• In the Spotlight:
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Tired of feeling like tbis

Posted by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 5:06 PM
  • 26 Replies
Background is I've been married 4 1/2 yrs.dh is custodial, has been for 7 years. BM lives far away and sees sk's 1 wk a yr. kids are sd14, ss13, ds13, dd10.

I got onto a really big tiff with DH a few weeks ago and it was about SD's behavior and the fact that DH didn't discipline her. Sd got on the middle of this and in my anger I said bad things about BM.

BM has sued DH 4 times and each resulted in a long drawn out trial and grueling. DH won every time but thousands were spent on legal fees. Bms parents kept financing her suing dh , it was all awful. Personally BM has has texted me nasty things and yelled at me on the phone. . I cut off my phones from her and blocked her. BM has called the police and CPS on me several times.

Anyway, I shouldn't have said awful things to sd about BM. I feel horrible. Also DH and I had a bad fight 2 nights ago and I got really super pissed because dh was going to take the sk's shopping to get things BM wants them
To have for their upcomming 1 wk visit.

I'm tired of getting so angry and don't know how to stop it. I'm tired of feeling guilty. I'm tired of feeling like a bad person. I've seriously considered separating/divorcing over this.

Any advice?
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 5:06 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
codysara
by Platinum Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 6:47 PM
I dont know what to tell you. Why does she only get one week per year?
cdrainey3
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 7:04 PM
3 moms liked this
I had pure hate for bm about year ago. I can honestly say I have never felt that way about anyone and I didn't like the feeling. It took me a while, but I promised myself I was not going to allow her anymore room in my head. I slowly detached myself. I used to ask dh what his plan was to get ss for the weekend. Now I just don't. I don't care. That's a part of my dh's life that I am not a part of. Im kind and loving to ss when he's in my home and that's all I have been for a while. Ss is really into football. I don't even think I will be going to any of his games. I'm just over it. I focus on my marriage and my kids. When ss is here I love him and treat him like one of the kids. When he talks to me I listen and try to act interested. Lol.

I don't have that hate anymore. I'm proud of myself. I don't even ask dh anything about his son. If its important enough, dh will tell me. Just about two months ago I made a post about ss11 having an iPad and Instagram and asking out girls who he doesn't even know and just being very inappropriate. Dh tried to bring it up with bm and it just ended in a huge fight. I was so irritated and couldn't believe the woman could be so stupid. Last week ss asked out yet another girl he doesn't even know on Instagram (his phone went off so I looked over and saw the convo) the girl said "no, fuck you and don't ever talk to me again" normally I would open his phone and read more and I just didn't. I'm so over it. If his parents don't have a handle on it, that's their deal! That goes for a lot of things too.

It takes time, but if you make a priority out of it, you can over come these feelings in time. Don't waste your precious time with your dh talking about bm. Let him deal with her. When he's forking out all of this money, is he still able to provide or uphold his responsibilities with money? If so, then who cares. If it continues to bother you, find a way to split your finances.

If you don't love your dh anymore, then leave. Don't waste anymore of your life being stressed. If you do love him and want to be with him, then make an effort to disengage. Take care of your kids and your relationship with your dh and that's all.
BubbsJNL
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 7:31 PM
2 moms liked this

All of what CDRainey said, plus, if you're sticking around, I'd go for a walk with SD and admit that you made a mistake in what you said and that you just got really frustrated.  Sometimes. A little humility can go a long way though, with teenagers, you never know.

SD is with you 51 weeks out of the year so total detachment from her is a hard sell, probably, but absolutely disengage regarding BM.  When this time of year is approaching, find yourself a mental cave to retreat to and come out when the visit is over.

OvrMyHead
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 9:51 PM
The judge was really upset with BM and her family during the trial. BM left the kids with DH and moved away thinking that DH wouldn't be able to handle them and he'd return them. 2 1/2 years later at the trial it was clear that she was mentally ill. She testified that she wasn't though. The judge only wanted the kids to have 1 wk supervised but over the years DH doesn't have them supervised.

Quoting codysara: I dont know what to tell you. Why does she only get one week per year?
KarmaBusDriver
by ChiefBottleWasher on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:04 PM
1 mom liked this

Be human and apologize to SD. She doesn't need to know details, but an sincere apology will go along way. I would suggest also seeking a therapist you can talk to. It may be beneficial if DH would be willing to go with you too.

If the situation is too much for you to handle, stop feeling guilty and leave. Life is too short to force something that is making you miserable, especially helping raising kids that are not yours.

OvrMyHead
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:06 PM
That is a good point. I have to gear myself up when these yearly visits come around.

You are right that I'm with sd most of the time and I'm not detached but I let DH handle all of her stuff. I help him though because I'm home more (I work from home some days and get home earlier than DH when I go into the office). So I'm driving the kids around and making dinner, etc. I like having sd and ss here. It's just normal.


Quoting BubbsJNL:

All of what CDRainey said, plus, if you're sticking around, I'd go for a walk with SD and admit that you made a mistake in what you said and that you just got really frustrated.  Sometimes. A little humility can go a long way though, with teenagers, you never know.

SD is with you 51 weeks out of the year so total detachment from her is a hard sell, probably, but absolutely disengage regarding BM.  When this time of year is approaching, find yourself a mental cave to retreat to and come out when the visit is over.

OvrMyHead
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:08 PM
That is the thing. The guilt, being stressed out, etc is eating at me.

Yes, I need to apologize.


Quoting KarmaBusDriver:

Be human and apologize to SD. She doesn't need to know details, but an sincere apology will go along way. I would suggest also seeking a therapist you can talk to. It may be beneficial if DH would be willing to go with you too.

If the situation is too much for you to handle, stop feeling guilty and leave. Life is too short to force something that is making you miserable, especially helping raising kids that are not yours.

OvrMyHead
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 10:23 PM
Yup, exactly. I need to separate my mind from all of the BM crap. Glad to hear that you are able to do this, but it's hard! With BM being far away and not having much visitation she doesn't come onto my radar except when my sk's and I get into an issue. Then they run to BM to let her know what a witch I am. I blame DH a lot for not intercepting the SKs when I'm having issues.

The other nights fight didn't involve me at all. Ss and sd were getting into it verbally with each other and they get really nasty so I want their sparing broken up ASAP. DH told them to stop and ss told DH 'no' and then used the f word. DH did nothing except tell him again to leave the table and go to his room. Once again ss says no. This went in another 4 times until I yelled at ss to listen to his dad and took his elsctronic game. Ss immediately went to his room bitching about me (of course).

I was mad at DH because he could make ss leave the table and didn't do anything after ss td DH no. This does effect me and my kids because we are all in the same room. Ss knows not to use the f word to, he was just being defiant.

If DH was on top if this none of this would have happened. I do NOT take this type of crap from my kids.

So, I blame DH for this. Also, DH was the one who told me that he had to buy sd this and that because BM said he needed it. DH did not need to tell me that.

The thought of leaving DH makes me sick to my stomach. I just get so stressed out.


Quoting cdrainey3: I had pure hate for bm about year ago. I can honestly say I have never felt that way about anyone and I didn't like the feeling. It took me a while, but I promised myself I was not going to allow her anymore room in my head. I slowly detached myself. I used to ask dh what his plan was to get ss for the weekend. Now I just don't. I don't care. That's a part of my dh's life that I am not a part of. Im kind and loving to ss when he's in my home and that's all I have been for a while. Ss is really into football. I don't even think I will be going to any of his games. I'm just over it. I focus on my marriage and my kids. When ss is here I love him and treat him like one of the kids. When he talks to me I listen and try to act interested. Lol.

I don't have that hate anymore. I'm proud of myself. I don't even ask dh anything about his son. If its important enough, dh will tell me. Just about two months ago I made a post about ss11 having an iPad and Instagram and asking out girls who he doesn't even know and just being very inappropriate. Dh tried to bring it up with bm and it just ended in a huge fight. I was so irritated and couldn't believe the woman could be so stupid. Last week ss asked out yet another girl he doesn't even know on Instagram (his phone went off so I looked over and saw the convo) the girl said "no, fuck you and don't ever talk to me again" normally I would open his phone and read more and I just didn't. I'm so over it. If his parents don't have a handle on it, that's their deal! That goes for a lot of things too.

