Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

"I'm only human"

Posted by on Aug. 9, 2014 at 12:51 PM
  • 22 Replies

I was jamming out to Human by Christina Perri this morning when it occurred to me that I'm having a nervous break down.  Dramatic, I know but it's been a year in the making.

Dh and I got married fall last year. His custody battle started a couple months after that and has been increasingly heated ever since.  I feel like this time has been all about his child and bm's actions.  I'm feel needy for wanting to focus on us.  I resent him for moving me an hour away from my family, friends, and church.  I dropped out of school. Because of my frustration and lack of control over my situation, I try to control other things.  I think I'm just trying to help but I'm just upsetting myself.  For example: I gave and reminded dh of the list of things he needs to collect to register ss for school.  He also needs ss's insurance and ss cards.  He hasn't done any of it and has had custody since mid June.  He's not a bad father, he's just a man and does things at the last minute.

Well, last night I had a "What would the girls on SMC tell me?" moment.  I told dh that I would be registering my son for school next week.  SS is his son; he can gather the info needed and register him himself when ever his little heart desires. 

I have been asking dh to go to counseling with me (at least till this custody thing is done) for 6 months now.  He doesn't want to go but wont come out and say it.  He hints around the fact that he thinks people will be concerned about us since we haven't been married a year yet.  "What would SMC tell me?" I'm going alone.  I found an office that takes my insurance and will make an appointment next week.  I think I really need it.  My friends and family are sick of hearing me complain.

I'm scared I will start resenting ss.  I don't at this time.  I take care of him and spend more time with him then his own parents do right now (because it's summer).  I love him and his loves me.  But we are not confused about our roles. I'm not mom.  And I have a bio kid. 

Sorry for the vent.  Did I assume correctly on what to do?  I really need to drop the rope because this whole thing is getting way too hard. 

ETA* Sometimes dropping the rope is just sooo much easier said then done.

Believer. Wife. Mother. | BM to DS10 | CSM to SS5

by on Aug. 9, 2014 at 12:51 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 12:55 PM
I think yes! Ive stopped doing things for df that hes responsible for doing for his dd. I dont make sure hes up to take her to her pt, im not dropping things i have to do for dr appts, and yes u should go alone. Maybe he will come around. Goodluck
mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 1:26 PM

I don't want to stop taking care of ss.  I wont not help him get his clothes, get his bike out, make dinner or whatever.  I don't mind be neutering.  I have a son in the house too so I doing these things already.  Plus he would be sad.  He seeks my attention.  It's not really a problem though.  Dh takes the lend while he is home but we both take care of each others kids.

I don't think I'll resent him for the situation or for taking care of him.  I do resent my dh though.  I need to put some weed killer on it before it takes root. Yes, I hope he does come around.  Whenever we talk about it he says he'll go but when I've asked him to call and make an appointment it doesn't work out. 

I just need to stop carrying dh's rope.  But I'm worried that that makes me a bad wife.

Quoting sophiesister2: I think yes! Ive stopped doing things for df that hes responsible for doing for his dd. I dont make sure hes up to take her to her pt, im not dropping things i have to do for dr appts, and yes u should go alone. Maybe he will come around. Goodluck

 

cdrainey3
by Cher on Aug. 9, 2014 at 1:28 PM
1 mom liked this
I think that's great what you have done! It is your dh's responsibility to register his son in school. If he wants you to do it, he needs to get shit done when you ask. Otherwise it's on his shoulders. You should not stress about it. I think counseling by yourself is good. Get some help on learning how to cope and how to deal with situations. How to be a support for your dh, but still not get emotionally involved in his custody battle. It's really important to be able to separate ourselves from what's good for us and what's bad and dh's ex is bad. Just don't even go there, let dh deal. Love the kiddo when he's in your care, and do your best for him. Go as far as you can and learn to tell dh "I've done what I can, the rest is up to you" having a counselor teach you how to define that line will help a lot! When it comes time, tell dh that you need him to come to a counseling setion with you, this is the time and place, you expect him to be there. I just know too many women who have gone to counseling by themselves to try and fix their marriage, because their dh was "too good" for that and they just ended up in divorce. Tell him his ass needs to be there. I do think a couple of times by yourself would be good though. Hang in there! Remember that when the custody battle is over things will calm down a lot.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 1:29 PM
I think yes! Your dh wanted custody of his son so he needs to make sure that these things are handled.

