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WHEN ONLY HIS CHILD IS ACKNOWLEDGED

Posted by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 11:14 PM
  • 27 Replies
This split family stuff is challenging enough. Then add a dh that is "only" consumed with his child.

Even though I have made an effort to bond and be involved with my SS since he was in diapers to now (he's 9), my dh has never made the same effort for my girls.
I wanted to be close to my SS not only because he is a human being and we all want to be cared for but because I love my dh and this is his child!i wish he felt the same for me and my children!

It breaks my heart!

My girls are older but, need love too! Their Dad died in their preteens and had no father figure to love and care for them or go through lifes milestones.

I know this "bonding" takes time but, he never went out of his way to get close to them. When we moved in together, one daughter was still home, the other starting college. When we were under the same roof, he did try alittle with my youngest...but it was convient.

Now they are both young adults living on their own. My dh never asks how they are or says lets go visit them or calls them on the phone to say hello. Its very sad.

I am very close to my ss. But its not just about him. My ss is like an only child in our family. He is the only focus. I always try to include my ss. He is important to me as well. But so are my girls.

This really affects me and my marriage.
Its almost as if they don't exsist.

I feel bad because they may see me as having this new family replacing them. I know i must make them a priority on my own. No father for them, not even a Step Dad!

It breaks my heart. ❤
by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 11:14 PM
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Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 11:18 PM
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I think your girls were at an age when bonding is very unlikely in a step situation.

sunnyside-up
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 7:56 AM
Thanks for your reply. I wasn't "bonded" with his child in the beginning nor did I imagine having a young child in my life again but i at least showed a interest out curtiousy to his child because i loved my now dh.i expected the same.

Just because i don't feel the same bio bond as he does to his child does not mean i would just ignore him or pretend he doesn't exsist. There is no excuse for that no matter the age.

Also how can you get close to someone at all if you make never to see them or talk to them? That is the problem not their age.

I do NOT agree at all that they were too old to get close to. They always liked him and would have been open to a relationship with him. He never tried.

It is very selfish of him to not have enough respect for me to not at least "try" to be part of their lives. Matter of fact its down right disgusting!



Quoting leegirl_jm:

I think your girls were at an age when bonding is very unlikely in a step situation.

tiafez
by Platinum Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 8:05 AM

thisis a silly question I'm sure but have you actually told him this. Word for word. 

sunnyside-up
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 8:42 AM
No its never a silly question and thanks for being there!

I have said many times " i wish you'd be in their lives more " or "it can't be about just your son"...

I think he hears it and sweeps it under the rug for another day." later, don't want to deal with it " type of thing.

And I think I did the same thing, tolerating it or not realizing how bad it was. I think I've kept it deep inside and ignoring his behavior many times. Not realizing this has turned into huge resentment.

I feel like this has all just surfaced and it NEEDS to be dealt with before it gets worse and I'd want to leave.

He needs to know what he's doing ( or not doing) and its affecting me and ruining our marriage.
tottaxi
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 8:54 AM
3 moms liked this

I was seven when my mom married my stepdad.  He did things like coach my softball team, but I can't say that we ever really bonded.  No hugs.  No long talks. 

Things did improve after I became an adult and we became closer.  He adopted me when I was 21.  This was mostly to insure that if mom were to predecease him that I would be his legal heir.  He has always been there for me when I needed him...mostly for car and home repairs.  I can't say that there is much affection, but I do know that he is there to help me and supports my mom's efforts to have my back in every way.

The biggest effort came when I gave birth to my DS.  He loves my DS with all his heart and DS is probably the most important person on the planet in his eyes.  That makes up for whatever was lacking in my relationship.

So maybe things aren't exactly as you would hope, but there may come a time when he does step up in your girls' lives in other ways.

 

momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 9:04 AM

As someone who had a SF come into the picture when I was 16 years old I can relate.  My dad was non-existant.  I honestly had no idea if he was dead or alive and it had been like that for years.  I did not bond with my SF until after I was married at the age of 25!  I don't really know what changed but it did and since then I know I can call up any time to chat.  Even now as he and my mom are seperated.  

My own son was in diapers when DH came into the picture and I think that it made an easier transition.  My son can't remember a time without DH in our lives now.  

Last thought is maybe your DH didn't want to tread on their dad's memory by being to much all at once?

sunnyside-up
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 9:24 AM
1 mom liked this
Thank you for sharing your story. It actually has made me cry! I hope your right.

That is my biggest fear that if something happens to me there will be no one for them. And just because they're young adults doesn't mean they don't need someone or don't need a father figure.

