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Just need a little advice

Posted by on Aug. 2, 2014 at 1:17 PM
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 I'm not sure where to go from here...my husband and I have been married for almost three years together for almost five.  I brought five kids into the marriage...three who were adults and out on their own and at the time we got married my dd was 17, my oldest sd was 16, my ds was 13 and my youngest step daughter was 11.  My husband is the CP, their mom spends the total 24 overnights a year with them.  She doesn't do EOWE...she just does every other Friday nights.  She also has them two to three hours on Tuesday and Thursday evening every week.  She did however tell the court during their divorce that she would be having them over 90 overnights so that she wouldn't have to pay any CS...she also offers nothing else in regards to support (but that is neither here nor there).  It saddens me that she spends so little time with them.  It's so bad that sometimes she will bring my youngest sd (who is now 14...she rarely sees the older sd since she is now an adult and out on her own) home after an hour because she had a bad day.  That however, is not why I'm asking for advice...it's none of my business and I bite my tongue and just pray that this may change...although I know at this point, with only four more years until my youngest sd is an adult, it more than likely is not going to happen.  A bit of background...when I met DH, they had been seperated for three years after he came back on leave from Afghanistan and she told him that she was engaged and it was over.  While he was there...she rarely had the girls because she needed more me time...which I honestly get, but she had them less than everyone else....so I don't understand that.  When we met and he told her that he was filing (they hadn't because he couldn't while he was deployed and when he got back he had given her the money to start the process, which she never did, and he said he just never had a reason too...which I understand that too...it took me two years to file...out of sight out of mind)

By the time we had gotten married I had built a beautiful relationship with my oldest step-daughter...it was a rough beginning, but it blossomed into something wonderful.  I took things at their pace and didn't push anything...however, my youngest sd has never warmed up to me at all...and if it was just that I would accept and move on.  It's not though...I have been called awful names, I've had doors slammed in my face, I've been yelled at...even for just letting her know that she didn't have school due to weather, I've had company ask me a question and her answer it for me...and I'm not just talking about one question....I can't have a conversation with her in the room, I've had her tell her friends that I don't do anything around the house and she has to do it all...this was after I had surgery and her dad asked her to please do the dishes...twice!  She is really careful about who she treats me that way around.  She definitely does not do it in front of her dad...most of my family....her Dad's family.  However, she has around my dd, ds and her older sister and they have called her on it numerous times...she has slipped a few times around my husband's mom and my mom.  I've talked to my DH about this, but he doesn't see it and the few times he has he says something to her or he doesn't catch the tone or the meaning behind it.  He will talk to her...she cries and says she just wants to spend more time with me.  Then I've tried to take her places and spend time with her and she acts like she would rather be digging splinters out of a camel's ass.  So the crying is more for an act, and a poor poor girl thing than real.  I might add that she lies about everything (I'm not sure about me and frankly don't care) from homework, to grades, to friends, to the color of the sky.

Anyway, this morning has been rough.  Last night DH, youngest SD and I went to dinner...on the way there she mentions that she has a car wash for band this weekend.  She has never mentioned it (second time now that this has happened in the last month), he asked her when she knew about it...she said she just found out that day...I don't believe it because I know for a fact that they schedule those quite a ways out...they have to get permission from the business etc.  However, I didn't say anything.  He tells her that he has drill this weekend so have to figure out a way to get her there...I sat quietly.  She never asked and he told me not to say anything...let her ask, and up until about ten minutes before she was supposed to be there she still hadn't.  I went to her room and offered to take her...she was in her pjs and rolled her eyes and said, "I don't have to go." and once again slammed the door.  Now I'm looking like a desperate fool because I'm standing outside of her bedroom door saying just thought I'd offer instead of opening the door and letting her have it.  I'm so tired of the door slamming, the rolling of the eyes, yelling at me, etc. etc.  I do deserve respect. 

Sadly, I would have taken her had she asked.  I had decided after the last one...where she TOLD me that I needed to take her an hour before she needed to be there and I did...I decided that from now on I needed to be asked...my time was important and I wasn't her maid and chauffeur...I was not at her beck and call.  So I stuck to my guns and then started feeling bad for her not being able to go...which she could have if I took her...ugh!  Never should have done that because now I'm hurt again and really sick of feeling this way.