My husband is not a biological father. He is an adoptive father. For several years prior he was a stepfather and hands off because I handled everything. Last year our son, who he adopted started kindergarten. I expected him to step up and be the father that he signed up to be. But he was still kind of in stepdad mode knowing that I handle everything for my kids. I flat out told him: you signed up for this. You agreed before a judge, our lawyer and our friends and family to be the father to this child and all of that means, you are involved in this stuff. I am taking care of getting dd registered at a different school - I need you to be the father you wanted to be and take on ds. Help me. And he has. That was last year. This year - he got the email about online registration. Sent me an email - I'm going to register ds online for school today. Is that cool? I was like yep! Thank you!!

He got all the paperwork that was needed for registration. Scanned it in and emailed it to the registrars office. I was proud of him.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
cdrainey3
by Cher on Aug. 9, 2014 at 1:35 PM
That does not make you a bad wife! You definitely need to stop carrying his rope. His issues with his son and his ex are so completely out of your control. If you want to help him, do his laundry or the things he usually does around the house so that his load is a little lighter when he gets home. Those are things in your control. Leave him little notes that he will find through the day here and there that tell him how much you love him. Send him texts throughout the day telling him he has your support and love. That is all you can do, those are the things that make you a good wife. The other things make it so you are enabling him.

Quoting mrsd2013:

I don't want to stop taking care of ss.  I wont not help him get his clothes, get his bike out, make dinner or whatever.  I don't mind be neutering.  I have a son in the house too so I doing these things already.  Plus he would be sad.  He seeks my attention.  It's not really a problem though.  Dh takes the lend while he is home but we both take care of each others kids.


I don't think I'll resent him for the situation or for taking care of him.  I do resent my dh though.  I need to put some weed killer on it before it takes root. Yes, I hope he does come around.  Whenever we talk about it he says he'll go but when I've asked him to call and make an appointment it doesn't work out. 


I just need to stop carrying dh's rope.  But I'm worried that that makes me a bad wife.


Quoting sophiesister2: I think yes! Ive stopped doing things for df that hes responsible for doing for his dd. I dont make sure hes up to take her to her pt, im not dropping things i have to do for dr appts, and yes u should go alone. Maybe he will come around. Goodluck

 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 2:08 PM

I was going to just PM you but maybe more people need to hear the same thing.

Good for you!  You're ahead of the game if you can at least see it right now--even if you can't fully do it--dropping the rope that is.

FWIW, I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing a counselor.  What is wrong with learning and growing and getting tools from someone who is trained to help and doesn't have a dog in the fight?  Not a damned thing, that's what.  I saw a counselor before we got married specifically to help me navigate things and do right by the kids. I would say it helped me except it kind of didn't--going alone just created a scenario where the counselor kept telling me I was right and that led to more conflict at home.  DH didn't want to see that counselor with me because it felt like he was being ganged up on.  So we had only been married maybe a month when we saw a marriage counselor together.  We benefitted from it and I think that if we had been able to continue (instead of him moving), we would've made a lot more progress.  I think together is best if you want to work on your relationship but alone is better than nothing.

I can't relate to being a newlywed with a child of my own, but I can relate to being a newlywed where it just doesn't FEEL like it because the focus you maybe thought would be on your relationship, marriage, future, etc is on the back burner for the kids and ex wife.  I'm not talking about being on the back burner because the kids have an emergency or BM is ill where that is necessary and realistic. I'm talking about being a newlywed where you're supposed to be a partner in crime so to speak--us against the world except that the "world" is revolving around the exwife and the kids.

I honestly don't have any answers for you.  All I can say is go to the counseling.  Figure out what you really want.  I'm five, almost six years in and while things have "settled down" a lot, it's really only because I've turned myself inside out.  I love my steps. I really don't have a fundamental issue with BM either.  But I have a husband problem.  He seems to WANT to live in crisis mode, just scraping by, being reactionary instead of proactive and I do not.  My DH figures that if no one is screaming or yelling, all is well.  Even if that means that we bend over backwards or hell, forwards and get screwed.  So much easier for him than confrontation, boundaries, etc.  I feel like I've put my life/world on hold to get through the next thing and the thing after that--being a "good wife" and all.  It does not feel rewarding or happy most days. I've been in contentious business relationships that often felt more fulfilling.

Bottom line...it won't be the kids or the ex wife that make or break things. It will be the adult to adult relationship you and your DH have.  If he is unwilling or unable to examine that when you feel like it's important then I'm afraid you might be in for an interesting ride.  I hope he'll come around but I don't think you should wait for him to get on board before you start doing for yourself.


 


DDDaysh
by on Aug. 9, 2014 at 2:52 PM
Yes, is good to take care of yourself!
mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 3:15 PM

 This was very helpful.  Thank you, cher!  I think I am just really disappointed because I thought the custody situation was going to be done Friday but because BM refused to settle they have to go back in Sept to finish.  Then the judge has 21 days to give them an answer.  So this would have taken up the interior first year of our marriage.  I'm just being a baby: 'look at me, look at me.'  I think counseling will help, like you said, process my thoughts and emotions. 

Quoting cdrainey3: I think that's great what you have done! It is your dh's responsibility to register his son in school. If he wants you to do it, he needs to get shit done when you ask. Otherwise it's on his shoulders. You should not stress about it. I think counseling by yourself is good. Get some help on learning how to cope and how to deal with situations. How to be a support for your dh, but still not get emotionally involved in his custody battle. It's really important to be able to separate ourselves from what's good for us and what's bad and dh's ex is bad. Just don't even go there, let dh deal. Love the kiddo when he's in your care, and do your best for him. Go as far as you can and learn to tell dh "I've done what I can, the rest is up to you" having a counselor teach you how to define that line will help a lot! When it comes time, tell dh that you need him to come to a counseling setion with you, this is the time and place, you expect him to be there. I just know too many women who have gone to counseling by themselves to try and fix their marriage, because their dh was "too good" for that and they just ended up in divorce. Tell him his ass needs to be there. I do think a couple of times by yourself would be good though. Hang in there! Remember that when the custody battle is over things will calm down a lot.

 

mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 3:20 PM

Its gotten to the point where I don't want to do those types of things for him.  I am very much the cute notes in the lunch box mom and wife.  But the resentment has grown to the point that I want to isolate and do things on my own.  Its not always like that but more so as time goes on.  We love each other very much. But it's gotten to the point that I'm detaching emotionally. 

Quoting cdrainey3: That does not make you a bad wife! You definitely need to stop carrying his rope. His issues with his son and his ex are so completely out of your control. If you want to help him, do his laundry or the things he usually does around the house so that his load is a little lighter when he gets home. Those are things in your control. Leave him little notes that he will find through the day here and there that tell him how much you love him. Send him texts throughout the day telling him he has your support and love. That is all you can do, those are the things that make you a good wife. The other things make it so you are enabling him.
Quoting mrsd2013:

I don't want to stop taking care of ss.  I wont not help him get his clothes, get his bike out, make dinner or whatever.  I don't mind be neutering.  I have a son in the house too so I doing these things already.  Plus he would be sad.  He seeks my attention.  It's not really a problem though.  Dh takes the lend while he is home but we both take care of each others kids.

I don't think I'll resent him for the situation or for taking care of him.  I do resent my dh though.  I need to put some weed killer on it before it takes root. Yes, I hope he does come around.  Whenever we talk about it he says he'll go but when I've asked him to call and make an appointment it doesn't work out. 

I just need to stop carrying dh's rope.  But I'm worried that that makes me a bad wife.

Quoting sophiesister2: I think yes! Ive stopped doing things for df that hes responsible for doing for his dd. I dont make sure hes up to take her to her pt, im not dropping things i have to do for dr appts, and yes u should go alone. Maybe he will come around. Goodluck

 

 

mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2014 at 3:30 PM

I said something like that to my mom this morning about dh. I said if he wants custody he should be able to take care of his business. and she gave me the 'omg eyes'

I think sometimes the lines get mixed up because ds's bf isn't around so dh is more and wants to be an active part in his life.  He wants to adopt and is active in ds's schooling (for example).  But with me and ss, its different because his mom is an active role.  She's a mess but she here.  Dh wants to compare the two but can't.  I try to explain it to him but he doesn't seem to understand.  He wants me to help him and do things for ss that I've given the ok for him to do with ds. This could be in my head but it seems like he thinks I'm not as active with ss as he is with ds.  I think that's bs. I don't do less.  I just am active differently.  I cloth ss, teach him things, get him ready for school, do homework etc.  But I'm not his emergency contact person.

Sorry now I'm just venting again. I guess my point is that dh and i need to work on communication....

He needs to deal with his ss stuff and I just need to focus on me and ds.

Quoting momof2ex1: I think yes! Your dh wanted custody of his son so he needsto make sure that these things are handled. My husband is not a biological father. He is an adoptive father. For several years prior he was a stepfather and hands off because I handled everything. Last year our son, who he adopted started kindergarten. I expected him to step up and be the father that he signed up to be. But he was still kind of in stepdadmode knowing that I handle everything for my kids. I flat out told him: you signed up for this. You agreed before a judge, our lawyer and our friends and family to be the father to this child and all of that means, you are involved in this stuff. I am taking care of getting dd registered at a different school - I need you to be the father you wanted to be and take on ds. Help me. And he has. That was last year. This year - he got the email about online registration. Sent me an email - I'm going to register ds online for school today. Is that cool? I was like yep! Thank you!! He got all the paperwork that was needed for registration. Scanned it in and emailed it to the registrars office. I was proud of him.

 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)