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Not a SM issue, but wondering what you ladies think?

Posted by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 7:14 PM
  • 31 Replies

SO and I have known each other for 20+ years, been in each other's children's lives from day one and all that jazz....so here's what I am wondering.

SO has brought up us getting married, I told him that if he's serious about proposing then he needs to talk to my daughter who's 16 and my mom. He talked to my daughter and her response was "ulitmately it's up to you guys since you're adults, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'll think about it and let you know." So when he and I were talking about it with a friend of ours I said AGAIN....that I won't marry anyone unless my daughter is okay with it and comfortable with it. I don't care if I'm 75 and on my death bed. Mind you this isn't the first time I've told him this.

He got upset with me and angrily says "I guess I know where we stand then." I told him it would be like us deciding against his 2 kids wishes and them not being okay with it. I honestly don't know how his kids, 5 & 8, feel about us getting married, I haven't asked them and I don't think he has either.

I personally want ALL 3 of the kids to be okay with it and comfortable with it, am I wrong here? I mean I didn't get married the first time with the thought that I'd ever get divorced, but I certainly don't want to get married a second time and end up that way too.

by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 7:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Ol--Akasha--lO
by Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:05 PM
1 mom liked this
Don't get married. YOU aren't ready. No matter what anyone says or whoever "gives permission". Your daughter is right. Your an adult and can decide for yourself. It does sound like you don't want to and are trying to pass the blame to someone else for saying no
Lauren79
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:11 PM

There are several other reasons why I won't get married right away and they have nothing to do with my daughter or how she feels about SO. She loves him and has her entire life. 

I just want to make sure ALL 3 of the kids are okay and good with it regardless of me being an adult. I can and will say no if I don't feel it's right. He hasn't asked I was just asking for other perspectives.

Thank you for yours. 

Quoting Ol--Akasha--lO: Don't get married. YOU aren't ready. No matter what anyone says or whoever "gives permission". Your daughter is right. Your an adult and can decide for yourself. It does sound like you don't want to and are trying to pass the blame to someone else for saying no

 

sara82lee
by Bronze Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:30 PM
2 moms liked this
If you don't want to get married, don't make the decision based on what your daughter wants. It's your life, not hers.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:41 PM
2 moms liked this

Honestly, I don't think it's fair to put this on the kids and I don't think it's very fair to your SO to make your future based on your kids/family.

You're an adult.  Independent adult, right?

Why can't you make a decision whether or not to get married all by yourself?


jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 10:04 PM
2 moms liked this

I'm a BM, I'm not a SM.  I'm not even dating anyone serious enough to tell my kids we're dating (I'm actually seeing someone they know, but they haven't a clue we're more than just the friends we've been for many years now, and for a variety of reasons we're ok with it that way for the time being). 

However, I think it's wrong to say 'I don't care if I'm 75 and on my death bed' you'll want your DDs approval.  That speaks of immaturity IMO.  At 16, to be handed the power you've given this child to decide if it's ok if you marry SO or not is irresponsible.  She could be thinking "what if I say yes then change my mind?" "what if I say no then change my mind?" "why can't mom decide something like this?" "why is this on MY shoulders when I'm 16 and MY OWN relationships/marriage are on my mind, I shouldn't have to worry about moms relationships?" or anything along these lines. 

I'd have no problem asking my boys, at 12 and 16 now, for their thoughts if things were to suddenly change, and I told them I was seeing SO.  I'd take their thoughts and concerns (or excitement) into consideration, but to ask their permission?  Nope.  If they said 'well, mom, he's a nice guy and all but I can't stand the way he chews his food', that's something they can ignore as in a few short years, they'll move on with their own lives.  If they said 'mom, I know you like him, but he creeps me out, and I've caught him looking at me funny.. I just don't get a good feeling about this guy.", I'd take THAT into deep consideration and look at SO in a new light.  But, I'd never ask them for their permission to marry someone I loved.  I'd expect the same courtesy from my kids when they choose a partner, eventually (a LONG time from now please! LOL). 

This said, your DD is 16, she'll be out of the house in another 2 - 3 years (off to college, and beyond, hopefully).  Once the kids are adults, grown, on their own, or working towards that... their opinions would matter less and less to me (unless there was some horrible reason they didn't like someone I was dating, but, I'd HOPE these things would come to light long before we got to the 'will you marry me' time). 

