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Ss is coming back. Already.

Posted by on Aug. 8, 2014 at 5:59 PM
  • 383 Replies
Yep. He is spending 2 weeks with his BMs mom in Texas. Then moving back here after. He will miss the first week of school.

Bm "cant handle" his issues and doesnt agree with medicating him for them so she has withheld his pills since shes had him back and hes been totally out of control. Its been a week. She already shipped him to her Moms yesterday because he was too much for her.

So, time to get serious about figuring out how to blend this family effectively without destroying everyone involved. He will be returning to counseling as soon as he gets back and df will be resuming his meds on schedule. We have to figure out after school care arrangements for him since df and I both work full time.

Wish me luck. I may need it.
by on Aug. 8, 2014 at 5:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:04 PM
3 moms liked this

You should really stop trying to focus on "blending this family" and start focusing on how your boyfriend is going to transition to being a custodial father. He is coming to live with his father, and you happen to be living in the house too.

Joie35
by Bronze Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:07 PM
1 mom liked this
This is something that affects the family as a whole. Not just my df. Not just ss.

Quoting whatIknownow:

You should really stop trying to focus on "blending this family" and start focusing on how your boyfriend is going to transition to being a custodial father. He is coming to live with his father, and you happen to be living in the house too.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:14 PM
2 moms liked this

I hope your fiance is truly willing to take this bull by the horns and not just dump SS in your lap.  It's a lot to deal with a child who is not yours and even more challenging when that child has medical or mental health issues.  I would be thinking very hard right now about what you actually want your role to be because you could be easily sucked in to a lot of responsibility that you may regret later.

Were I in your shoes now, I'd take a lead from elementary school teachers.  Be hard nosed in the very beginning and set good boundaries.  You can always loosen things up but it is hard to tighten up later.


Joie35
by Bronze Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:21 PM
Hes usually very good about not dumping too much responsibility on me when he can help it. Unfortunately, due to his work schedule I will be taking on quite a bit...though not as much as when I first moved here as my schedule wont allow it anymore.

I dont mind stepping in and being there when they need me. But I cant deal with ss's rages and acting out all day every day either. Df HAS to be diligent about finding a way to control his behavior and better manage his issues or I will not be willing to care for him alone and other arrangements will have to be made when df is working nights (he works 12 hr rotating swing with quite a bit of overtime involved). I plan to be patient as I realize this will take time but if things dont improve in a reasonable time period Im not willing to out myself or my kids through that every night. And if I ever feel he is a danger.to the other kids things will have to change IMMEDIATELY.

Quoting Birdseed:

I hope your fiance is truly willing to take this bull by the horns and not just dump SS in your lap.  It's a lot to deal with a child who is not yours and even more challenging when that child has medical or mental health issues.  I would be thinking very hard right now about what you actually want your role to be because you could be easily sucked in to a lot of responsibility that you may regret later.

Were I in your shoes now, I'd take a lead from elementary school teachers.  Be hard nosed in the very beginning and set good boundaries.  You can always loosen things up but it is hard to tighten up later.

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:25 PM
1 mom liked this

Hmm a custodial mom of like 4 years all of a sudden has decided she can't handle her son weird

Joie35
by Bronze Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:28 PM
Nah not all of a sudden. She sent him back last school year too...but she managed until almost October last year. He lived here with his dad from late September until the end.of normal summer visitation. Shes also sent both kids to him for a yr while they were divorcing and then again a yr later for 6 months. This is a pattern. Not a new thing.

Quoting soonergirl980:

Hmm a custodial mom of like 4 years all of a sudden has decided she can't handle her son weird

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:40 PM
2 moms liked this

Then it shouldn't be a suprise to your df or you and he should have already had a plan in place. I think you are just mad because you want his kids to disappear and have him just for yourself and your kids.

Quoting Joie35: Nah not all of a sudden. She sent him back last school year too...but she managed until almost October last year. He lived here with his dad from late September until the end.of normal summer visitation. Shes also sent both kids to him for a yr while they were divorcing and then again a yr later for 6 months. This is a pattern. Not a new thing.
Quoting soonergirl980:

Hmm a custodial mom of like 4 years all of a sudden has decided she can't handle her son weird


***Briterican***


BubbsJNL
by Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:46 PM
4 moms liked this

The PRIMARY issue is your fiance's son, his issues and getting some resolution or relief from them. DF HAS TO step up and be the primary caretaker for that to happen.

The SECONDARY issue is repairing DF's relationship with HIS son and providing DF's son with the stability that it seems he's lacked, previously.

The TERTIARY issue is 'blending the families', your wants and needs, etc. You KNEW the volatility of the situation you were moving yourself and your kids into. Evidently, you KNEW that his son had these issues BEFORE you pulled up stakes and moved in to HIS house and upended HIS life, yet again (though this is the first I'm seeing that and I've followed most of your posts) so now you have to breathe deeply, find your zen place and give DF the space, time, tools and support that he needs to help his son get through yet another transition.

Youre a grown woman with kids of your own.  Stop making you and yours THE MOST IMPORTANT thing when you are, in fact, the interlopers.  Find a way to be compassionate and helpful and patient and steady, even if it nearly kills you.

Joie35
by Bronze Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:51 PM
Im not wholly surprised. Df and his sd actually made bets as to how long it would take her this time.

Quoting soonergirl980:

Then it shouldn't be a suprise to your df or you and he should have already had a plan in place. I think you are just mad because you want his kids to disappear and have him just for yourself and your kids.

Quoting Joie35: Nah not all of a sudden. She sent him back last school year too...but she managed until almost October last year. He lived here with his dad from late September until the end.of normal summer visitation. Shes also sent both kids to him for a yr while they were divorcing and then again a yr later for 6 months. This is a pattern. Not a new thing.

Quoting soonergirl980:

Hmm a custodial mom of like 4 years all of a sudden has decided she can't handle her son weird

Joie35
by Bronze Member on Aug. 8, 2014 at 6:54 PM
4 moms liked this
One thing I question about your post...why is the well being of ss and df prioritized ABOVE the well being of my children and I? Why isnt everyones well being equally important?

Quoting BubbsJNL:

The PRIMARY issue is your fiance's son, his issues and getting some resolution or relief from them. DF HAS TO step up and be the primary caretaker for that to happen.

The SECONDARY issue is repairing DF's relationship with HIS son and providing DF's son with the stability that it seems he's lacked, previously.


The TERTIARY issue is 'blending the families', your wants and needs, etc.

You KNEW the volatility of the situation you were moving yourself and your kids into. Evidently, you KNEW that his son had these issues BEFORE you pulled up stakes and moved in to HIS house and upended HIS life, yet again (though this is the first I'm seeing that and I've followed most of your posts) so now you have to breathe deeply, find your zen place and give DF the space, time, tools and support that he needs to help his son get through yet another transition.

Youre a grown woman with kids of your own.  Stop making you and yours THE MOST IMPORTANT thing when you are, in fact, the interlopers.  Find a way to be compassionate and helpful and patient and steady, even if it nearly kills you.

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