Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

no Judgement just insight please

Posted by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 5:45 PM
  • 38 Replies

As a new step-mom to four children, with two of my own, I am often confused and overwhelmed as to what exactly my role should be.  My husband and I share custody of all six children with a 50/50 split, having them all together one week and then none the next.  I married and divorced my high school sweetheart so i've never dealt with Ex's or BM's at all, ever.  I find the whole process intimidating.  With the divorce statistics for second marriages so high, I want to get this right!  Any insight would be much appreciated!  His children are aged 8, 11, 12, and 16.  Mine are 15 and 13.  Thanks!

by on Aug. 10, 2014 at 5:45 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
lonelymoon
by Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 5:53 PM
It's tough. I found I can't parent his kids, I just expect dh to do it. I handle mine. It works for us.
mariposadays
by New Member on Aug. 10, 2014 at 5:57 PM
1 mom liked this
First, I want to commend you for taking all of this in. You are a strong lady. Second, it's tough. What I have learned from doing this for 11 years is that, above all, you and DH have to be united. You have to back each other up. Trust me, this is easier said than done. Setting ground rules that you both believe in and can uphold and fall back on is key. Feelings will get hurt, and kids will be unhappy. You and DH have to stick together to get through it. As a SM we can uphold the discipline that the bio parent has put in place. "In this house we..." " your dad and I have agreed that..." Then leave any further discipline to DH. Hopefully your DH is not a Disney dad like mine. My close friend has had much success with her family using this method. I have had some success with the same method but it falls apart when parents take the side of the child, even when the child is wrong. This is what happened in my house. I hope that you can establish unity early on.
cdrainey3
by Cher on Aug. 10, 2014 at 6:20 PM
Definitely don't force it. Be realistic in your expectations of a family. It takes time. I would highly recommend letting him discipline his children and you do the same for yours. While I'm sure you're excited about your new relationship, your children need to know they are still your priority. Same with him and his children. How do the kids get a long? IMO you should not mix the children with room sharing. Keep your kids together and separate from his kids. I think that will help a lot of conflict from happening. Lots of one on one time with your own children. Of course it's good to have everyone together at times, but again your kids need YOU and his kids need him. I think when children have that confidence and security they are less likely to act out.
rowden7082
by Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 12:23 AM
The kids don't share rooms, except for the two youngest girls and they're biological. We finished off the basement with two additional bedrooms and a bath fire my two. We moved into my husband's house. For the most part the kids get along fine. We've been incredibly blessed in that regards. I guess where I'm struggling is boundaries with the BM and division of labor/parenting in the house. I think my husband wants me to handle most everything and it's overwhelming wIth six kids. Also it doesn't leave me much time for my own two kids. Is it wrong to still want one on one time wIth them? Should it all be equal? His two youngest girls are a handful and take up much of my time when they're with us
codysara
by Silver Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 12:39 AM
Time does become hard to manage. But you each should have alone time with your biological children as well as blended family time ( everyone together) and time for you and dh alone. Yes very hard to do, but every person in your old and new family need personal time as well as time to get to know those they are now sharing a person they love with.

Quoting rowden7082: The kids don't share rooms, except for the two youngest girls and they're biological. We finished off the basement with two additional bedrooms and a bath fire my two. We moved into my husband's house. For the most part the kids get along fine. We've been incredibly blessed in that regards. I guess where I'm struggling is boundaries with the BM and division of labor/parenting in the house. I think my husband wants me to handle most everything and it's overwhelming wIth six kids. Also it doesn't leave me much time for my own two kids. Is it wrong to still want one on one time wIth them? Should it all be equal? His two youngest girls are a handful and take up much of my time when they're with us
DinoBug5959
by Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 12:46 AM

You need to speak to Dh about how you want to handle it. At their ages, they don't see you as a mom. They will begrudingly listen to you because they have to. Really, I'd try to be supportive and nice, but don't be incredbily involved. They don't need that from you. 

MaggieWho
by Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 12:52 AM

WOW Thats a lot. You have to make a commit to each other for when or IF the kids act up and try to put a wedge or cause problems with you.


Being a united front is important so no cons can happen. ALWAYS answer lets ask Dad and vice versa .

Your rules are your rules. Your house is your house (Yours and DH)

Be a mom to yours and if the kids have a good mom, then be a mentor and a support for your DH.

What are the kids feeling? Family meeting?

ENJOY your week off :)

packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Aug. 11, 2014 at 3:38 AM
Why doesn't he want to handle things for his kids? Ask him that, Why they are your responsibility and not his.
LiveInTheNow
by Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 4:20 AM

 I agree with this completely. DH and I discuss everything and are definitely united. And SD is ok with how we do things here. I cant say there wasnt a struggle in the beginning but it definitely gets easier and I think SD kinda enjoys the structure and stability. Best of luck to you!

Quoting mariposadays: First, I want to commend you for taking all of this in. You are a strong lady. Second, it's tough. What I have learned from doing this for 11 years is that, above all, you and DH have to be united. You have to back each other up. Trust me, this is easier said than done. Setting ground rules that you both believe in and can uphold and fall back on is key. Feelings will get hurt, and kids will be unhappy. You and DH have to stick together to get through it. As a SM we can uphold the discipline that the bio parent has put in place. "In this house we..." " your dad and I have agreed that..." Then leave any further discipline to DH. Hopefully your DH is not a Disney dad like mine. My close friend has had much success with her family using this method. I have had some success with the same method but it falls apart when parents take the side of the child, even when the child is wrong. This is what happened in my house. I hope that you can establish unity early on.

 

andie646c
by Silver Member on Aug. 11, 2014 at 4:29 AM
1 mom liked this

Appreciate the time you get alone, without the kids. Then act like they are never coming back while you have them.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Join now to connect to
other members!
Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN