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Tired of being put in the middle! **Note Added**

Posted by on Aug. 8, 2014 at 4:12 PM
  • 68 Replies
1 mom liked this

Today I picked SD up for our last full week with her for the summer. BM comes out to bring her to the car and starts telling me what SD needs in the way of school clothes and supplies. Now, I know she has talked to DH about all this, and DH and I have talked about it.  We all are aware of what she needs and BM is aware that we can only do so much (we are not required by C/O to do ANYTHING for school stuff BTW). I told her that we will do what we can and if she wanted details she needed to talk to DH. So she starts in again telling me what  she needs and how important it all is. I told her that DH and I would do what we could, and that she should talk to DH. At this point I started getting kids in the car and even got myself in the car. She comes up to the window telling me again how SD needs 3 pairs of dress shoes for school (she is in a public school, no uniforms, I don't see why she needs that many pairs of DRESS shoes, but that is besides the point). I again told her that DH and I would do what we could but by this time I was annoyed so I added a reminder that we have other kids to provide for as well, just like she does, and all of them need things. She got upset (and I do understand why... It's not her fault I have other kids to provide for anymore than it's mine that she has other kids to take care of as well... THAT by the way is not what this post is about) She started yelling, and I reminder here AGAIN that she could talk to DH if she had a problem, but that I was not having an argument with her in front of SD and DD.

I FINALLY got away from there shortly after that. I called DH and told him what happened so he wouldn't be surprised when BM called him yelling. HE starts yelling at me for letting BM get to me. that I should have just left it at talk to him.... I tried... repeatedly! I don't mind picking up and dropping off SD for weekends and things. I know DH can't get weekends off work so if I don't do it none of us get to see her. (he workd 9a-9p 6 days a week), but I am tired of getting yelled at by both sides. no matter how many times I tell BM to take it up with DH she pushes and pushes... then when I do say something (even when it's the same thing DH would have said) I get bitched at by him for opening my mouth. Both of them say they want me invlved, and when it's not dealing with money BM and I get along fine, I have backed out in everything except drop off and pick up... it's just when I drop her off or pick her up that this mess happens.

Any suggestions?? Please be kind, and don't tell me to just stay out of it. I have done that to the best of my ability.



***UPDATE*** SORT OF***


I am really tired of having to say that Me stopping PU/DO is not an option. Most people don't understand a tow truck driver's life so let me clue you in a bit and see if you understand.

DH is SCHEDULED 9am-9pm Wednesday-Monday (his only day off is Tuesday). He is on call 3 noghts a week (Monday, Friday, and Saturday). On call nights he brings the truck home, goes to bed with a phone beside him and has to be up and out the door within 15 min of getting a call. No matter what time of the night it is. On the days he works he is supposed to take his last call at 9pm... that means if his last call takes him 2 hours he dosen't get back to the shop till 11. I say supposed to because if they have more than a certain number of calls holding he is just not allowed to leave till it slows down. After he finally does his last call he still has to go back to the shop, wash his truck (inside and out), do his paperwork, and THEN he can finally head home. He has not been home before midnight any day this week. Last night he got in at 1:30 am, got a call at 4am, got back home from the call at 6am and then still had to be back at work at 9am this morning. This is not just this towing company, this is all of them, so finding another job would not help. (besides, this company pays by the hour plus bonuses rather than on straight comission like most of them do).


He has been trying to change his day off since shortly after he started. They told him last week that in the next couple months they will have some new trucks and drivers so he should be able to have EOWE off (that means working 12 days on and 2 days off... will be great for him spending time with SD... not so much for me). Until that change is made either I PU/DO SD or we will not be able to see her. THAT IS NOT AN OPTION. All 4 of us would be hurt by that. Me, SD, DD and DH! 


I do want to say thank you to those who have given me suggestions on dealing with this. Some of you ladies have been higely helpful! :)

by on Aug. 8, 2014 at 4:12 PM
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Replies (1-10):
GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 4:20 PM
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This happens only when you drop off and pick up? 

