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Help!

Posted by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 2:25 PM
  • 6 Replies

New to this site. I'm a soon to be step mom with a lot of "second wife problems". I've been with my guy for 4 years now, and he has two children. A 20 year old and an 11 year old. Both boys. Thank god.
The 20 year old has his own life and is remotely involved in our lives. The 11 year old, is with us every weds and every other weekend.
When we have him, I find myself incrediably frustrated because I can see the games he plays to try to pit us against each other, and my fiance sees him through rose colored glasses.
Nothing he does is every wrong. He never lies, or doesn't listen. He never steals candies or cookies, or feeds the dogs his veggies when no one is looking.  You know, he's not like every other child in the world.
I mean, it can be the smallest thing, too and my fiance instantly goes into his defensive mode and suddely I'm the evil step mother who hates her step son.
Which, is so not the case. Kid's a good egg. Sweet, great sense of humor...just..he's a kid...and kid's are just mini people, ergo not perfect and sometimes need to be told when something they're doing isn't quite right.
Example.....the dogs sleep in my SS room when he is here. He knows that as soon as he wakes up, the dogs have to go outside or they'll have an accident on the floor or in the crate.
This morning, he decided he wanted to wake up and watch tv, instead of taking them out.
My fiance goes, "*NAME* just texted me and said Baxter pooped on the floor." I asked if he took them out, and said he assumed no.
I simply mentioned that this is why we tell him time and time again that the dogs need to go out immediately.
And my fiance was instantly on the defensive. "Well, maybe he just woke up. Maybe the dog did it while he was sleeping." Maybe this and maybe that, full of excuses, when the fact of the matter is, the dog doesn't have accidents in the middle of the night and I know for a fact he got up and watched tv before this happened because I heard the darn thing on!
And, it's not like he wouldn't see the darn dog squatting over to do his business.
Yet, suddenly, now, I'm this evil person who always thinks the worst of him.
All I was trying to say was that is it possible he was just trying to have a lazy morning and thought the dogs didn't need to be taken out?
I was just suggesting that maybe he talks to him to explain that THIS is why we say the dogs need to go out immediately. Nothing major at all, yet, suddenly, now I'm the bad guy.
And then it snowballed into a huge arguement in my house and me wanting to run as far away from this family as possible, if this is how it's always going to be.
Every time I try to have a discussion with my fiance, he gets so incrediably defensive and it turns into an argument, when really, I'm just looking for some support from the person who is supposed to be my life partner.
We're right our vows for our ceremony and honestly....I feel like I can't add the whole "forsake all others" because it would be a lie in his case.
His kids always come first.
Which, is fine...I can share the limelight, but at least give me some sort of credit as a co-parenting step mother.

I'm starting to get to the point where I resent my younger step son and it makes me feel like I'm a vile person.
He's a good kid. Really. He's just like every other kid in the sense that he's not perfect.
How do I get my fiance to understand that I'm not trying to be judgemental when it comes to his son, or his parenting style, really I'm not.
I just want to know that when I have an opinion, I won't be treated as though I'm this evil person bent on convincing him his kid is terrible, because that's not how I feel, but that's how he takes it.





It's really costing us our relationship.
I'm not sure where I'm supposed to voice these things on this site.....because I'm new and all, so please advise.
Anywho....I hope you all don't think I'm awful. I'm really not a terrible person.
I just...don't know what I'm doing and don't know how to make things smoother in the home. Any help is supremely appreciated.

by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 2:25 PM
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Replies (1-6):
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 2:31 PM
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 i would try to have a rational discussion with him. let the small things go (feeding veggies to dog, eating cookies) tell SO that if he doesnt want you to have input that is fine but he will be soley responsible for correcting his kid and cleaning ALL his messes including the dog poo.

oldproatthis
by Gold Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 2:37 PM
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Learn the laugh and retreat method...anyone will get defensive when it comes to blame...what will stop or correct behavior is when they get sick of having to deal with messes...so, for example with the dog poo...

