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BF asking permission...

Posted by on Aug. 3, 2014 at 5:56 PM
  • 31 Replies
Backstory: I have two DDS with my ex, we get along well, he lives in CA, we live in GA, he sees them for two weeks at Christmas and for a month or so in the Summer. He speaks to them on Skype about every night and pays CS.

This happened a couple of days ago but I have been thinking about it a lot.

My ex called me and asked if he could fly his gf to meet the girls. (He takes visits at his parents because it's halfway and easier). He is about to propose and wanted to see if the girls were ok with it first.

Also he wanted to know what I wanted her role as SM to be and boundaries.

I, of course said you don't need my permission and I don't care. I do trust him enough to put his girls best interest in mind.

On the surface it sounds ideal, right? But i am so uncomfortable with it! As awesome as it is I do not want to be responsible for those decisions. He is so long distance, SM or GF will see the girls less that 5 weeks a year, and honestly will just be the awesome lady dad married. The meet is going well, the girls seem to like her.

I fear a couple of things, that she will be ugly to the girls or become overstepping. Which honestly I don't think my ex will tolerate but...

I am just rambling. Ok any thoughts?
by on Aug. 3, 2014 at 5:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
CFSTBSM27
by on Aug. 3, 2014 at 6:32 PM
Your right to say you don't care since you trust his judgement.
In contrast tho wow...she is a better woman than me, if a man needs permission from his children or ex to move forward in a relationship.. I would end it. That's me tho.
No need to be uncomfortable she'll barely see them and you said you trust him.
thecircus8
by Silver Member on Aug. 3, 2014 at 6:37 PM
I am pretty sure he is not telling her that...

And yes, if my DH had to had permission from his ex for me to meet the kids... yeah...

I am grateful for the sentiment, I really am but... it just seems odd to me.

We do not have any issues. We get along fine, and I know both of us want to keep it that why. I am worried that something I have said or done has made him think I would be upset with it?


Quoting CFSTBSM27: Your right to say you don't care since you trust his judgement.
In contrast tho wow...she is a better woman than me, if a man needs permission from his children or ex to move forward in a relationship.. I would end it. That's me tho.
No need to be uncomfortable she'll barely see them and you said you trust him.
CFSTBSM27
by on Aug. 3, 2014 at 6:51 PM
1 mom liked this
Well I don't think it's per se a good thing someone is asking permission. Just be how you were non chalant. It shouldn't matter. Your thinking to much it's nothing.

Quoting thecircus8: I am pretty sure he is not telling her that...

And yes, if my DH had to had permission from his ex for me to meet the kids... yeah...

I am grateful for the sentiment, I really am but... it just seems odd to me.

We do not have any issues. We get along fine, and I know both of us want to keep it that why. I am worried that something I have said or done has made him think I would be upset with it?


Quoting CFSTBSM27: Your right to say you don't care since you trust his judgement.
In contrast tho wow...she is a better woman than me, if a man needs permission from his children or ex to move forward in a relationship.. I would end it. That's me tho.
No need to be uncomfortable she'll barely see them and you said you trust him.
Leigh84
by Gold Member on Aug. 3, 2014 at 6:54 PM
The words "do no harm" come to mind as they say in this group. Your ex wanted to know what kind of role you want sm to have. Sm will see the kids only 5 weeks out of the year.

Hopefully she will be kind to your kids. You said you trust your ex enough to put your girls best interest at heart. If she's ugly to them or over stepping just send her to smc. The lovely ladies here will set her strait ;-)
tiafez
by Silver Member on Aug. 3, 2014 at 7:09 PM

don't overworry. you have a good relationship with your ex, if he has anything on his mind he'll talk to you. I think it's great he respects you this much. You guys are a good parenting team!!

Quoting thecircus8: I am pretty sure he is not telling her that... And yes, if my DH had to had permission from his ex for me to meet the kids... yeah... I am grateful for the sentiment, I really am but... it just seems odd to me. We do not have any issues. We get along fine, and I know both of us want to keep it that why. I am worried that something I have said or done has made him think I would be upset with it?
Quoting CFSTBSM27: Your right to say you don't care since you trust his judgement. In contrast tho wow...she is a better woman than me, if a man needs permission from his children or ex to move forward in a relationship.. I would end it. That's me tho. No need to be uncomfortable she'll barely see them and you said you trust him.


WWNSDD?

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Aug. 3, 2014 at 7:12 PM
2 moms liked this

I think it shows that he has the girl's best interest at heart.  Was it really a permission thing or did he just want to bounce the idea off you to make sure he wasn't crazy? He must be really nervous. I don't think I would run if it was my DH making sure the kids and BM were ok with me. I'm pretty sure DH wouldn't have married me if his kids had a major problem with it.  And if they did, it wouldn't be a world I would want to live in even if was only 6 weeks a year that we were in the same place.

Quoting thecircus8: I am pretty sure he is not telling her that... And yes, if my DH had to had permission from his ex for me to meet the kids... yeah... I am grateful for the sentiment, I really am but... it just seems odd to me. We do not have any issues. We get along fine, and I know both of us want to keep it that why. I am worried that something I have said or done has made him think I would be upset with it?
Quoting CFSTBSM27: Your right to say you don't care since you trust his judgement. In contrast tho wow...she is a better woman than me, if a man needs permission from his children or ex to move forward in a relationship.. I would end it. That's me tho. No need to be uncomfortable she'll barely see them and you said you trust him.


thecircus8
by Silver Member on Aug. 3, 2014 at 7:12 PM
Lol right. I was just rambling. I got the CSM thing down pat. It's different being a BM with a new SM coming in the picture. I do trust him. As far as the girls go anyways....

Quoting Leigh84: The words "do no harm" come to mind as they say in this group. Your ex wanted to know what kind of role you want sm to have. Sm will see the kids only 5 weeks out of the year.

Hopefully she will be kind to your kids. You said you trust your ex enough to put your girls best interest at heart. If she's ugly to them or over stepping just send her to smc. The lovely ladies here will set her strait ;-)
thecircus8
by Silver Member on Aug. 3, 2014 at 7:15 PM
I didn't make that clear. I think it's awesome that my ex wanted to make sure the girls and his gf got along. I think it is weird that he asked me. I am totally over thinking this. I miss my kiddos. This is the most my ex has been in my thoughts in almost 4 years. Lol. I think he is super nervous. Lol. And it sounded like a permission thing but he might not have meant it like that.

Quoting Polkadotted:

I think it shows that he has the girl's best interest at heart.  Was it really a permission thing or did he just want to bounce the idea off you to make sure he wasn't crazy? He must be really nervous. I don't think I would run if it was my DH making sure the kids and BM were ok with me. I'm pretty sure DH wouldn't have married me if his kids had a major problem with it.  And if they did, it wouldn't be a world I would want to live in even if was only 6 weeks a year that we were in the same place.

Quoting thecircus8: I am pretty sure he is not telling her that...

And yes, if my DH had to had permission from his ex for me to meet the kids... yeah...

I am grateful for the sentiment, I really am but... it just seems odd to me.

We do not have any issues. We get along fine, and I know both of us want to keep it that why. I am worried that something I have said or done has made him think I would be upset with it?


Quoting CFSTBSM27: Your right to say you don't care since you trust his judgement.
In contrast tho wow...she is a better woman than me, if a man needs permission from his children or ex to move forward in a relationship.. I would end it. That's me tho.
No need to be uncomfortable she'll barely see them and you said you trust him.

thecircus8
by Silver Member on Aug. 3, 2014 at 7:17 PM
Yep over thinking it. I do not want to be put in the position of bad guy though. Or rather crazy BM. Which now that I said that is why it's bothering me so much. We are so easygoing with each other, which is funny because the marriage was so HIGH conflict its not even funny. It was a mess. And I do not want that again.

Quoting tiafez:

don't overworry. you have a good relationship with your ex, if he has anything on his mind he'll talk to you. I think it's great he respects you this much. You guys are a good parenting team!!

Quoting thecircus8: I am pretty sure he is not telling her that...

And yes, if my DH had to had permission from his ex for me to meet the kids... yeah...

I am grateful for the sentiment, I really am but... it just seems odd to me.

We do not have any issues. We get along fine, and I know both of us want to keep it that why. I am worried that something I have said or done has made him think I would be upset with it?


Quoting CFSTBSM27: Your right to say you don't care since you trust his judgement.
In contrast tho wow...she is a better woman than me, if a man needs permission from his children or ex to move forward in a relationship.. I would end it. That's me tho.
No need to be uncomfortable she'll barely see them and you said you trust him.

tiafez
by Silver Member on Aug. 3, 2014 at 7:21 PM

the last thing you need is more stress. Just live it and see what happensbut don't over think. whatever does happens you will handle just fine!


Quoting thecircus8: Yep over thinking it. I do not want to be put in the position of bad guy though. Or rather crazy BM. Which now that I said that is why it's bothering me so much. We are so easygoing with each other, which is funny because the marriage was so HIGH conflict its not even funny. It was a mess. And I do not want that again.
Quoting tiafez:

don't overworry. you have a good relationship with your ex, if he has anything on his mind he'll talk to you. I think it's great he respects you this much. You guys are a good parenting team!!

Quoting thecircus8: I am pretty sure he is not telling her that... And yes, if my DH had to had permission from his ex for me to meet the kids... yeah... I am grateful for the sentiment, I really am but... it just seems odd to me. We do not have any issues. We get along fine, and I know both of us want to keep it that why. I am worried that something I have said or done has made him think I would be upset with it?
Quoting CFSTBSM27: Your right to say you don't care since you trust his judgement. In contrast tho wow...she is a better woman than me, if a man needs permission from his children or ex to move forward in a relationship.. I would end it. That's me tho. No need to be uncomfortable she'll barely see them and you said you trust him.



WWNSDD?

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