Just my opinion.  :) 

Lauren79
by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 12:21 PM

Maybe permission was the wrong word....because yes I am an adult and NO I'm not rushing in to get married any time soon for a variety of other reasons, all of which SO knows about. 

But yes I would like ALL 3 kids to be okay with the decision ultimately if it comes to that. I have no problem saying NO if I don't feel it's right, and as I said in either the post or an earlier response he hasn't asked, so right now it's not an issue. 

I figured since she's known SO her entire life and our families have always been close, so it's not like I started dating him and then she met him, she knew him for 14 years before any of that came about. She loves him and always has. 

If I'm wrong I'm wrong, god knows I haven't always been a perfect mother, but I didn't think it was a bad thing to talk to her about and get her feelings on.  

Quoting jules2boys:

I'm a BM, I'm not a SM.  I'm not even dating anyone serious enough to tell my kids we're dating (I'm actually seeing someone they know, but they haven't a clue we're more than just the friends we've been for many years now, and for a variety of reasons we're ok with it that way for the time being). 

However, I think it's wrong to say 'I don't care if I'm 75 and on my death bed' you'll want your DDs approval.  That speaks of immaturity IMO.  At 16, to be handed the power you've given this child to decide if it's ok if you marry SO or not is irresponsible.  She could be thinking "what if I say yes then change my mind?" "what if I say no then change my mind?" "why can't mom decide something like this?" "why is this on MY shoulders when I'm 16 and MY OWN relationships/marriage are on my mind, I shouldn't have to worry about moms relationships?" or anything along these lines. 

I'd have no problem asking my boys, at 12 and 16 now, for their thoughts if things were to suddenly change, and I told them I was seeing SO.  I'd take their thoughts and concerns (or excitement) into consideration, but to ask their permission?  Nope.  If they said 'well, mom, he's a nice guy and all but I can't stand the way he chews his food', that's something they can ignore as in a few short years, they'll move on with their own lives.  If they said 'mom, I know you like him, but he creeps me out, and I've caught him looking at me funny.. I just don't get a good feeling about this guy.", I'd take THAT into deep consideration and look at SO in a new light.  But, I'd never ask them for their permission to marry someone I loved.  I'd expect the same courtesy from my kids when they choose a partner, eventually (a LONG time from now please! LOL). 

This said, your DD is 16, she'll be out of the house in another 2 - 3 years (off to college, and beyond, hopefully).  Once the kids are adults, grown, on their own, or working towards that... their opinions would matter less and less to me (unless there was some horrible reason they didn't like someone I was dating, but, I'd HOPE these things would come to light long before we got to the 'will you marry me' time). 

Just my opinion.  :) 

 

Lauren79
by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 12:23 PM

I'm not getting married any time soon, it's been talked about, but he hasn't come out and asked, and right now he knows that I won't get married for a variety of other reasons that have nothing to do with our children.

I have no issue saying NO and telling him exactly why. I've never been anything but honest with him since we were kids, that's not going to change now.

I'm not a perfect mom, I've made my fair share of mistakes, but I didn't think it was a bad thing to talk to my daughter and see how she would feel about it. Permission was not the right word to use.  

Quoting sara82lee: If you don't want to get married, don't make the decision based on what your daughter wants. It's your life, not hers.

 

Lauren79
by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 12:25 PM

I never said I couldn't, just didn't think it was wrong to talk to her and get her feelings on it. Permission was the wrong word to use.  

Quoting Birdseed:

Honestly, I don't think it's fair to put this on the kids and I don't think it's very fair to your SO to make your future based on your kids/family.

You're an adult.  Independent adult, right?

Why can't you make a decision whether or not to get married all by yourself?

 

 

tiafez
by Silver Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 12:29 PM

what if she decides she's 100% for it? 

Rocker.Mom.07
by The Savior on Aug. 14, 2014 at 12:31 PM
1 mom liked this

That's, honestly, weird to me. I can understand talking to the kids and seeing how they feel but if I love a man, want to marry him...I will. Children don't have the life experiences or have felt adult feelings to make those life decisions for their parents...even 16 year olds. I can understand your boyfriend's disappointment.

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