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Actions Speak Louder than Words... just not in blended families?

Posted by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 12:42 PM
  • 98 Replies

There are a lot of women who say they aren't out to take or detract from mom, that they don't want to take her place, that they don't cross boundaries, they are just living their lives. They say this with their words.

But ... if you throw in their actions  -  going to places they know will upset the parent (dr./school/etc), trying to communicate with mom and getting upset when she doesn't want to deal with SM, acting as an equal when it comes to "time" (OUR time so mom can't see/talk to the kid even if the parent whose time it actually is is not there), attempting to make rules that dictate communication with the parent, overriding her when it comes to things that only affect the kid...

Do those actions not show the opposite of the words that so many throw around? That they aren't trying to take over?  

I'm not talking house rules, once again, I don't care if you clean and cook and do laundry either. I mean things that have to do with the child/ren and/or mom only (communication being a big one).

I'm talking about if mom doesn't see the point in you showing up to ptconferences but you say you'll go where you want, or if you believe you have the right to go to appointments, any for the kid, that mom will be at just because dad says you should be there and you complain when mom nixes that (tells office not to talk to you, tells officials not to speak to you, etc)....

Do your actions, your insistence, speak louder than your words?

(This can apply to dad's and SFs, but they aren't here so it is angled at moms and SMs.) 

by on Aug. 14, 2014 at 12:42 PM
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Replies (1-10):
luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:07 PM
5 moms liked this
I'm not trying to detract from bm or take her place. I am just living my life.

My life does not include bm. It doesn't have to. I don't answer to her and I won't live my life being worried about offending her. If my dh wants me to go to something, I go (assuming I'm free). If ss wants me to hold his hand while he gets a filling, or watch him get an award, I do it. Bm doesn't like it? Sucks for her.

It's not about bm. It's about my relationship with my husband and my ss and dd and ds and our lives together.
Ol--Akasha--lO
by Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:10 PM
Funny you ask this. I am volunteering for a couple hours every Monday in my DDs class. Just so happens SS is also in this class. I'm waiting for BMs reaction. Especially because she works during school hours so she won't be volunteering (not that she would anyways).

She can suck it. I'll volunteer in my daughter's class if I want. She can put SS in another class if it bothers her.

Honestly, the only reason I can see for a BM to get pissed about a SP volunteering for school functions is guilt. It may come across that BM isn't as involved with her kid as other people are. For me, I wouldn't give a shit what other people think about my amount of involvement, they don't know my schedule, they don't know how or how much time I spend with my kids outside of school hours.
pepper504
by Gold Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:21 PM
1 mom liked this

Actions do speak louder than words.  I say that because I never reacted to BM's craziness and SS15 has noticed who the one with the problem is and it's not me. 

As a BM, I never let my ex realize that he was pushing some major buttons.  I let A LOT go and that worked in my favor. 

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 3:23 PM
3 moms liked this

I couldn't agree more...I can't stand people who are NEVER in my home...get a few minute snapshot of my interaction with my family and then decide they know us and how we operate...uggghhh...

That's why I truly say...I just leave BM the hell alone...because...I want her to leave me the hell alone...it's a mutual good place to start...and when I say leave her alone...I mean in a multitude of ways...she shows up to nothing so on the maybe once every two years she comes to something...I leave her the hell to it...I don't go...I never render an opinion on even the most stupid of parenting moves she makes...I just don't care...I'm too busy handling my own home and stumbles...I might in my mind say "well that was a stupid ass thing to do.' The kids will never know...I just move on...I leave her alone...seriously alone...don''t talk about her...don't go to the things she goes to...don't send things to her home...don't ask things of her...nothing...and when you don't give ammunition...well, you tend not to be a target...

Now I know the kids have gotten earfulls about me...but that's because they bring me up in her home...they know she is angry, they know I am a sore spot with her...they are also old enough to deal with the consequences of provoking her.

Quoting Ol--Akasha--lO: Funny you ask this. I am volunteering for a couple hours every Monday in my DDs class. Just so happens SS is also in this class. I'm waiting for BMs reaction. Especially because she works during school hours so she won't be volunteering (not that she would anyways). She can suck it. I'll volunteer in my daughter's class if I want. She can put SS in another class if it bothers her. Honestly, the only reason I can see for a BM to get pissed about a SP volunteering for school functions is guilt. It may come across that BM isn't as involved with her kid as other people are. For me, I wouldn't give a shit what other people think about my amount of involvement, they don't know my schedule, they don't know how or how much time I spend with my kids outside of school hours.