I just don't know how else to deal with this.  I have as little contact with her as humanly possible since i know how she feels about me...absent leaving my home.   I'm tired of being this girl's doormat.  Should I try one more time to talk to her...should I just write it off and focus on my kids and older sd who love and respect me....any suggestions or advice is welcome...

by on Aug. 2, 2014 at 1:17 PM
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Replies (1-10):
donnag013
by Member on Aug. 2, 2014 at 1:29 PM

She's waht? 14? It's an annoying age. Try not to take it personally. Set some ground rules - all activities must be scheduled with a 7 day advanced notice or you will not be the driver. She will speak to you respectfully or such-and-such consequence happens. Have a set list of chores posted, so it's not a quarrel about what is expected of her. Consequences for not completing chores whould be clearly spelled out.

Most of all, you HAVE to get your dh on board. When we had my sd with us, she was 15. My now-ex always thought I "had it in" for her, when the  reality was that I understood her better than either of her parents. He gave in to her every whim, and when I tried to talk to him about it, he always responded that I just didn't like her and that's why I was saying the things I did. It all fell on deaf ears. Anyway, soon after she turned 15, her dad dropped her off at the mall to see a movie with her girlfriends. This was soemthing she did everytime she was with us. Her dad dropped her off at 6 and picked her up about 1-2 am. I put a keylogger on our computer because I felt that she was up to no good. Who takes 7 hours to see a movie. Again, her dad would not listen to me. One night after she came home, I looked at her messaging to a friend. She had actually been picked up by a guy, had sex, then dropped off back at the mall. I made her tell her dad, and he was heartbroken. But I'm the bad guy for "not liking her".

What I'm trying to show is that your dh NEEDS to support you. He has to get past your daughter's wiley ways, or it could end up really bad for both of you AND his daughter.

dalene05
by Member on Aug. 2, 2014 at 1:40 PM

 Yeah, I know 14...had five of them...well six of them...however, never had one that was so disrespetful to anyone.  It just amazes me.  I know he needs to be on board...and he does tell me to say something...but she doesn't listen to me anyway, so what good will it do.  He says that she told him she treats me that way, because I'm too nice.  WHAT?  I just know how this is going to go...I say exactly what should be said and he backs me up...BM gets involved and to her this girl does no wrong...it's always everyone else...teachers, friends, etc. etc.  And I have a BIG target on me.  DH doesn't rock the boat when it comes to BM...which irritates me.  I know they aren't doing her any favors and I am contributing by just allowing her to treat me bad...just not sure how to approach it.

PinkButterfly66
by on Aug. 2, 2014 at 2:07 PM
1 mom liked this

Sorry she's being such a snot.  I really think family therapy might help.  She's holding onto a lot of resentment and anger and blaming you for everything wrong. It's not fair, but it is obvious she is still hurting over her parent's divorce, her mother all but abandoning her and you taking her mother's place.  

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 2, 2014 at 2:38 PM
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14 year olds are assholes, all of them.

However, I would speak sharply to her when se acts like a little bitch an I wouldn't offer or do shit for her when she acts that way.
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 2, 2014 at 2:41 PM
Honesty why does he fucking care wtf she says? Se doesn't do shit.

Quoting dalene05:

 Yeah, I know 14...had five of them...well six of them...however, never had one that was so disrespetful to anyone.  It just amazes me.  I know he needs to be on board...and he does tell me to say something...but she doesn't listen to me anyway, so what good will it do.  He says that she told him she treats me that way, because I'm too nice.  WHAT?  I just know how this is going to go...I say exactly what should be said and he backs me up...BM gets involved and to her this girl does no wrong...it's always everyone else...teachers, friends, etc. etc.  And I have a BIG target on me.  DH doesn't rock the boat when it comes to BM...which irritates me.  I know they aren't doing her any favors and I am contributing by just allowing her to treat me bad...just not sure how to approach it.

erinsmom1964
by Member on Aug. 2, 2014 at 2:57 PM

 This is your husbands to set straigh.  You say because he doesnt hear it or see it or get ithe does nothing.  So he thinks your over dramatic?  A liar? She does it because she is allowed to.  There should be clear and swift consequences each and everytime she slams something..is nasty etc.

