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SS wants me to volunteer at school

Posted by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 11:44 AM
  • 30 Replies
As SM, would you?
We went to his school to pick up a form we needed, and on the way home he asked if I would volunteer and go on a few field trips with him as long as his mom didn't go. He also asked if I would do PTO. I told him I'd have to talk to his dad and see.
I feel a little uncomfortable just because I don't want to deal with BM being mad about that, but also don't want to disappoint SS.
How would you handle it?
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 11:44 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:21 PM
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That seems odd that a kid would ask you to do PTO.  Most kids don't even know what that is and even if they do, don't care. 

As far as field trips, here's my experience.  Your mileage may vary. 

1) Kid brings home slip about needing volunteers for field trip.

2) BM says she can't go, offers it up to DH.

3) Dad and SM (me) sign up because DH and kids ask me to go.  We take time off work and such.

4) BM decides she CAN go and doesn't want me to go.

5) I bail on it.

6) BM no shows for the field trip.  She simply didn't want me to go.

I really think it's best to leave the field trips to the parents. 

"I'd love to go but I think that your parents should have the opportunity to sign up honey."

That's my line now.

MBanks524
by Silver Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:23 PM
1 mom liked this
I would
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:25 PM
1 mom liked this

SS will get over it. If his mother is involved and has made it clear that she doesn't want you involved, then don't get involved. This is a no brainer.

Smith1216
by Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:25 PM

Sorry, I don't know your situation.  The truth is, I think it all depends on how high conflict your BM is!

kss12
by Bronze Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:28 PM
She's high conflict but it varies. Once she got angry that I picked SS up from her family gathering on thanksgiving because DH was sick. Another time I dropped SS off at her house for Christmas dinner with her family and she didn't care. I don't know what the difference between the two was, it depends on her mood. She's a little bipolar

Quoting Smith1216:

Sorry, I don't know your situation.  The truth is, I think it all depends on how high conflict your BM is!

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:30 PM

I wouldn't do it.  I think it's just a way to borrow trouble.  Even if you're doing it with good intentions, it probably won't be received that way and anything you can do to minimize conflict for your SS is probably wise.


kss12
by Bronze Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:31 PM
Yeah. I'm not sure I feel comfortable.

Quoting Birdseed:

I wouldn't do it.  I think it's just a way to borrow trouble.  Even if you're doing it with good intentions, it probably won't be received that way and anything you can do to minimize conflict for your SS is probably wise.

Smith1216
by Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:43 PM

That sucks for the poor kid!  

Then, you have three options.  You can talk to his mom and tell her that it's something you'd like to do (keep it all about you, though, don't mention that the kid mentioned it, since she is high conflict).  You can talk to his teacher and tell her that you are happy to voulunteer, if his mom has already opted out.  Finally you can tell the kid no, and either explain that you don't want to step on his mom's toes, or tell him that it's something a biological parent does for their kid.

Quoting kss12: She's high conflict but it varies. Once she got angry that I picked SS up from her family gathering on thanksgiving because DH was sick. Another time I dropped SS off at her house for Christmas dinner with her family and she didn't care. I don't know what the difference between the two was, it depends on her mood. She's a little bipolar
Quoting Smith1216:

Sorry, I don't know your situation.  The truth is, I think it all depends on how high conflict your BM is!


codysara
by Silver Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:57 PM
3 moms liked this
It all depends on whose parenting time IMO. If ss asked me and I had nothing else to do I would. Im not here to make bm happy and im not going to treat ss like a leper. He sees me go on all the field trips with my BK's. BM has never gone to his so I dont think it would be overstepping. As in not something I am taking away from her.
bottomline
by Silver Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 12:59 PM

 When DH was NCP, I didn't do those things for SS's. When I became CSM, that changed.  The school we enrolled the kids in was very proactive with blended families.  They did NOT, however, tolerate blended family drama.  They realized that every blended situation is different and held the responsible party accountable.  Since bm was non existent with her kids, they discussed her role at school functions.  They also discussed Dh's and my roles at school functions.  If we couldn't act like adults, the person acting a fool, was dealt with accordingly.

The school didn't view it as a family problem, more a person problem.  They knew the majority of their school population came from blended families, so they developed rules and followed through on them.  The times bm was removed from the boys' schools by police escort, neither DH nor I were involved. We weren't there, didn't say a word, never had an interaction. She did it all on her own, and she was good at it. 

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