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SD going back with her BM :(

Posted by on Aug. 4, 2014 at 7:46 PM
  • 11 Replies

So this is kind of complicated and a little long. SD is 7. Her dad and I aren't married yet and we don't live together but I still consider her my SD. I've known her since she was 2. Her BM and I used to be friends until I started dating SD's dad (her ex). It's kind of like the case with a toddler and her toys; she doesn't want to play with it unless someone else picks it up. Anyways, her mom is a hot mess. She is constantly losing her job, moving from aparment to apartment, staying on people's sofas, etc. In January she took off to Texas (we're in Wisconsin) so she could "start over". She said she would send for SD. Well then she started dating long distance and then moved back here and in with him. A month and a broken engagement later she moves again. Now she actually has a job (yeah!) and she is still in Wisconsin, but this time she's rooming with some girl and her brother. She's also swung to the other side and is dating a girl (not the roomate). Anyways, now that she thinks she's stable, she wants SD back with her during the week and every other weekend. I'm so frustrated. This poor child is FINALLY feeling stable. She has consistency with her dad, she is usually with me when he's working. I have three girls (ages 13, 10, and 5) whom she absolutely loves (most of the time LOL) and she's starting to feel safe again. I mean this poor kid cries because she's afraid that she'll lose her toys when her dad and I get married. Well that's because everytime her mom moves, she leaves all her crap behind, usually because she gets kicked out. I reassured SD that we won't let that happen. Her mom is just batshit crazy, not kidding! And honestly, if I thought that her mom was the best thing for her I'd be happy for SD. I just want what is best; I really do. I love her and claim her when she's with me. But I'm really scared that she will go to her mom's and then in a few months when her mom loses her job or is homeless again, then what? And the other thing that bothers me is that the school that SD goes to is in a different district. So the same thing that happened before will probably happen again. BM will work 11pm to 7 am 30 minutes away from where she lives. She'll get home at 7:30, wake up SD to get ready for school. Then she'll lay down and fall asleep. SD will have no way to school, which is about 15 minutes from where BM lives. All last year (until BM went to texas), she missed about 2-4 days a month, sometimes more.

If you made it through this mess thank you! I am just so upset. When my DF told me I just started crying. Not only am I worried about her but I'll miss her too.

Oh and one last thing..........DF isn't SD's biological daughter so it's not like he has much say in it. I'm just sad.....really sad.....:(

by on Aug. 4, 2014 at 7:46 PM
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Replies (1-10):
sarastanley88
by on Aug. 4, 2014 at 8:34 PM
:(
XXanonymousXX
by Bronze Member on Aug. 4, 2014 at 9:20 PM
1 mom liked this
You should've led with your conclusion.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, and especially SO, to be in this position. I truly do sympathize. And it sounds like this kid needs someone looking out for her, since it seems like her bios don't have their act together. But by being the ones to step in, you and SO have put yourselves in an impossible situation. Legally you have no rights. BM isn't going anywhere, and whether she's a responsible parent, wants her daughter with her. You are in for this roller coaster ride as long as you continue to care for this child.

If BM is truly unfit and if BF is out of the picture I assume there is some type of legal way for SO to try for custody. If there is it will be hard and expensive. But if BM is unfit it's worth it. If she isn't unfit enough to warrant losing custody you need to let go. As sad as it is, and as hard as it would be. There are plenty of parents who aren't the best, but aren't unfit. It's BM's right to raise her child, within the restrictions of the law.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 4, 2014 at 9:31 PM
1 mom liked this
It sounds to me that dad is the more stable environment because he has someone stable to help him. How would dad handle sd on his own if you were not around. Being a single parent (single as in not having a partner in your home) can be difficult but it's much easier when you have someone who is willing to do anything for you so that the burden of doing it all is alleviated. Which it sounds like dad has you.

Also sounds like mom is just in a place where her life is going through some struggles. I try not to judge either side too harshly because I too had some struggles. Looking from the outside, you may think that I was an unstable person/unstable parent. I moved in to an apartment and around here, apartment living is looked down on. Then I had to move in with my parents. Which again - looked down on. I struggled to make ends meet. It took a LOT of soul searching and therapy to help me to rise above the judgements and do what was best for my child. Which it sounds kind of like mom did - she didn't cart her child off to Texas and THAT I would think would not have been good for her child. She also left her child with dad because she felt that dad was stable while she wasn't. She may feel that now she is finally stable. And ready to take back what she said she was going to take back from the beginning. It doesn't sound like she said - I'm giving her to you (dad) and I won't be back. She told him she would get her life straight and take her back. Her life may not look like the picture perfect life. She has a room mate (I don't think this is bad. It's expensive to live alone in some places). I don't even care that she's 'switched sides'. I have a niece who is lesbian. She's the best young lady I know. Head on her shoulders and doing her thing. She has a girlfriend. Not the end of the world. I know several gay and lesbian couples who are excellent parents. She has a girlfriend. Dad has a girlfriend. What's the problem?

Anyway - I can see that you are sad because you have grown attached to your boyfriends daughter and I bet your daughters have too. Feeling is probably mutual. But she is her mother's child and she's ready to be a mom. Her mom needs to show her she is stable so she can learn to trust in her again and to feel safe with her. It's not a slight at you. It's just her trying to be mom to her daughter.