This is easy to fix.  Don't drop off and pick up.  Let DH and BM deal with each other about this too since she can't do this without grilling you and he wants to get mad at you for responding.  If he wants visitation to happen, he will make it happen.


jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 4:25 PM
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Ok, try this.  AGREE with her.   If it happens again, simply repeat back to her what she repeatedly told you... Try:

Yes, BM, I understand that you feel your DD needs 3 pairs of dress shoes for the school year and I know you've spoken to BF about this as well.  Yes, I understand you are telling me that she needs these items and I understand you feel this is very important.  Thank you for telling me again. 

Then, say nothing more.  This validates her needs, lets her know you've heard her (when you repeat what she says) but it does NOT say 'yes, BM, I'll make sure BF does as you wish', it simply validates what she says.  You can use this with ANYONE you speak to that annoys you.  She's not looking for excuses, not from you nor BF, by repeating herself she feels you've (and BF) not heard her, don't understand, something, so validating that you heard her is a way to stop it. 

OR, simply stare back at her.  If she asks why you're staring at her, tell her you're waiting for her to say something you haven't heard already, something new, because the first time she said it you had it, AND she's already spoken to BF about it, so there really is NOTHING more YOU (DLM) can do so you're simpy being polite and waiting for her to add something you didn't know to the conversation.  ;) 

When you give her excuses (valid or not) you're opening the door for her to say more.  By agreeing with her, that you understand, she has nothing more to argue about, no? 

Perhaps you/dh could offer to purchase one pair of shoes at a time, in case SD outgrows a pair during the year, and you'll discuss her needs as they come up, but truly, the girl only has one pair of feet, she can't possibly wear 3 pairs of shoes at a time.  ;) 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 4:44 PM
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BM is one thing, your DH is another.  With BM, I think that Jules' advice is excellent.  I think a lot of times, people just want to be heard.  Giving no reaction would probably ramp things up.  If your husband treats BM like he's treating you, it's no wonder she is trying to hammer it home with you.

But with DH?  I would honestly have a CTJ with him.  It's not fair for him to take out his frustration over BM on you. You're doing him a favor. Maybe he could be reminded of that.  If he doesn't approve of how you're dealing with the situation, allow him to figure it out for himself.


DLMsMommy
by Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 5:02 PM

THANK YOU! That was very helpful!

Hoping that will help next time!


As far as the shoes thing goes... apparently SD got a bunch of new dresses and needs shoes to match all of them, black, brown and white. Why it's our responsibility to buy them all is beyond me. SD is still wearing the tennis shoes we bought at the beginning of the summer, and she wants us to get all her dress shoes too. (Not to mention a list of clothing... a certain number of shorts and tops, panties... she forced that one on me by not sending any with her. I would have thought SD just forgot except that BM called me after I left her house to tell me she only sent one pair because that's all she has... how does a child only have two pair of panties?!). BM is making ridiculous demands. We will get SD all we can, but BM is going to be disappointed.

Quoting jules2boys:

Ok, try this.  AGREE with her.   If it happens again, simply repeat back to her what she repeatedly told you... Try:

Yes, BM, I understand that you feel your DD needs 3 pairs of dress shoes for the school year and I know you've spoken to BF about this as well.  Yes, I understand you are telling me that she needs these items and I understand you feel this is very important.  Thank you for telling me again. 

Then, say nothing more.  This validates her needs, lets her know you've heard her (when you repeat what she says) but it does NOT say 'yes, BM, I'll make sure BF does as you wish', it simply validates what she says.  You can use this with ANYONE you speak to that annoys you.  She's not looking for excuses, not from you nor BF, by repeating herself she feels you've (and BF) not heard her, don't understand, something, so validating that you heard her is a way to stop it. 

