoured or paid exclusive attention to SS over our mutual children though while they are at our home, I think that is normal but he wouldn't do that though. I think the issue is when there is no balance. 

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jul. 31, 2014 at 3:45 PM
1 mom liked this
I still would expect balance, that is just the truth. My husband is not a disney parent though, he knows how to be fun and still be a parent.

My husband has spent alone time with SS and I have encourage him to spend time with SS alone and SS is the one who asks to spend the time with my children too.

My SS loves company, he is an only child at home everyday. Individual time is needed but it doesn't have to be the entire time to the exclusion of the other children.
Quoting pdxmum: But that is my whole point? A parent sees one child for 4 days a month and his other children 39 days a month. Of course he should favor that child. Of course he should do something with just that child.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

I would be upset if DH favoured or paid exclusive attention to SS over our mutual children though while they are at our home, I think that is normal but he wouldn't do that though. I think the issue is when there is no balance. 

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