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Adult SK - Dad has a new GF

Posted by on Aug. 18, 2014 at 1:46 PM
  • 27 Replies

My dad divorced my SM of 22 years late last year.  I am 29, so she was pretty much around my entire life.  I was pretty sad about the situation and although my dad didn't reiterate the story to me, I got the gist of what happened.  My dad went through some life changing experiences over the course of four years- had major heart surgery, was diagnosed with COPD, changed his career due to these things- and decided he didn't like his life.  He cheated on my SM with a woman he worked with, who was also married at the time.  They decided to divorce their spouses and started dating.

I have not been very graceful with the situation.  My dad always shit talked my mom for cheating on him, and then he goes and does the same thing to my SM, who WAS my second mom.  I pretty much stopped talking to him for a while, because I didn't know what to say.  My SM and I have remained in contact, and I think it bothers my dad a bit.  He removed me as a friend on FB after seeing I still talked regularly with SM, and I thought it was pretty immature.

Anyhow, I haven't been accepting of the new woman.  She is only a few years younger, but I feel like she has made my dad into a wannabe and he is VERY preachy now.  I am not a religious person, and did not grow up in a religious family, and I am fine with this.  But since dad started dating his GF, he started going to church and is always telling me, "YOU NEED TO GET GOD IN YOUR LIFE!"

A couple months ago he announced he was bringing GF to visit (he lives in Arizona, I live in Michigan) his family and I wasn't too happy.  She tried to be friends with me, but also deleted me after seeing I have a close relationship with my SM.  I got very defensive and decided it was best I stayed away because while I didn't rub it in their faces, they obviously take issue that I am still close to the woman I have called SM for 22 years!  To me, this speaks volumes about their maturity!

So anyway, they visited and DH and I got married on August 9 and they were there.  My dad was upset I didn't have him walk me down the aisle (there was no aisle- we got married on my grandpa's front lawn and my grandpa drove me in on a decked out golf cart), then he was upset I didn't have a person of religion marry us (my original maid of honor was ordained and did the ceremony).  My dad was a different person completely.  :-/  I get he had some life changing experiences, but I don't recognize this man.  He was very concerned with things that never used to matter to him- clothing, religion, different lifestyles- and because this new GF is VERY DIFFERENT from my SM, I feel like he has changed to suit her and he is not the dad I remember.

I'm trying to be understanding because he's had a tough couple four years, but, the spoiled ass brat inside of me wants to tell him to lose the woman because she's just going to cheat on him like she did her husband.  Being a SK sometimes never gets easier....

by on Aug. 18, 2014 at 1:46 PM
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by on Aug. 18, 2014 at 1:52 PM
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We always talk about how the parents feel and don't often think of how the kids involved feel about a new person, a different life, huge changes in our parent(s). This post really puts some perspective on the child(ren).If we have problems as adults, imagine how a voiceless child can get lost in the divorce and remarriages. 

OP, I hope you can find your balance with your Dad. 

by Ruby Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 1:53 PM

 i would keep that opinion to myself but when he said shit to me that i didnt like i would point it out that i didnt like it. if he continued to piss me off id limit contact.

by Platinum Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 2:05 PM
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So she is super religious, but cheated on her spouse?  Major hypocrite.  I wouldn't like the situation either.

by on Aug. 18, 2014 at 2:06 PM

 Your Dad can't expect you to drop your SM like he did.  That issue is for him to get over. We aren't in 5th grade anymore and his expectations are unrealistic.  Maybe he feels guilty for cheating on SM and you being Friends with her refreshes that guilt? People do illogical things while running from guilt.

As far as him finding God? I don't think that's a bad idea at any age, so don't feel putoff by that life change.  While he did have some life changing events, he did not handle the changes very well.  It happens a lot, people get so involved in their own events that they don't stop to think about the consequences.  If he has shut off social media avenues, let him keep the communication going with you.  Thank goodness they live long distance so you won't be in awkward situations very often.   

by Ruby Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 2:13 PM
2 moms liked this

They both cheated, don't lose sight of that.  You have every right to be hurt and betrayed and angered by your father's behavior.  His sudden religious zealotry seems besides the point.  Don't make his new wife the fall guy.

by on Aug. 18, 2014 at 2:17 PM

I don't plan on telling him my thoughts, but as an adult, I would tell any other person my thoughts if they asked.

I think he's refrained from asking my opinion for a reason....

Quoting faerie75:

 i would keep that opinion to myself but when he said shit to me that i didnt like i would point it out that i didnt like it. if he continued to piss me off id limit contact.

by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 3:12 PM
I agree but my dad died when I was 20 so I'm sad to kinda see that there may not be a relationship between her and her dad. My sd has really limited contact with my DH too because he talked shit about her mom. I told him over and over that it isn't okay and it really isn't any of her business. She's the (adult ) kid. Sd seems more comfortable with me when she does visi which is too bad too. . All part of DH and his issues. Poor kids. They are a big part of the reason I stayed as long as I did. And I am not ignoring my responsibility in any of this.

Quoting faerie75:

 i would keep that opinion to myself but when he said shit to me that i didnt like i would point it out that i didnt like it. if he continued to piss me off id limit contact.

by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 3:35 PM
1 mom liked this

Wow, it sounds like your father is going through a major midlife crisis!  I would not put ALL the blame on GF because your father has made his choices, but I would take a long-term view of this situation and not react so quickly to what hopefully will be a short phase in his life.  Let him live his life as he sees fit, and he should do the same for you. Ignore his preachiness, laugh it off.  Because it was not part of his life in the past, he may tire of it. My Dad went to church every Sunday for two years after my Mom passed away and hung out with Church people.  I was shocked, because in my whole 38 years of existence at the time, I could count seeing my father in church on one hand, and one of those was at my wedding.  After he met the evil SM, he stopped going (probably because if the evil SM went into a church and touched holy water, she would have melted!  haha).  

Hopefully both of you (with or without the GF) may find a place for each other in your lives on terms that you both can accept.  Think of him as a teenager, going through developmental changes.  After adolescence, parents often have to re-think their relationship with their child, and move forward more as friends, not so much as parent-child.  Perhaps this may be true of your relationship.  It seems as if you are more the adult now and are waiting for your Dad to grow up.  If you can find it in your heart to be willing to look at him with new eyes and not keep him pegged strictly as the Dad you knew while growing up, perhaps you two can resume your relationship, though not on the same terms....good luck!

by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 3:38 PM

You need to get God in your life? So you can be a fine, upstanding religious person like him and his latest wife? Yeah, they're a great example of godly living.

I'd continue my relationship with my SM. He can deal with it or kick rocks.

by Platinum Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 3:41 PM
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I'm too mouthy... he'd have never been at my wedding (my own BF wasn't at my wedding to XH either, because we are so different, and he's not a nice person to be around so I avoid him in my life, have since about '87). 

I'm religious (not perfect LOL) but I'd not have been able to keep my mouth shut about him cheating on SM with this GF and then claiming that *I* needed to find religion.  I'm curious what religion they subscribe to that would find that their beginning was appropriate.... ;)  (just musing, I don't want/need to know)

I like what tiafez brought up.  If it's THIS tough as an adult to 'adjust' to someone new in your parents life, even when you're old enough to have a life of your own, imagine how tough it can be for some kids who are thrown into the middle of it all and expected to just 'adjust' quickly.  :( 

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