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Biological mom interference

Posted by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 4:28 PM
  • 18 Replies

I need advice.  My marriage may be in trouble.  I won't get into detail just yet. This is our family... I have a son from a previous relationship.  My husband had a son (he died in a car accident 2 years ago) who was the oldest...then married and had 3 daughters.  Divorced after 3 1/2 years.  She was an alcoholic.  We met and were married Oct 1998 and I immediately conceived and gave birth to our daughter.

I need to know how you all deal with the 'other woman'.  The girls never respected me or my household rules.  I am a Christian, Born again believer. I love mu husband very much.  It hurts me two fold when we end up in a fight because of the older girls.  I helped raise them the first four years we were together.  Then helped them move to another city and (as they grew and had children) and helped raise them.  They all call me grandma.

I don't want to make my husband feel bad when he spends time with his kids but lately his ex wife seems to be trying to get back in the picture after 15 years.  My husband assured me he wants nothing to do with the ex.  But his daughters keep finding ways to "get them together" without me or our youngest daughter.

Help

by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 4:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 4:34 PM
1 mom liked this

well your husband's a big boy-I'm sure he can tell his children to stop pushing him and their mother together....or just avoid situations where she'll be there.

My parents were split before I was born...there were family events where my parents were around one another-there was never an issue.

Let your DH handle his kids and his ex-dont let them bother you.

mischele
by Bronze Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 4:37 PM
Your always going to have to deal with BM even after the kids are grown. I hate dealing with BM. Make it clear to your husband you don't want him around her without you. He should respect you enough. I don't care is DH sees BM, I know for a fact he won't be doing anything with her
tiafez
by Platinum Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 4:40 PM

sounds like he's holding his own. 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 4:49 PM
Why does her husband need supervision? Is there a chance he may slip and fall and knock his penis into BM? Of course if there is that chance - he may need to be supervised while with BM.

Quoting mischele: Your always going to have to deal with BM even after the kids are grown. I hate dealing with BM. Make it clear to your husband you don't want him around her without you. He should respect you enough. I don't care is DH sees BM, I know for a fact he won't be doing anything with her
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leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 4:52 PM

How is the Ex trying to get back in the picture? Is he spending time with the Ex? If so why? 

wells88
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 7:09 PM

I guess I need to clarify.  I am not worried about my husband.  Its the bm.  After marrying my husband, I moved from my home to another state.  I got phone calls from her (quit answering the phone and let my husband handle her inebriated converstion) and coworkers would tell me she was threatening to hurt me.

The bm drank 3 to 4 times a week...and would get totally drunk. She had custody of the girls but they lived with us "at first".  My husband did everything for the girls. The oldest was 16 when my husband and I married. She had the hardest time.  The middle daughter was the most helpful and did her best to help me get accommodated.  The youngest in my opinion was trying to get accustom to the changes but had a hard time accepting it all.

During the first few months, the oldest boy and I started a good friendship that lasted until his death. The girls would go visit their mother when she was back in town (lived in 5 different towns over the years) and when they got back it would always be a fight.  The oldest one told her dad one time, "if you would have told us you were lonely we would have found someone for you".  I had developed a chore duty chart for all of us, included myself and my husband.  When it was the oldest turn to do dishes she would cal her mom (if she was in town) or her aunt to come and pick her up.  She would be gone for a few days then come back. She made her dad wash her clothes, clean her room and if she didn't want to do what was on the chores list...he would do it for her.  My son, who was 7 at the time did all his chores including dishes and cleaning the restroom..

I had a very expensive credenza and hutch that a good friend gave me.  I was at work...when I was on our country road coming home I had noticed they were running in the field.  I didn't know what was going on.  When I got back the eldest boy told me the girls were playing basketball in the living room and knocked over my hutch breaking it and all the family pictures and knick knacks.  The carpet was full of glass.  I asked him what the girls were doing out in the field.  He told me that they called their mom and said I was going to beat them up and they were scared. So I called their dad and told him what was going on.  By the time he got back he told me the girls mom was on the highway with the girls and she was hollering something at him.  He didn't know what was going on (didn't see the girls running in the field).  I asked his son to tell him what happened.

I am not trying to say I am an angel or perfect.. I have plenty of faults, believe me. But there are more incidents like this that have happened.

I tried talking to them and telling them in no way was I trying to replace their mom.  I simply wanted to be friends if they would let me.  When their mom would drink she would say terrible things to them about their dad.  He would tell me what their mom said to them.  We started having a family bible study night on Wednesdays.  My husband hadn't attended church on a regular basis so I began making sure we went to church every Sunday.  That helped us.  One time my stepdaughter.. the middle child tried to commit suicide. She took a full bottle of tylenol and had locked herself in the bathroom.  She was crying and yelling saying she hated her mom. She was only 17 and had been drinking at her mom's. Their mom held regular weekend parties at her home and would allow the girls to invite young men to spend the night with them.  She woke me up (her hollering) and I couldn't get the door open to see what was wrong. I got my husband him and he knocked the door in.  We found the bottle.  I told my husband we needed to call the ambulance but he told me no.  I called 911 anyway.  The paramedic told my husband (after they gave her a mixture to drink) that she needed to get to the hospital right away.  Her mom couldn't make it until the next day.  When she arrived she yelled at her daughter and said she was making her look bad.

As the girls got older it got worse. The oldest daughter went to live with an aunt after she yelled at him and said she and her sisters dont have to listen to me.  Just want to add, that when my husband and I would be sitting on the couch watching a movie she would sit on her dads lap and move me out of the way.  I figured she was needing his attention so i would move.  After several acts like that, my husband had words with her.

(sigh) It's a battle.  But does it have to be? Can I do something different to make our lives better?  How do you all (step-moms) do it?  I am looking for help...

DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 7:17 PM
1 mom liked this
It really doesn't matter what BM does, if you trust your husband, you have nothing to worry about.
wells88
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 7:26 PM

Could it really be that simple?

BubbsJNL
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 7:34 PM

The girls are all grown and out of the house?

Does BM still drink?

FWIW, you've been his wife for 16 years.  Machinations by the girls to get him somewhere without you just shouldn't be possible and only he has control over that.  On the other hand, you've been his wife for 16 years and you should take him at his word?

momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 7:37 PM

well she isn't the other woman unless he cheated on you with her.  I would stop referring to her.  Your DH has a mind of his own and if he says that nothing is happening it isn't.  Unless you don't trust him.  Do you still trust him?

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