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Will it ever get better?

Posted by on Aug. 5, 2014 at 9:31 PM
  • 39 Replies

I have been married to my husband for almost 9 years. He has a 10 and 12 year old from a previous relationship and we have a 5 and 2 year old together. He has had custody of his two daughters for almost 8 years now. In the begininng, it didnt seem too bad, but the last 3 years have been not as pleasurable. The girls' bmom is a worthless POS and it is really starting to affect the kids. The oldes one is maturing enough to deal with it and see past her bmoms bull but the 10 year old is doing everything in her power to get under my skin, ignore my rules, and undermind everything. I am the only parent involved with most of their things since dad works long hours. I take care of the school, sports, conferences, emotional and physical problems. I cant help but feel a little selfish that I am having such a difficult time reaching out to the 10 year old. What am I doing wrong? Help

by on Aug. 5, 2014 at 9:31 PM
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Replies (1-10):
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 10:09 PM
Maybe have dh stop working such long hours and either cut back on stuff to make that happen or perhaps you work to make up the difference.

Then he would get more time and you would get a relative break.

And perhaps stop the "bm is a pos" stuff. It will only keep you angry. Which probably isn't fun.

The kids will realize it on their own and don't need you to hold anger for them.

Teen years and preteen years are hard. And all kids are different.

I would look for a break and talk to dh about pitching in a bit with time etc
FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 10:16 PM
1 mom liked this
How would you feel if neither of your parents spent time with you. You are seeing the effects. It sucks and at times not fair. Your dh needs to step up.
OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 10:56 PM
There is not a while lot you can do. She needs her dad to take over caring for her, or at least take over some things. It's more than just 'have a day with dad', it's about everyday care.

Quoting FreedomTruth: How would you feel if neither of your parents spent time with you. You are seeing the effects. It sucks and at times not fair. Your dh needs to step up.
cdrainey3
by Cher on Aug. 5, 2014 at 11:11 PM
So bm is a pos for not taking care of her kids, but dads still ok? How does that work?

The kids want their parents to take care of them. Not you. It's great that you're there. I guess it would be a nanny if you weren't? If it was I'm sure the 10 yr old would still have the same issues. One of the parents needs to step up.
aheasley
by Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 11:12 PM

It might be time to put her in counseling. It sounds like she has some feelings to work out and she does not know how. She is at the pre-puberty age which can be a special kind of torment for mom's. She maybe wish her mom was more stable and taking it out on you. Children act out with the parent they feel the most comfortable with. She my be mad at her mom and taking it out on you because she feels safe with you.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 11:18 PM
Your youngest SD is crying for help. Her father needs to find time to be a father to her. She has a crap mother. a father that is busy. One of them needs to make time and effort for this girl. And it will probably need to be dad because well.. BM is a POS remember?
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 5, 2014 at 11:19 PM
She may also wish that her dad would find the time to be as involved as he should be as the custodial parent. She may be acting out because both of her parents are literally absent.

Quoting aheasley:

It might be time to put her in counseling. It sounds like she has some feelings to work out and she does not know how. She is at the pre-puberty age which can be a special kind of torment for mom's. She maybe wish her mom was more stable and taking it out on you. Children act out with the parent they feel the most comfortable with. She my be mad at her mom and taking it out on you because she feels safe with you.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
rachelb102
by New Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 12:24 AM
We did get her counseling a cou ple years ago. I said enough was enough and set it all up myself. I took her in once a week and it was going great. We had made alot of progress. About a month went by and she told her mom about it. Them bmom demanded to be Included, so we did. We assumed she would participate for the childs best interest. Boy were we wrong. She showed up once and never came back again. Then she told my sdaughter to keep her mouth closed about her in therapy. The kid shut down and the therapist tried for over a month and couldn't get her back on track again :(

Quoting aheasley:

It might be time to put her in counseling. It sounds like she has some feelings to work out and she does not know how. She is at the pre-puberty age which can be a special kind of torment for mom's. She maybe wish her mom was more stable and taking it out on you. Children act out with the parent they feel the most comfortable with. She my be mad at her mom and taking it out on you because she feels safe with you.

pusheen-kitty
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 12:31 AM
2 moms liked this
One, telling any wife that her husband needs to change his hours- are you crazy? Do you know how hard it is to get a job? Do you get some people have to work long hours just to break even?

If this was the first wife most would say, hey my hubby works long hours too etc. but she's a SM so it changes?

Girl, you are taking care of your husband and some one else's kids.

Find out his schedule.

Tell him he needs daughter time on his day off.

Get I'm touch with grandparents , aunties. Something.

All I am saying is since the dawn of time men have been providers. He has a JOB. She's a wife. Nothing has changed in 2014 except our expectations.

Give the OP a break!
rachelb102
by New Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 12:31 AM
Things werent soo bad when they were young. He was granted custody of them at such a young age so the transition was easy. But at that time he had to travel alot for work and having custody was a little unexpected so i chose to stay back with them until we could figure out a different job situation.I feel as if he got to used to that life, where I took care of everything. But now after having two kids of our own with a total of four kids (btw im only 28) its taking its toll on me. I am also a full time student and feeling overwhelmed. I was able to talk it through with him and im hoping to see some new progress in the near future!
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