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If I can, why can't he?

Posted by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:38 PM
  • 116 Replies
6 moms liked this

I work a job with long hours.  I carry the benefits and earn a much higher wage than my spouse or BF.  I have a DD from a previous marriage, I can count on one hand how many times he has met teachers, talked to teachers, gone to PTC.  I also can count on one hand how many doctor visits he has taken her to.  My current spouse has never went to any of these appointments for me.  I have attended, solo, about 90% of everything medically or educationally for my DD.  I take care of all of her and my DS11 (my DH son also) ECA as well. 

This is how a typical day goes for me right now.  I leave for work at 7:40am, leave work at 5:00pm, have to have DS at football practice at 6:30pm, DD is done with volleyball practice or cheer practice at 7:00pm, so I have to get her....mind you DS is still at practice.  I go home, deal with getting dinner going, laundry that needs done and tending to pets.  DD has homework, so I don't really get her help.  I was leaving to go grab DS at the football field by 8:30pm, but DH is going to start going and getting him, starting last night.  We eat as soon as DS is home from practice.  Then I go over his homework with him if he needs help with anything and we spend a bit of family time together and get ready for bed.  Now, I do travel out of town for work, but it is flexible.  I schedule my travel for when I am available.  If I am not available, I assign someone else to go.  I know from mid August to late October or early November travel for me is not going to be happening often.  I think last year I traveled in that time frame once in October. 

If I can manage to do my job, and do it very well at that, and magage to be there and parent my kids why is the excuse of "he works long hours" used so often for dads that pass on the work of raising their kids to their new spouses?  It isn't always super easy for me, but I get it done and my kids are happy and well cared for.  

by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:38 PM
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Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:42 PM
4 moms liked this

I suspect someone is there to cover for Dad so he doesn't have to, I suspect Dads will step up when someone isn't there stepping in to take care of it.

soooowhatnow
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:42 PM
Because society feels men cannot be the primary caregiver
malinda74
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:46 PM
2 moms liked this
There is no excuse ( although many excuses are typically offered by sm )
I generally wonder why some woman here don't reconsider their choice in a life partner.
oranguglad
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:53 PM

Dh & I are in the middle of this feud.

I have no kids at home, I do have an elderly dad who lives down the street and needs a little care (Liek groceries dropped off now and then).

Dh has summers OFF completely. He did have a total for the summer of 80 work-related hours (training etc).

And he still has it in his head that I should be doing at least half of the chores.

I work 10 hour days. During the school year, he works around 7 hours/day. We have sd8 here at least 50/50. He comes home from work at 3 (or over summer is at home all day) and doesn't pick sd up until 6. I get home at 6:30 after 10 hours of work and immediately have to make dinner. He does set and clear the table and load/unload dishwasher (though I do pots/pans).

During the school year, he also thinks I should do more chores because I get three days off per week. But I work *more* hours/week. What difference does it make if they are spread over 4 days or 5.

I *also* get sd up and ready and drive her to school during the school year 2-3 days/week because dh leaves early in the am.

Oh, but he does pump my gas for me every 3 weeks, so I guess we are even!

He does do a lot- drives sd to classes/sports/etc (even on bm's days), does chores, etc: but why when a man takes care of his own kids, he expects some kind of reward?!

Why is a man cleaning up after himself "helping" his wife when both work or she works more!?! What decade is this?!?

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:53 PM
1 mom liked this

But society thinks women can now be the primary earner and accomplish the stereotypical "mom" stuff and "home" stuff still?  How do you feel about this issue, with your situation going on?  How about your spouse, who does not do the parenting heavy lifting OR provide?  What would happen if you do what you should and permanently kicked him out and BM became disabled or died?  Do you think he could figure out how to provide both care and finances for his kid?

I just think it is crap that "society" excuses men from so much shit.

Quoting soooowhatnow: Because society feels men cannot be the primary caregiver


oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:53 PM
2 moms liked this

 No, some women just let it happen...

Quoting soooowhatnow: Because society feels men cannot be the primary caregiver

 

LovePhotoBug5
by Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:54 PM

Well, it certainly depends on your job. Someone that is a retail manager can't work less than 40 hours (at minimum) but it is generally around 55 hours or so.

Great that you have a job that is flexible. Not everyone has that opportunity. Also, raising children is generally for two people. If it happens parents are divorced, should it really only be one parent per household? I think having a stepparent to help when bioparent can't be there is a good thing. Not to be looked down upon.

I think DH would not want me around if I didn't step up and help. If I sat around while he had to leave work early for an emergency ER visit, if he had to hire a babysitter because I wouldn't watch "his" kid, if I only cooked for two since I wasn't responsible for said child.... And so on.

Also, hate to be stereotypical, but most of those things you describe are "mother" things. I would step up and help with any of those items if DH needed me to do so (but mostly because I would hate for him to do laundry, clean the house, etc....).

soooowhatnow
by Bronze Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:56 PM
So women do it alone all the time

Quoting LovePhotoBug5:

Well, it certainly depends on your job. Someone that is a retail manager can't work less than 40 hours (at minimum) but it is generally around 55 hours or so.


Great that you have a job that is flexible. Not everyone has that opportunity. Also, raising children is generally for two people. If it happens parents are divorced, should it really only be one parent per household? I think having a stepparent to help when bioparent can't be there is a good thing. Not to be looked down upon.


I think DH would not want me around if I didn't step up and help. If I sat around while he had to leave work early for an emergency ER visit, if he had to hire a babysitter because I wouldn't watch "his" kid, if I only cooked for two since I wasn't responsible for said child.... And so on.


Also, hate to be stereotypical, but most of those things you describe are "mother" things. I would step up and help with any of those items if DH needed me to do so (but mostly because I would hate for him to do laundry, clean the house, etc....).

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:57 PM
2 moms liked this

"Society" doesn't think this at all. Many more men are getting custody of their kids..."Society" has figured out that men can do it...some women are enabling men to have excuses and not do it...

My DH has custody...I made it clear early on...if he didn't parent his kids as the court had made in clear he do and his kids trusted him to do I would personally drive them to BMs and deposit them to her and give her a chance...he's never dropped the ball. It's about expectation...and society does expect men can parent...SOME women enable.

Quoting GlockMom:

But society thinks women can now be the primary earner and accomplish the stereotypical "mom" stuff and "home" stuff still?  How do you feel about this issue, with your situation going on?  How about your spouse, who does not do the parenting heavy lifting OR provide?  What would happen if you do what you should and permanently kicked him out and BM became disabled or died?  Do you think he could figure out how to provide both care and finances for his kid?

I just think it is crap that "society" excuses men from so much shit.

Quoting soooowhatnow: Because society feels men cannot be the primary caregiver

 

Tracys2
by on Aug. 6, 2014 at 2:57 PM
2 moms liked this

Dads often allow moms to handle all that, either because of societal expectations, worry they will feel alone or be the only guy and have nothing to do, or simple laziness.

I do think that guys who DO make the effort to attend some of these events, get a lot of satisfaction from being closer to their kids. Or, maybe it's the type of guy who would choose to. It's just excellent. There are guys who help out in our school and with PTA and such, and you should see how happy their kids are to see them there!

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