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They're Not my Kids!!!

Posted by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:21 AM
  • 35 Replies
That's what I told DH, on Sunday as we were arguing.
We argue at lot, about the children. BM, got SD a cell phone, discovered SD was texting BM, sending pics and vids of our whereabouts...SD is 8. I told DH, I didn't want the phone in my home anymore. BM said she wants the phone to come over, so the phone comes over... SS(7) is a bed wetter...I want the bed wetting to end. I told DH, not to give him anything to drink after 6:30...DH still gives SS drinks late...SS wets the bed EVERY NIGHT...

I left went to my sisters...DH, says I need to come home, the kids haven't seen me on days...my response is why? They're not my kids! I don't have a say in what they do in my own home...I'm so frustrated...help
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:21 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:29 AM
1 mom liked this

Well first, you probably need to hear that you're not alone. It's tough.  Being a SM can be really hard.

Next, you'll hate it, but you have a DH issue, not a kid one. 

Your DH can make rules and do things in your home to make you feel more comfortable.  I'd suggest counseling for you two. 

And FWIW, bedwetting especially with boys can go far into the tween years.  So even if you guys withheld fluids, he might stil have an issue. But your DH should be dealing...not you.  But please don't make a big deal about it for your skid.  He can't help it.  My own brother had to have devices in play in an intact home and we were militant!  But it just took time.

You and DH need to work it out.  But this isn't really a kid issue.  If you were feeling good about your sitch, you wouln't be upset at all.  It would just be kid stuff.  So talk.

screwedoverSM
by Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 1:24 AM
1 mom liked this
DH is the problem here. He isn't working with you yet expecting you to be a contributing step parent in the house. It can't go his way, you two have to be united and value each other's opinions. He is NOT valuing your opinion by not withholding liquids from the SS past 6:30 like you suggested, but I hope you aren't cleaning it up every day right?? If you are, then that's probably why. This hasn't inconvenienced him enough to step up and parent. If he had to clean up the pee every day I guarantee you he'd be like "I don't think so jimmy! No water for you!" ;)

I know what you are going through with the phone. Going through it too as you may have seen in another post. Check it out because you might find good advice. Gosh my sd once sent a video and in the background in my room I was in my tank top and underwear. Sent to her mom. Mortified. I don't want it here either but "BM pays for it" we're still working out the bugs...

Anyways, you are right, they aren't your kids and DH needs to parent them more. You need to communicate that there are things that you simply won't put up with and that he needs to fix it if he wants to have a happy marriage.

Just be honest. Things really changed when my DH and I began counseling And I had a 3rd party backing me up. He needed 2 people to tell him the things I'm saying are actually valid. Counseling!
Bubbles2014
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 4:05 AM
1 mom liked this
Its a DH issue.

As far as the bedwetting goes, I UNDERSTAND. SS8is, still in pullups, and plastic overpants, has no fluids after 5 pm, pees at bedtime and gets, woken up several hours later....still soaks that pullup and sometimes the sheet.

He is responsible for rinsing his stuff out and stripping the bed. This is his issue and he takes what responsibility he can.

He also pees himself during the day if he refuses to stop playing, or waits too long. So he is reminded every hour. A pain and just plain gross, but whatever.
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tiafez
by Silver Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:55 AM
1 mom liked this

unfortunately these are things DH has to spearhead. He is the Captain of this ship, you are the first mate. Without him you're sunk. 

Take a step away and get a few minutess to rebalance. 

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 3:02 PM

 tell their dad to handle those things. that you arent.

CaptNumo9
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 3:26 PM
1 mom liked this

Step parenting can be tough. I am so sorry you are struggling. It does sound like maybe counseling would be helpful, expecially to help your DH hear what you are saying. Setting up boundaries, establishing protocol, etc. Do you feel that you could establish rules in your home, for the very reason it is your home? The cell phone stays off, SS changes and washes his own sheets, or DH changes the sheets. I have not changed sheets for my children since they were that age. You have recognized that you have reached some limit, that is a good thing, now you can proceed with getting help and change. If you would like to talk to a licensed counselor for free, please call 1-800-A-Family. The counselors at Focus on the Family have a lot to say about how to proceed. Also, here is a great article: http://bit.ly/1sW8LKe. Hugs mama!

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 3:38 PM

Your DH needs a kick in the gonads.  For reals.

You two are NOT on the same page and he'd rather do things the easy way than deal with the consequences of putting his foot down. 

bottomline
by Silver Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 3:54 PM

 ^^^^ They have all said it.  DH and you need to get on the same page.  Bed wetting is more prevalent in boys and can last for years. My GF's son wet the bed every night despite a very rigid routine or no liquids, using the bathroom before bed, setting alarms to get up and use the bathroom during the night....still wet the bed.  He didn't spend the night at a friends house until he was 14 due to his bed wetting.  Her other 2 never wet the bed once they were out of diapers. Every kid is different.

Have DH clean up the sheets, heck even have SS help.  But don't make it a huge issue for SS, his bladder is not maturing and he can't control that.  The important thing is for you and DH to work together not against each other. Good luck.

KnowItAll
by Silver Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 5:53 PM

I think denying drinks at night is the wrong way to handle it.  Let him wear a pull-up until he outgrows the issue. 

And cell phones are just a fact of life these days.  Get used to it. 

Happily Married | BM to DD15  DD15  DD13 | Mom to DS8 & DS5 | CP | Not a SM

DDDaysh
by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 12:01 AM
5 moms liked this
FYI denying drinks to bedwetters is cruel and almost always counter productive. It merely concentrates urine which irritates the bladder, can actually exacerbate bedwetting, makes things smell WORSE, causes rashes, and can even damage kidneys. Stick the kid in a pull-up and be done with it.

For someone claiming these aren't her kids, you sure have alot of opinions in their well-being.
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