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Thong Underwear?

Posted by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 5:57 PM
  • 24 Replies
I am not sure how to deal with this. Michael's (my stepdaughter) mom passed away in 2010 (pancreatic cancer). Michael is now 10. Her grandma (mom's mom) still struggles with Dawn's passing, which is understandable. I couldn't imagine how she feels. Having said that, when Michael goes to visit, Gma calls her Dawn and makes her wear Dawn's favorite scent. She also gives Michael Dawn's clothes to wear. T-shirts are fine. But she started giving Michael Dawn's bikini underwear and adult tank tops (Lacy and completely inappropriate for a 10 year old) and makes her wear them when she's there. Michael has started to pull away from Gma. Do I let this happen or encourage her to have a relationship? I understand why she doesn't want to see her much anymore. Well, Michael went to visit her gpa who lives in the same town as gma. She saw her gma for a few hours. Gma gave her Dawn's lacy thong underwear to wear. Obviously SD was very uncomfortable. She doesn't know if she should through them away or keep in a box. She thinks it's gross and obviously she isn't aloud to wear them. Do we say anything to gma about how wrong this is. Michael calls me mom and her mom's family refers to me as mom also, so it's not something that I need to stay out of. She's my daughter, even if not biologically.
by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 5:57 PM
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by Hi, my name is... on Aug. 12, 2014 at 6:05 PM
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Keep in box. Honestly,if my mom
Passed away id throw out the undies. My dad passed away and we were very close but I never thought about keeping his under garmets
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by Gold Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 6:05 PM
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What does your DH have to say about any of this?

If this were occurring to my SD, I'd allow her to pull away and make sure her father knew exactly why I felt that was a good idea.  Things are not right with grandma.  Grief can manifest in various ways, but what you're describing is unhealthy, particularly for a young girl who has lost her mother.  I cannot begin to imagine how grandma feels having lost a daughter, but SD is not a replacement.

by Bronze Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 6:12 PM
What does DH say about it?
by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 6:18 PM
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I'm sorry for your SD's loss of her mother.

I would not get involved in this underwear thing. It's not a big deal. Just ignore it, let her wear them if she wants, or put them in a box if she wants. People grieve in different ways. By the grace of God we (you and I) will never understand the loss of a child.

by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 6:19 PM
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Throw them away! And I wouldnt encourage her to continue the relationship with her grandma especially if it makes her uncomfortable and gma is going things as unstable as she is.

by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 7:53 PM

I can only imagine what it must feel like to lose a child and can push it one step further and figure that I probably wouldn't handle it perfectly.

I think Gma is wrong here.  Handing a kid your parent's lingerie is not "normal".  But it sounds like maybe Gma is just doling out little pieces in hopes of keeping her daughter "alive".

I say box it up.  And have a convo with SD that while she may be uncomfortable, it's because Gma is mourning and it's just plain hard but everyone deals differently.

I wouldn't make a big deal over it.

by Platinum Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 7:56 PM
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As SM (even if you are 'mom'), I wouldn't say anything to GMa.  I'd imagine that'd hurt her if you said something.  It's nothing against 'you', per se, but it sounds like this woman hasn't dealt with her DDs passing in a healthy way yet.  If you're close enough to BMs other family members for them to call you 'mom' as well, perhaps you or DH could mention this to some of her family and see if they've also noticed that she's not dealing with the death well, and perhaps they can encourage her to speak to her doctor about it or have her evaluated. 

If something is said to GMa, it should come from DH, not you, unless you and GMa have an especially close relationship already. 

Sharing of the underwear is just wrong, whether BM had passed on or not.  Making the 10yo wear her late mothers clothing seems especially cruel to your SD too. :( Perhaps in GMas grief she's not realize what she's asking of her GD?  It'd be a bit different if SD had asked to wear something of her moms but to insist isn't healthy, for either of them. 

Is there any way the relationship could be encouraged still but with more direct supervision from you or DH (or another family member that wouldn't allow GMa to force the clothing and undergarments on SD)?  If not, it might be wise to curtail the visits for a time and allow GMa to grieve in peace.  If Michael looks much like her mother, this could be causing some issues GMa hasn't realized on her own. 

I'm so sorry for the loss in the family.  :( 

by Platinum Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 8:48 PM
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You shouldn't say anything but your dh should. Any undergarments is not hand me down material (even in death) im sure the mom has more important things to pass down. Undergarments should hold zero value as to the grandma and daughter hopefully never even saw her in them. Those are not items to remember someone by. It is highly inappropriate to hand a child used underwear, especially sexy ones.
by Platinum Member on Aug. 12, 2014 at 8:51 PM
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DH should be the one to address this. I wouldn't make SD wear anything she didn't feel comfortable in. As far as visits, it's obviously not a healthy visit for a child. Let DH address that as well.
by on Aug. 12, 2014 at 8:51 PM
Thank you all for your opinions! It is very much appreciated. My hubby thinks it's disturbing and gross that gma is trying to get SD to wear the underwear, especially when BM bought them when they were still married. He told SD that it was up to her what to do with them but I know she is conflicted. Unfortunately, DH doesn't have a positive relationship with gma. When he and BM got divorced, Gma was very mean and then later tried to keep SD away from him since BM was too sick to make decisions. They lived 2 hours away from DH since BM lived with gma when she was sick. They've had words a few times since I've been with him. I will just let it be. We've told SD that she can see gma anytime she wants and if it becomes longer than normal, we'll try encouraging her more to go visit gma.
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