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Blending is something you do in short time...

Posted by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 2:35 PM
  • 18 Replies

Mom of 2 kids, married to a man who has been in my kid's lives for nearly 10 years. 

My kids love my husband. They have good relationships with him. He loves them.

My oldest child will go to him for "fun" things or "no big deal things"... the other day she asked where a reusable shopping bag was, for example, and called me after she asked him to ask me if she could walk to the grocery store with her friend. He was right there, she could have, but she felt better coming to me. 

That is how it is with a lot of things. Sleepovers - mom. Homework help - mom. Friend issues  - mom. 

Clothes shopping  - SF (better taste than mom), video games - SF, hot dogs for dinner - SF (mom will say no). 

10 years and this is it how it is with my teen and how it always has been.

My son is not the same at all.  

We still have a good family life even though after 10 years we're not running like an intact family - but we're not one. And how this family runs is what causes some SMs to come here and vent - about how their SK goes to their parent over them. Or how the kid will ask their parent for things the SP says no to... well... that is how kids are. And it sometimes stays that way for years. 

The point is that it takes time, a lot of time sometimes. Forcing the "we are family" thing isn't going to work with all kids - if a SM showed up right now and tried pushing that my oldest would roll her eyes and walk away. My youngest would say what he was thinking and it most likely would be something along the lines of "no, we're not yet"... 

If you get upset that it doesn't happen quickly, try lowering  your expectations. 

by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 2:35 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 2:46 PM

It took Dh and I....4-5yrs to get to a somewhat normal "blended family"

there were a few hit and misses...but ultimately I parented my child my way,he parented his kids his way. And there was no interference....

He and I have been together nearly 8 yrs now....and for the first time ever-on Friday-did I give SS permission to spend the night with MIL without asking DH...(I know I'm rotten)

I knew it wasn't going to be instant happy family...but not everyone realizes that...some expect that once SM/Dad or Mom/SF move in together-they're all a big happy home...and then wonder why it blows up in their face or there's some deep issues.


codysara
by Platinum Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 3:05 PM
Lol. Even when I was married to my kids father they would ask me something and if I said no, they would ask their dad in a different room hoping for a different answer.
Or dads answer would almost always be, go ask your mother.
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 3:09 PM

SS was 2 when I start dating his Dad, he has always called me Auntie and the relationship has always been the same, pretty easy going.  SS is now 13.

It is neither here or there to me whether we are family or not but we are all comfortable with each other.

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 3:17 PM
2 moms liked this
This is good advice for newbie sp's who think everything is just supposed to fall in place over night.
sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 3:18 PM
I think in some cases youll never be a truly blended family and thats okay as long as noone is miserable in the situation
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Aug. 10, 2014 at 3:29 PM
I agree with lee girl. It depends how comfortable you are around each other. Or that's more important IMO.

I think it just depends on the kids. Every year is different and some years the skids and my
Dds get along and some they don't. I think you should give it time and let it "flow" naturally for the kids. Step-Parents-should make effort to make them all comfortable.
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whatIknownow
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 3:39 PM

I don't know when we blended. Possibly there was some partial blending around the time that DH got primary custody.  I think blending happened earlier with the younger kids. Now we've been married 12+ years and I'd say we're pretty well blended.  But we will never be exactly like an intact family because all the kids have other parents that don't live here....and that is significant.

cdrainey3
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 3:53 PM
AMEN!! I've been in my ss life for 8 years and I still say "ask your dad" I have NEVER needed to discipline him, because HIS FATHER will do it and should do it! He's man enough to be the "bad guy" our family blended easier than most, because I didn't bring children into the relationship and ss was so young when I married dh. I think it was probably 3 years before I was alone with ss. He's not my kid and I had no intentions of trying to make him feel like I was. We took things very slow and that is how it should be.

I can't believe how messed up some women are.
teaching_kids
by Bronze Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 5:43 AM
Sounds like you have your own rythym in your family and it totally works. That is awesome!

I wasn't able to "lower my expectations" in this regard. My SD is a really good kid and it's never been an issue for me to say no and she would ask her father after I told her no. She has just never been that way.

I have however had this issue with my mother-in-law coming for visits, hearing me say no or after you eat your dinner or whatever-I wouldn't lower my expectations with grandmom either and definitely nipped that every time it happened until it no longer happens.

My in-laws live with us when they visit. And teaching my SD she can have whatever she wants regardless of my voice is not okay. If they wanted to take her out and do whatever they wanted with her that would be okay. However, I've had more than one conversation with my mother in law about this, explaining how our home works and what my expectations were and how it wasn't okay to teach this kid to devalue me. Fortunately, my father-in-law and my husband both agreed with me and eventually both called her out on this when it happened, so at some point I didn't have to.
Having their support was probably critical.
Mind you, this is also a woman who comes into my home and tries to change everything. Including where things are located in my kitchen. Lol. Normally when she leaves it takes me two weeks to find things.
By keeping my expectations - and handling in each case as it showed up-things are so very smooth now.
There is a lot of harmony...
In the end-my husband and I want these kids to value and respect both of us. They seem to gravitate to me for some things and my husband for other things. It's almost like they just know intuitively who they should go to for what.

MBanks524
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 7:25 AM
It did not take much time at all for the younger kids to blend. It was the older kids that took more time. They are 14 and 15 now. Teens are just hard in general. They do come to me for most things. The younger kids will go to whoever they feel will say yes or whoever is with them at the time. We don't allow any of them to go from the one that said no to get a yes from other person. We make the rules together for our house. We both decide consequences. All the kids know to listen to us both. If we don't agree about how something is handled we talk about it privately away from the kids. We do not intervene or go against what the other has said. My younger kids see him as dad. My SD calls me mom. We also have a shared DS. My older boys call my HD by him name. We decided to involve the kids in what we were to be called. We didn't force them and it took time as well. There hasn't really been a lot of issues except early on when we were figuring things out. The adults (HD BM and I) took time to figure things out but we did. It has been pretty good since then. I'm thinking the next round of teens won't be but teens aren't anyway.
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