 

Ol--Akasha--lO
by Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:29 PM
1 mom liked this
For me, I don't really care what BM thinks of my parenting skills. Until she tries to use her lack of knowledge to take SS away from DH. Then, I will gladly let it be known that I am a good mother and DH is a wonderful father. Not to her though, I'll tell the people with authority how ignorant BM is.

I wouldn't have a problem with SM or any other adult volunteering in my kids' classes or helping with anything else I can't make it to, because I am secure enough in my role as mother to my children. If someone such as another parent or a teacher wants to assume I am not involved in my kids' lives, so be it. It won't change the way I do things, because it is working for my family. I have to choose between attending school functions and occasional doc appointments or working to keep the electricity on. My kid gets both, the appointment or acitivity and hot food and lights. I sleep easy at night because I know the people I have chosen to help are on the same page because I took the time to communicate with them instead of getting into a power struggle.

Quoting oldproatthis:

I couldn't agree more...I can't stand people who are NEVER in my home...get a few minute snapshot of my interaction with my family and then decide they know us and how we operate...uggghhh...


That's why I truly say...I just leave BM the hell alone...because...I want her to leave me the hell alone...it's a mutual good place to start...and when I say leave her alone...I mean in a multitude of ways...she shows up to nothing so on the maybe once every two years she comes to something...I leave her the hell to it...I don't go...I never render an opinion on even the most stupid of parenting moves she makes...I just don't care...I'm too busy handling my own home and stumbles...I might in my mind say "well that was a stupid ass thing to do.' The kids will never know...I just move on...I leave her alone...seriously alone...don''t talk about her...don't go to the things she goes to...don't send things to her home...don't ask things of her...nothing...and when you don't give ammunition...well, you tend not to be a target...


Now I know the kids have gotten earfulls about me...but that's because they bring me up in her home...they know she is angry, they know I am a sore spot with her...they are also old enough to deal with the consequences of provoking her.


Quoting Ol--Akasha--lO: Funny you ask this. I am volunteering for a couple hours every Monday in my DDs class. Just so happens SS is also in this class. I'm waiting for BMs reaction. Especially because she works during school hours so she won't be volunteering (not that she would anyways). She can suck it. I'll volunteer in my daughter's class if I want. She can put SS in another class if it bothers her. Honestly, the only reason I can see for a BM to get pissed about a SP volunteering for school functions is guilt. It may come across that BM isn't as involved with her kid as other people are. For me, I wouldn't give a shit what other people think about my amount of involvement, they don't know my schedule, they don't know how or how much time I spend with my kids outside of school hours.

 

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:34 PM
If an OP has to say "I'm not trying to be mom or step on her toes" it seems like 9/10 times that the OP is probably trying to be mom and stepping on toes. Actions usually do not match the words.
USBrit
by Silver Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:36 PM
1 mom liked this

My stepkids are all grown...however, as a stepmom and a bio mom....here are my thoughts. Steps don't need to participate in school functions for stepchildren, that is something that bio parents need to do. I wouldn't want someone shadowing me when dealing with my own children and school, or whatever. Step parents are to be there at the request of bio parents, as long as both bios agree. Just my thoughts for peace and harmony for both families. 

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:41 PM
1 mom liked this

It depends on the if it is the same SM that is saying and doing or is it a CSM who is saying that when Mom isn't quite doing what she should.


sophiesister2
by Bronze Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:45 PM
This!! Bm isnt even a thought

Quoting luckystars2012: I'm not trying to detract from bm or take her place. I am just living my life.

My life does not include bm. It doesn't have to. I don't answer to her and I won't live my life being worried about offending her. If my dh wants me to go to something, I go (assuming I'm free). If ss wants me to hold his hand while he gets a filling, or watch him get an award, I do it. Bm doesn't like it? Sucks for her.

It's not about bm. It's about my relationship with my husband and my ss and dd and ds and our lives together.
Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Aug. 14, 2014 at 4:55 PM
2 moms liked this

pretty much the same here....I don't talk to her,email her,FB stalk her,I avoid her if we are at the same EC's together...she doesn't exist in my bubble just like I don't exist in her bubble.

She does her thing and I"ll do mine.

Quoting luckystars2012: I'm not trying to detract from bm or take her place. I am just living my life. My life does not include bm. It doesn't have to. I don't answer to her and I won't live my life being worried about offending her. If my dh wants me to go to something, I go (assuming I'm free). If ss wants me to hold his hand while he gets a filling, or watch him get an award, I do it. Bm doesn't like it? Sucks for her. It's not about bm. It's about my relationship with my husband and my ss and dd and ds and our lives together.



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