It takes time, but if you make a priority out of it, you can over come these feelings in time. Don't waste your precious time with your dh talking about bm. Let him deal with her. When he's forking out all of this money, is he still able to provide or uphold his responsibilities with money? If so, then who cares. If it continues to bother you, find a way to split your finances.

If you don't love your dh anymore, then leave. Don't waste anymore of your life being stressed. If you do love him and want to be with him, then make an effort to disengage. Take care of your kids and your relationship with your dh and that's all.
cdrainey3
by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 11:02 PM
That would not fly with my dh. Just now my two year old smacked me in the face (pretty normal for toddler behavior) but dh didn't even give him a warning, picked him up from the floor, spanked his butt and put him in the room while telling him he does not treat mom like that. Usually I do not like spanking. It makes me cringe. However, when it comes to respecting adults, especially parents its necessary. My ds6 would NEVER and has never even thought of hitting me or using bad language, he just knows he will get his ass handed to him by dad. Same with my ss11. I'm not sure how he is with his mom, but he's very respectful and kind with us because its just demanded. I honestly don't know how I could handle step life if my dh wasn't a hands on discipliner. I do not like being the bad guy with other people's children, unless its very necessary.

What have you said to your dh about letting so much slide that you feel like you have to pipe up? Are your children dh's? One thing I find myself doing with my ds6, because he is at the age that he compares everything to ss11, is just saying sorry I am not ss mom I am your mom and this is how we do it. Even when we are with cousins and other kids I have to say that. I have different standards than other parents and my children are quickly learning that. Life's not fair and I want my boys to know that and to chose to still be happy, so I'm fine with the challenge.


Quoting OvrMyHead: Yup, exactly. I need to separate my mind from all of the BM crap. Glad to hear that you are able to do this, but it's hard! With BM being far away and not having much visitation she doesn't come onto my radar except when my sk's and I get into an issue. Then they run to BM to let her know what a witch I am. I blame DH a lot for not intercepting the SKs when I'm having issues.

The other nights fight didn't involve me at all. Ss and sd were getting into it verbally with each other and they get really nasty so I want their sparing broken up ASAP. DH told them to stop and ss told DH 'no' and then used the f word. DH did nothing except tell him again to leave the table and go to his room. Once again ss says no. This went in another 4 times until I yelled at ss to listen to his dad and took his elsctronic game. Ss immediately went to his room bitching about me (of course).

I was mad at DH because he could make ss leave the table and didn't do anything after ss td DH no. This does effect me and my kids because we are all in the same room. Ss knows not to use the f word to, he was just being defiant.

If DH was on top if this none of this would have happened. I do NOT take this type of crap from my kids.

So, I blame DH for this. Also, DH was the one who told me that he had to buy sd this and that because BM said he needed it. DH did not need to tell me that.

The thought of leaving DH makes me sick to my stomach. I just get so stressed out.


Quoting cdrainey3: I had pure hate for bm about year ago. I can honestly say I have never felt that way about anyone and I didn't like the feeling. It took me a while, but I promised myself I was not going to allow her anymore room in my head. I slowly detached myself. I used to ask dh what his plan was to get ss for the weekend. Now I just don't. I don't care. That's a part of my dh's life that I am not a part of. Im kind and loving to ss when he's in my home and that's all I have been for a while. Ss is really into football. I don't even think I will be going to any of his games. I'm just over it. I focus on my marriage and my kids. When ss is here I love him and treat him like one of the kids. When he talks to me I listen and try to act interested. Lol.