I would have chuckled and said..."tag, you're it, you and SS have fun handling that mess, I'm out". Dump it in DHs lap...this happens a few times that he or SS have to clean it, they will find a way to stop the problem and you will never have been the bad guy...

cdrainey3
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 2:44 PM
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Don't let it get to you so much. If your fiancé is going to be butt hurt over your questions or ideas, then don't give him any. When he says the dog pooped in the house, say ok clean it up. I mean is it REALLY that big of a deal? Just have your df be responsible for cleaning up the messes. Kids that age are not very responsible and have to be reminded quite often. Especially if he's only there eowe.
2ndwifeproblems
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 2:45 PM

Thanks, all f you. I'm just exhausted with being the only one in my SS life who sets rules, or boundaries. Both the bio parents suffer from divorced parent guilt, so there's no structure at all.
I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes trying to maintain some sort of structure in our home.
I'm not very religious but my parents keep telling me, "Let go and let God". Well...that's all fine and dandy, but I get scared when I think that this may be how it will be when we have our own children.


Although, I will say, for a kid with no structure and very lacidasical parenting.....he really isn't a bad kid.
It's just frustrating to the point of tears trying to be the only one who sets any sort of boundaries! And he's not even my kid! (Is it wrong to say that?)
I worry, too, how having a child parented like that will affect my own children and the way they are raised.
Example: "Well, my SB doesn't have a bedtime. Why should I?" "Well, SB can stay home from school, even though he isn't sick, why can't I?" "Well, it's okay for SB to fail math because he'd rather watch tv, why can't I?"
Should I just leave the parenting to his bio parents and just pray for the best in regards to my own?
Does having different types of parenting styles in a blended family ever work?

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 3:17 PM
1 mom liked this

I came in with a 16 year old SS and my DD14. Same as you, SS didn't do anything wrong.... because he didn't do anything! DH put his dishes in the dishwasher, cleaned his room, did his laundry, cooked his meals, etc. He had to make SS get his driver's license even, SS is really odd introverted personality though. He used all the hot water twice a day with 20 minute showers and left the bathroom wet and clothes in the floor. (We moved into DH's house and I decided SS and DH could continue things the way they were used too, and I would work around it.) DH didn't care about the showers, he loves long ones too and SS always took them at different times than DH so DH didn't realize the hot water being used.

Anyway, I stepped on SS's clothes in the bathroom floor and left them there. I left his dishes next to the dishwasher and put the other things in it I used. I never went in his room. Basically, I rarely complained about anything he did (except the hot water!) I just left it to where DH could see I wasn't going to try to discipline or enable SS. He was DH's responsibility before we got married and would continue to be so after. DH picked up after him until he asked him to do it himself. Last week DD who is 17 now, asked me to please tell DH that SS now 20, was using her towel after his showers, GROSS! Why did he not reach for another one? Who knows! DH just shook his head so I told DD to start getting a new towel each time she showered. My DH thinks because SS is quiet and keeps to himself that nothing else should be corrected and these little things that add up to me and DD are picking on him. You're not alone, you just have to decide if you want to find a strategy you can cope with or let it eat at your relationship. I made it through high school, and now that SS is starting second year of college he hasn't improved one bit on his room and habits, but he is here much less.

pepper504
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 3:28 PM
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Quoting 2ndwifeproblems:

Thanks, all f you. I'm just exhausted with being the only one in my SS life who sets rules, or boundaries. Both the bio parents suffer from divorced parent guilt, so there's no structure at all. I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes trying to maintain some sort of structure in our home. I'm not very religious but my parents keep telling me, "Let go and let God". Well...that's all fine and dandy, but I get scared when I think that this may be how it will be when we have our own children. Although, I will say, for a kid with no structure and very lacidasical parenting.....he really isn't a bad kid. It's just frustrating to the point of tears trying to be the only one who sets any sort of boundaries! And he's not even my kid! (Is it wrong to say that?) I worry, too, how having a child parented like that will affect my own children and the way they are raised. Example: "Well, my SB doesn't have a bedtime. Why should I?" "Well, SB can stay home from school, even though he isn't sick, why can't I?" "Well, it's okay for SB to fail math because he'd rather watch tv, why can't I?" Should I just leave the parenting to his bio parents and just pray for the best in regards to my own? Does having different types of parenting styles in a blended family ever work?

When you have the visitation that your DH does with his child, yes, it can work.  I've been with DH for 10.5 years.  DD17 was 7 and SS15 was 5.  DD never thought it was fair and I used it to my advantage and life isn't always fair either. 

Let DH parent his child and just worry about your own child. 

Hugs.

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