The girls lost their dad when they were 7 and 11 yrs old. That's many years without any type of father in their lives. It hurts to watch my dh hug and swing his son around ( i am suppose to laugh and be full of smiles) and he can't even ask "how are the girls?"!

I can't even be in the same room sometimes. If dh would have took responsibility and "tried" to get to more involved ( at least) in their lives, we would have none of this to deal with in our marriage!

Thanks again for sharing this. It at least gives me hope.

Quoting tottaxi:

I was seven when my mom married my stepdad.  He did things like coach my softball team, but I can't say that we ever really bonded.  No hugs.  No long talks. 


Things did improve after I became an adult and we became closer.  He adopted me when I was 21.  This was mostly to insure that if mom were to predecease him that I would be his legal heir.  He has always been there for me when I needed him...mostly for car and home repairs.  I can't say that there is much affection, but I do know that he is there to help me and supports my mom's efforts to have my back in every way.


The biggest effort came when I gave birth to my DS.  He loves my DS with all his heart and DS is probably the most important person on the planet in his eyes.  That makes up for whatever was lacking in my relationship.


So maybe things aren't exactly as you would hope, but there may come a time when he does step up in your girls' lives in other ways.


 

sunnyside-up
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 9:39 AM
Thank you momo! Yes, i hadn't thought of it that way but that is certianly partially possible.

The reason i know it has always been just about his son, even his mom and sister told me how selfish he can be!

I had a window that i could still have a child. We talked about it and he changed his mind and said " my son might get jealous and should be the focus ". I guess nothing else could take. "The focus " like his son.

My girls are now in their 20s and by now he needs to try.For me. He needs to let his son's big step sister's be a focus once in awhile too.

Im sorry to hear what you went through. Must of been tough and im sure still can be but im happy for you that your Step Dad is still there for you!

Yes I've been in my ss life since diapers so he knows no other way. I try my best and of course will always be there for him if he needs me.

But i would love for him too to feel more of an attachment to his big Sisters. Dh needs to help that happen.
Thank you!

Quoting momof2cuteboys:

As someone who had a SF come into the picture when I was 16 years old I can relate.  My dad was non-existant.  I honestly had no idea if he was dead or alive and it had been like that for years.  I did not bond with my SF until after I was married at the age of 25!  I don't really know what changed but it did and since then I know I can call up any time to chat.  Even now as he and my mom are seperated.  

My own son was in diapers when DH came into the picture and I think that it made an easier transition.  My son can't remember a time without DH in our lives now.  

Last thought is maybe your DH didn't want to tread on their dad's memory by being to much all at once?

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 9:44 AM
1 mom liked this

Perhaps, it is selfish to you but you married that selfish person, did he tell you he wanted to bond with your children before the marriage, did you state that expectation and he backed out?

I love my husband, I will always love him but I have no interest in bonding with his son with BM, and that was declared before the marriage and he accepted that, thankfully.

Quoting sunnyside-up: Thanks for your reply. I wasn't "bonded" with his child in the beginning nor did I imagine having a young child in my life again but i at least showed a interest out curtiousy to his child because i loved my now dh.i expected the same. Just because i don't feel the same bio bond as he does to his child does not mean i would just ignore him or pretend he doesn't exsist. There is no excuse for that no matter the age. Also how can you get close to someone at all if you make never to see them or talk to them? That is the problem not their age. I do NOT agree at all that they were too old to get close to. They always liked him and would have been open to a relationship with him. He never tried. It is very selfish of him to not have enough respect for me to not at least "try" to be part of their lives. Matter of fact its down right disgusting!
Quoting leegirl_jm:

I think your girls were at an age when bonding is very unlikely in a step situation.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

Sept-babies2
by Patriot's Fan on Aug. 14, 2014 at 9:47 AM
2 moms liked this
Let me just say this..because it may be how your dh is. I had a stepdad from the age 3 to well now sprt of..my dh works for him but my mom left him awhile ago. My dad died when I was 13 and my mom was neve there for me even living with my mom.

So anyways..my stepdad never sat down and had a heart to heart talk..never hugged me or no love yous or anything like that at all. He has a younger bio son too and its all about him and has been. I never took offense to that..he was going to adopt me too but something changed his mind..im thinking my mom leaving him is what did it.
I never felt like he didnt care..he did stuff for me and let me live with him for a few years after my mom left so I could stay in school there. He never showed he cared..but I knew.

So maybe your dh is like this..or maybe he doesnt know how to bond with them. Sit down and talk to him to tell him how you feel.
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