I personally cannot imagine leaving my kids behind while I go get settled because my kids are part of that process. WE would need to get settled. But I also realize that I wouldn't do it because I know I would never get my child back. Because any struggles would be held against me. So while the hard decisions I've made might have been easier to make had I had a co-parent to lean on and to help with our child, I know that I would be judged and would never have the ability to get my child back. So it's not a decision I would make.

I'm sharing my perspective to help you. Not to tell you that you are wrong in how you feel. We all have a right to how we feel but we also should be open minded and maybe see things from someone else's perspective so that we can find peace in the things that we can not change nor control.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 4, 2014 at 9:42 PM
1 mom liked this
I also think it is a really kind thing for your boyfriend and you to take in this child so that her mom can get her life straightened out. If this were me, and I've never been in this situation except sort of a foster type of situation many years ago - I would make nice. Try to keep a good relationship so that you don't lose this connection to a child that means a lot to you. I helped a mom and dad out many many years ago. I took in their very young child for a bit while they went and worked out of state. When they came back I was extremely attached to their child. But not in an unhealthy way. I did cry when he left our home. Only because I knew I would miss him and had come accustomed to having him with me all the time. But I stayed in his life. He's 12 and I see him all the time. Attend his parties. Our kids have grown up together. And you know what - what I did really helped them. They turned their lives around. I had no right to keep their child. He wasn't mine to keep. I cared for him. I loved him. I fed him. I never received a single dime to help with his expenses. When they came back and said - ok we are ready - it never crossed my mind to not give him back. I never considered all of the mess they had gotten themselves in to. I simply gave him back knowing I had done what they asked of me, he had been safe, was healthy and loved. And I got to stay in his life too. His parents are eternally grateful.
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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Aug. 4, 2014 at 10:59 PM

Why is dad giving the child back to BM when she's clearly unstable?

Savmaralamommy
by New Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 5:55 AM

 these are all good points. I wasn't judging BM for "switching sides" but I don't know how confused SD will be and it's another big change so that's why I mentioned it. Hopefully she will be more stable now, that's all I can hope for. Thank you for your perspective. :)

Quoting momof2ex1: It sounds to me that dad is the more stable environment because he has someone stable to help him. How would dad handle sd on his own if you were not around. Being a single parent (single as in not having a partner in your home) can be difficult but it's much easier when you have someone who is willing to do anything for you so that the burden of doing it all is alleviated. Which it sounds like dad has you. Also sounds like mom is just in a place where her life is going through some struggles. I try not to judge either side too harshly because I too had some struggles. Looking from the outside, you may think that I was an unstable person/unstable parent. I moved in to an apartment and around here, apartment living is looked down on. Then I had to move in with my parents. Which again - looked down on. I struggled to make ends meet. It took a LOT of soul searching and therapy to help me to rise above the judgements and do what was best for my child. Which it sounds kind of like mom did - she didn't cart her child off to Texas and THAT I would think would not have been good for her child. She also left her child with dad because she felt that dad was stable while she wasn't. She may feel that now she is finally stable. And ready to take back what she said she was going to take back from the beginning. It doesn't sound like she said - I'm giving her to you (dad) and I won't be back. She told him she would get her life straight and take her back. Her life may not look like the picture perfect life. She has a room mate (I don't think this is bad. It's expensive to live alone in some places). I don't even care that she's 'switched sides'. I have a niece who is lesbian. She's the best young lady I know. Head on her shoulders and doing her thing. She has a girlfriend. Not the end of the world. I know several gay and lesbian couples who are excellent parents. She has a girlfriend. Dad has a girlfriend. What's the problem? Anyway - I can see that you are sad because you have grown attached to your boyfriends daughter and I bet your daughters have too. Feeling is probably mutual. But she is her mother's child and she's ready to be a mom. Her mom needs to show her she is stable so she can learn to trust in her again and to feel safe with her. It's not a slight at you. It's just her trying to be mom to her daughter. I personally cannot imagine leaving my kids behind while I go get settled because my kids are part of that process. WE would need to get settled. But I also realize that I wouldn't do it because I know I would never get my child back. Because any struggles would be held against me. So while the hard decisions I've made might have been easier to make had I had a co-parent to lean on and to help with our child, I know that I would be judged and would never have the ability to get my child back. So it's not a decision I would make. I'm sharing my perspective to help you. Not to tell you that you are wrong in how you feel. We all have a right to how we feel but we also should be open minded and maybe see things from someone else's perspective so that we can find peace in the things that we can not change nor control.

 

Savmaralamommy
by New Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 5:56 AM

 He's the only father SD has ever know but he isn't legally her father :(

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Why is dad giving the child back to BM when she's clearly unstable?

 

goldpandora
by on Aug. 5, 2014 at 6:04 AM

Is there, by any chance, a court order? How long was he in BM's life? I think it might be worthwhile talking to a lawyer about this... He may not be her biological father but he's the only father she has ever had. He might have a word to say in all this. 

LiveInTheNow
by Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 8:04 AM

He does have a say. If you can document and show proof that SD has been with you through everything over the past couple of years I dont think she can really argue it. If she wants her so badily make her take you to court over it.

Sept-babies2
by Ashley on Aug. 5, 2014 at 10:49 AM
I think if she has been living with both of you and mom really is unfit I think maybe going to court would be best. I dont know how it works and he isnt bio dad so that may make it hard to keep her.

Has he been there for most her life?
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