I don't have that hate anymore. I'm proud of myself. I don't even ask dh anything about his son. If its important enough, dh will tell me. Just about two months ago I made a post about ss11 having an iPad and Instagram and asking out girls who he doesn't even know and just being very inappropriate. Dh tried to bring it up with bm and it just ended in a huge fight. I was so irritated and couldn't believe the woman could be so stupid. Last week ss asked out yet another girl he doesn't even know on Instagram (his phone went off so I looked over and saw the convo) the girl said "no, fuck you and don't ever talk to me again" normally I would open his phone and read more and I just didn't. I'm so over it. If his parents don't have a handle on it, that's their deal! That goes for a lot of things too.

It takes time, but if you make a priority out of it, you can over come these feelings in time. Don't waste your precious time with your dh talking about bm. Let him deal with her. When he's forking out all of this money, is he still able to provide or uphold his responsibilities with money? If so, then who cares. If it continues to bother you, find a way to split your finances.

If you don't love your dh anymore, then leave. Don't waste anymore of your life being stressed. If you do love him and want to be with him, then make an effort to disengage. Take care of your kids and your relationship with your dh and that's all.
Polkadotted
by Platinum Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 12:54 AM
1 mom liked this

lol goodness, were you at my house? DH and I hash this out every now and then. 

Quoting OvrMyHead: Yup, exactly. I need to separate my mind from all of the BM crap. Glad to hear that you are able to do this, but it's hard! With BM being far away and not having much visitation she doesn't come onto my radar except when my sk's and I get into an issue. Then they run to BM to let her know what a witch I am. I blame DH a lot for not intercepting the SKs when I'm having issues. The other nights fight didn't involve me at all. Ss and sd were getting into it verbally with each other and they get really nasty so I want their sparing broken up ASAP. DH told them to stop and ss told DH 'no' and then used the f word. DH did nothing except tell him again to leave the table and go to his room. Once again ss says no. This went in another 4 times until I yelled at ss to listen to his dad and took his elsctronic game. Ss immediately went to his room bitching about me (of course). I was mad at DH because he could make ss leave the table and didn't do anything after ss td DH no. This does effect me and my kids because we are all in the same room. Ss knows not to use the f word to, he was just being defiant. If DH was on top if this none of this would have happened. I do NOT take this type of crap from my kids. So, I blame DH for this. Also, DH was the one who told me that he had to buy sd this and that because BM said he needed it. DH did not need to tell me that. The thought of leaving DH makes me sick to my stomach. I just get so stressed out.
Quoting cdrainey3: I had pure hate for bm about year ago. I can honestly say I have never felt that way about anyone and I didn't like the feeling. It took me a while, but I promised myself I was not going to allow her anymore room in my head. I slowly detached myself. I used to ask dh what his plan was to get ss for the weekend. Now I just don't. I don't care. That's a part of my dh's life that I am not a part of. Im kind and loving to ss when he's in my home and that's all I have been for a while. Ss is really into football. I don't even think I will be going to any of his games. I'm just over it. I focus on my marriage and my kids. When ss is here I love him and treat him like one of the kids. When he talks to me I listen and try to act interested. Lol. I don't have that hate anymore. I'm proud of myself. I don't even ask dh anything about his son. If its important enough, dh will tell me. Just about two months ago I made a post about ss11 having an iPad and Instagram and asking out girls who he doesn't even know and just being very inappropriate. Dh tried to bring it up with bm and it just ended in a huge fight. I was so irritated and couldn't believe the woman could be so stupid. Last week ss asked out yet another girl he doesn't even know on Instagram (his phone went off so I looked over and saw the convo) the girl said "no, fuck you and don't ever talk to me again" normally I would open his phone and read more and I just didn't. I'm so over it. If his parents don't have a handle on it, that's their deal! That goes for a lot of things too. It takes time, but if you make a priority out of it, you can over come these feelings in time. Don't waste your precious time with your dh talking about bm. Let him deal with her. When he's forking out all of this money, is he still able to provide or uphold his responsibilities with money? If so, then who cares. If it continues to bother you, find a way to split your finances. If you don't love your dh anymore, then leave. Don't waste anymore of your life being stressed. If you do love him and want to be with him, then make an effort to disengage. Take care of your kids and your relationship with your dh and that's all.


Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)