OR, simply stare back at her.  If she asks why you're staring at her, tell her you're waiting for her to say something you haven't heard already, something new, because the first time she said it you had it, AND she's already spoken to BF about it, so there really is NOTHING more YOU (DLM) can do so you're simpy being polite and waiting for her to add something you didn't know to the conversation.  ;) 

When you give her excuses (valid or not) you're opening the door for her to say more.  By agreeing with her, that you understand, she has nothing more to argue about, no? 

Perhaps you/dh could offer to purchase one pair of shoes at a time, in case SD outgrows a pair during the year, and you'll discuss her needs as they come up, but truly, the girl only has one pair of feet, she can't possibly wear 3 pairs of shoes at a time.  ;) 


DLMsMommy
by Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 5:04 PM


Yeah, I informed DHa few min ago that we will be having a pow wow when he gets off work. :)

Quoting Birdseed:

BM is one thing, your DH is another.  With BM, I think that Jules' advice is excellent.  I think a lot of times, people just want to be heard.  Giving no reaction would probably ramp things up.  If your husband treats BM like he's treating you, it's no wonder she is trying to hammer it home with you.

But with DH?  I would honestly have a CTJ with him.  It's not fair for him to take out his frustration over BM on you. You're doing him a favor. Maybe he could be reminded of that.  If he doesn't approve of how you're dealing with the situation, allow him to figure it out for himself.



momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 5:05 PM

I would not do pu/do's.  If I did I would say to her okay thanks or text it to DH it isn't up to me.  (even if you are apart of that decision making) Get in my car and go. 

Next tell your DH that you don't apprieciate his getting upset with you when you are not apart of the conflict.

Sept-babies2
by Ashley on Aug. 8, 2014 at 5:19 PM
I couldnt talk to bm about money and stuff. I would getnso mad. We get along just fine and I talk to her about other stuff but money..she always wants more. Bm hasnt ever brought me into it though.

I would take the advice you got in the firsr few replies. Let her know you heard her..be nice and move on. Dont let he get to you. My dh used to tell me things of what bm said or did and I would be in a bad mood the whole day. He told me not to let it bother me..so now he doesnt tell me stuff like that.

This is like bm the other day. She asked for dh to buy all school supplies..he gives her child support..sd is here more and then asked dh for more money on top of all that..he told her no..she got over it.

Just help as much as you can and she will have to deal.
DLMsMommy
by Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 5:30 PM

Thanks so much! Glad to know I am not the only one that has that attitude on BM, school stuff, and money. We love her and will do all we can, and I won't let BM get to me over what I can't do.

Quoting Sept-babies2: I couldnt talk to bm about money and stuff. I would getnso mad. We get along just fine and I talk to her about other stuff but money..she always wants more. Bm hasnt ever brought me into it though. I would take the advice you got in the firsr few replies. Let her know you heard her..be nice and move on. Dont let he get to you. My dh used to tell me things of what bm said or did and I would be in a bad mood the whole day. He told me not to let it bother me..so now he doesnt tell me stuff like that. This is like bm the other day. She asked for dh to buy all school supplies..he gives her child support..sd is here more and then asked dh for more money on top of all that..he told her no..she got over it. Just help as much as you can and she will have to deal.


DLMsMommy
by Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 5:34 PM

Not doing pu/do is not an option.

I admit I have a bit of an issue with just not talking to people in general. I would want her, or anyone else, to listen to my concerns and I can't bring myself to be rude and just walk away. I at least have to listen and hear what she has to say.


DH and I are having a discussion tonight.

Quoting momof2cuteboys:

I would not do pu/do's.  If I did I would say to her okay thanks or text it to DH it isn't up to me.  (even if you are apart of that decision making) Get in my car and go. 

Next tell your DH that you don't apprieciate his getting upset with you when you are not apart of the conflict.


whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:01 PM
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I do have a suggestion. My stepkids mother did this to me a few times. I decided that my one and only reply would be "ok, I'll let DH know."Over and over if necessary.

and, Done.

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