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Staying off BM's radar

Posted by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 10:52 AM
  • 83 Replies
This term really pokes my bear, so to speak. A few posts recently have gotten me thinking about it.

To me, staying off someone's radar means to hide. To behave in a manner that prevents you from being seen, to be invisible to that person. I don't understand why, even in high conflict situations, an acceptable solution would be for SM to hide, to take action to help BM to pretend she doesn't exist.

I'm hoping to get some other points of view on this. I find it to be completely one-sided and unrealistic, so maybe I'm missing something.
by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 10:52 AM
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by The Savior on Aug. 15, 2014 at 11:00 AM
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I don't really understand it either. I live my life, go about my day and where I work, BM goes almost daily (small town, one of the only places to get things at here) and I don't hide or tiptoe around her not to upset the poor baby. Her issues she makes up in her head. She refuses to grow the fuck up and parent with she can live the rest of her life hating us...doesn't mean I'm going to bend to that.

by Ruby Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 11:02 AM

Ok to me it means,not being around her. I don't do pu/do, I don't call,email,interact with her. If we are at the same EC with the kids, I avoid her. I do the same with her boyfriend and his kids,which is sad because her boyfriend is super nice and friendly,and his kids are awesome.

But she doesn't like me for her own reasons,so for us,out of sight,out of mind works best.

The kids don't talk about me around her,because that causes problems...again that's on her. But the way we do it,works for us.

by Patriot's Fan on Aug. 15, 2014 at 11:14 AM
1 mom liked this
It would be very rude of me to act like bm doesn't exist. Or avoid would also be very hard. I talk to bm all the time and I have sd everyday. Its easier for me to talk to bm than dh who would talk to bm. Dh does talk to her too but if I need to ask bm something or she needs to let me know something we text. Dh always forgets important stuff that I should know like sd being dropped off later or not at all. Or bm pickin sd up early..I need to know so I can be home.
So avoiding bm for one would look stupid of is nice to me so I have no reason to do so anyways. That and I wouldnt ever know what times sd was getting dropped off or picked up.

I can understand when avoiding bm would be best..when there is a lot of conflict and stuff like that.
by Gold Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 11:35 AM
4 moms liked this
I use to not hide from BM until her behavior was too much to take. Public embarrassment and watching the kids pay the price. She is very insecure and still wants hubby back. The sight of me or my home seems to flip a switch in her. Maybe unresolved feelings of guilt and shame from cheating on dad and creating scandal and wrecking the kids home life. I know I've done NOTHING TO HER, so it's all in her head. But whatever her issues, the behavior and words she expresses are too much drama for me.

I go and do whatever my DH and SKIDS ask me to do. So, I'm not totally off the radar invisible. But I don't do as much as look at her. Try to be a wall flower in those cases we have to be at same place at same time. It's called SELF PRESERVATION.
by Platinum Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 11:36 AM
8 moms liked this

I stay off radar for the most part as fas as both BM1 and BM2.  Have for a long time.  It isn't for THEIR benefit.  It is for my own.  I have had less drama when we have nothing at all to do with each other.  Who cares if she gets the benefit of being able to pretend I don't exist?  Honestly, what does my existence even matter to her?  No more, I am sure, than her existence matters to me.  

by Silver Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 11:36 AM
Being a step mom is grueling, let's start there. It is, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
You go to an event and something is said about you not being welcome there
You don't go to an event and something is said about you not caring about your step kid.
Here's what I do and it works for everyone involved; BM and I do not communicate at ALL, never, nada, zip, zilch.. Never have. She sees my car is the one that pulls up to pick SS up, if she thinks it's me, good, if she thinks it's DH, good. I am the one who watches SS when DH is at work, I have entertained him the entire summer, does she know I do? Yes. How? Because when she asks SS what he did I am always the person he talks about when discussing who took him, where he went, that his brother came too, etc. Does BM like it? I don't know, and I don't care, she's never said either way.
DH doesn't communicate with her either, aside from once sentence emails every now and then for something extremely detrimental to SS.
We are more mysterious, we're not out all the time, we just do our own thing whether SS is here or not.
I'm not going to hide just to protect BM, I don't really care about her. We (DH and I), don't expect SD to hide just to protect BF, even though DH (BF) doesn't care about SD.
It's simply this, one kid has two families, sometimes there are four people in it, sometimes three, sometimes two and sometimes one.
Everyone has to be mature enough to accept what has happened and move on.
by Silver Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 11:47 AM
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Bm doesn't like me. She blames me for her problems with dh.

I do not hide per se or let her interfere with enjoying my life, but I think we all are happier if I "stay off her radar" which for me means I don't contact her- I let dh deal with all communication with her, I avoid do/pu and if I am there when dh does this, I stay in the car while he goes to the door, I don't interact with sd when she is on the phone with bm.

I don't avoid activities or events she will be at, but I am not in her face at them- I stay in the background and let sd come to me.

For me, "staying off her radar" isn't about hiding, it is about not doing things that are going to "set her off."

by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 11:49 AM
4 moms liked this

Mom knows you exist. Mom's are stupid. They know. 

However, there is no excuse good enough to show up to things that are for parents and act like she needs to get over herself and that she is the one causing the problem. That is what stay off her radar means... if you know you're not going to be  needed somewhere and you go, knowing mom isn't going to be appreciative or want you there because she, the parent, and the ex, the other parent, have things under control, you're intentionally causing a problem by putting yourself on her radar. 

Your marriage is yours, her kid is not, so sometimes it isn't a bad thing to focus on what is yours and let the parents do the same instead of doing what you think is best and acting like she needs to just accept that.

by on Aug. 15, 2014 at 11:58 AM
1 mom liked this

 I wouldnt call it staying off the radar. I have no interactions with BM as she is malicious and lies. I simply stay away from her, but wouldnt say I hide from her.

by Gold Member on Aug. 15, 2014 at 12:02 PM
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Staying off the radar, IMO, means not taking part in conflict.  It doesn't mean hiding.  It's the type of thing you do for the sake of your SKs. 

I do what I can to avoid getting on BM's radar.  Ultimately, it's up to her if she wants to zero in on me or not.  She can blame me or accuse me of anything she wants, and I can't control that.  I can control whether or not those accusations stick.  Claiming I stole her mommy moment because SD started her period at our house?  Obviously, I can't dictate someone else's menstrual cycle.  That's just BM venting.  She couldn't accuse me of stealing a mommy moment buying SD her first bra because I left that in BM's court... specifically because it seemed like something important to her. 

If SM will simply put herself in BM's shoes (within reason) and ask, "Would this be important to her?", it's not that difficult to stay off the radar where petty stuff is concerned.  It may never be possible to get off the radar of a truly hostile BM, but SM isn't obligated to participate in that game.

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