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How do you allocate blame?

Posted by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 6:16 PM
  • 25 Replies

How do you allocate blame when the child is failing and/or having troubles? Is the parent with primary care and control the one who is primarily to blame? or is it equal or it doesn't matter?

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 6:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
KWIM
by Silver Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 6:22 PM
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If both parents are active and involved, they are both at fault. Something slipped through the cracks somewhere. Placing blame just takes time away from actually fixing the problem and it really does no good to begin with.
cdrainey3
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 6:22 PM
It depends. In my sitch, my dh has asked bm to allow him more time with ss so that he can help with school and what not and bm refuses. She tries to pull shit all the time so that ss isn't at our home as much as he should be. My dh has gotten into multiple arguments with bm over social media and how damaging it is to ss, but she refuses to acknowledge that. So yes, in my situation, if ss fails, knocks up a girl or ends up in jail, it is bms fault.

That's my opinion from my situation. Can't speak for anyone else's sitch.
Tillymommie
by Gold Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 6:29 PM

I think both parents have a hand in it all. My X is very involved and is a NCP. He communicates with me and the teachers, so he can work on things at his home as well. I realize though some NCP live long distance and/or only get a few days a month, but they can still find ways to help.

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 6:39 PM

depends on the situation....there were times SD was having issues because of things going on in BM's house....DH asked for more time-BM refused....its tricky because 1)He's not her biological father 2)there's no CO....BM actually threatened to press charges against DH if he kept pushing for more time with SD....SD did NOT get better....in that case-that's all on BM.

With SS-he has both parents involved in his life-he spends time with both....he's cocky/mouthy/entitled attitude etc....I blame both parents because the child isn't improving in his behavior...and I will say this-BOTH parents are trying to control the behavior...not sure what BM is doing-but Dad is staying on SS about the bad behavior.

Every situation is different.

soonergirl980
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 7:03 PM

I think generally there isn't really a place for blaming in that situation. The focus should be on helping the kid get what they need to pass. Placing blame IMO is not helpful to that cause.

***Briterican***


MBanks524
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 7:17 PM
No blame. Kids need to be priority and getting behavior under control
packermom4ever
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 7:43 PM
1 mom liked this

The kid, depending on the age. 

Their accomplishments are their own and their failings are as well. Personal responsibility and all that jazz.

Birdseed
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:24 PM

With two highschool aged teens, I'd say it's on the kiddo.  Sorry charlie but at some point it's really on you. In our case both Mom and Dad are doing just fine as parents so if the kids screw up, it's on them.  When they were younger it was a lot easier to want to blame whichever parent they were with at the time but now? No, it's not BM's fault if SD14 doesn't turn her work in.  That's on her.

codysara
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:30 PM
Its always packermoms fault! Jk...;)
kss12
by Silver Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:35 PM
I will probably get bashed for saying it but depending on the age of the child, they're to blame. Two years ago both DH and BM, MIL and I were helping SS with school (I know this isn't the only thing you're talking about but it's the only one I can really relate with allocating blame), and he was just not doing well. Come to find out because of the choices he was making while IN school, he was doing poorly, no one was to blame but himself.
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