erinsmom1964
by Member on Aug. 2, 2014 at 3:00 PM
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 And please do this girl a favor and stop tip toeing around because of her mother.  Sure she is obviously in pain and has rage.  SO WHAT?  That is and should be a separate issue from behavior.  feelings do not ever justify bad behavior.  I always tell the kids ( some now adults) that I will gladly talk to you about how your feeling BUT you are still expected to behave properly.  Hell my 5 year old is getting it.

dalene05
by Member on Aug. 2, 2014 at 4:04 PM

 

I don't know...he says I don't know how she is...and I say I don't give a fuck how she is...not my circus not my monkeys.  He just doesn't say anything...she will change her visit in some way...earlier home or late pick up or going out of town...and if we've made plans around it...they change...cuz he won't say to her that hey you need to figure something out.  We just went out of town (first time since we've been married)...I made arrangements for my son and the dogs...I told him he needed to make sure bm was ok with having her the whole weekend.  She reluctantly agreed and then texted him on Saturday that she sent her to spend the night at a friends and that the friend's mom would bring her home after we get home.  I wanted to scream...not because I didn't think she wanted to stay at her friends, but this is the ONE time in five years that we have asked her to keep her longer than her Friday night...it wasn't like we planned asked her to do it on a Friday and Saturday that she wouldn't normally have her on Friday night anyway.  Her and her fiance (they have never married and not sure if they ever will) have been on vacations at least three times a year in that time frame.  And if it fell on her Friday she would just tell us she wasn't coming...what if we would have had plans...well, they would have been cancelled.  It's gotten to the point that I just keep my plans and don't include him if she pulls the bs.

Quoting faerie75: Honesty why does he fucking care wtf she says? Se doesn't do shit.
Quoting dalene05:

 Yeah, I know 14...had five of them...well six of them...however, never had one that was so disrespetful to anyone.  It just amazes me.  I know he needs to be on board...and he does tell me to say something...but she doesn't listen to me anyway, so what good will it do.  He says that she told him she treats me that way, because I'm too nice.  WHAT?  I just know how this is going to go...I say exactly what should be said and he backs me up...BM gets involved and to her this girl does no wrong...it's always everyone else...teachers, friends, etc. etc.  And I have a BIG target on me.  DH doesn't rock the boat when it comes to BM...which irritates me.  I know they aren't doing her any favors and I am contributing by just allowing her to treat me bad...just not sure how to approach it.

 

dalene05
by Member on Aug. 2, 2014 at 4:11 PM

 I agree...and he doesn't think that I'm a liar or over dramatic.  I think he just gets tired of hearing it...I can count on one hand how many times I've mentioned anything since I realized that he pulls away everytime I mention her name.  He doesn't like the way she acts, but doesn't know how to handle it.  I kid you not, she just got her door back to her room about 2 months ago...hasn't had it for over a year.  She was grounded the majority of her seventh and eighth grade year.  Not only for the way she treats me, and honestly on a scale of one to ten for reasons it was probably an 11.  It was because of her lying, grades, sneakiness, etc.  I just sat back and didnt say anything...she would get things back and then within a couple of days she was back to be grounded.  None of it changed anything...itdidn't even phase her at all.

Quoting erinsmom1964:

 This is your husbands to set straigh.  You say because he doesnt hear it or see it or get ithe does nothing.  So he thinks your over dramatic?  A liar? She does it because she is allowed to.  There should be clear and swift consequences each and everytime she slams something..is nasty etc.

 

dalene05
by Member on Aug. 2, 2014 at 4:20 PM

I'm trying...and I believe that too.  None of the other kids act that way and all of them take responsibility for what they do regardless of what they are feeling at the time.  It's something that is learned and she hasn't learned it...and it's not so much that I worry about the reaction of BM...more that the behavior will get worse because she will go tell her what was said or done and then BM will go off telling her she doesn't have to listen to or respect me.  And that we are all in the wrong.  That is a common theme among her mom and her.

Quoting erinsmom1964:

 And please do this girl a favor and stop tip toeing around because of her mother.  Sure she is obviously in pain and has rage.  SO WHAT?  That is and should be a separate issue from behavior.  feelings do not ever justify bad behavior.  I always tell the kids ( some now adults) that I will gladly talk to you about how your feeling BUT you are still expected to behave properly.  Hell my 5 year old is getting it.

 

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