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What's my place as the "girlfriend" (of three years)

Posted by on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:00 PM
  • 26 Replies
I have a hard time trying to figure out my role sometimes. I've been dating my bf for 3 years and he has a 5 yr old daughter. I've been in her life since she was 2 so she's really only known me and him together bc she was so young when they divorced. She loves me and I love her, we have a great relationship. But, the ex wife is relentless, wants to make everything an issue and doesn't put the child's needs first. She's on her own agenda and it makes things challenging. I try to follow his lead and give advice when solicited but he needs a lot of help. It wears on him and sometimes our relationship. I'm also dealing with my own issues of trying to forgive him for marrying the woman in the first place and letting go of the resentment I have. We don't live together yet but I want to be prepared for when we do as far as dealing with the ex, discipline and boundaries. I love him and his daughter and just want to know I'm doing the right thing and know my place. Any advice, suggestions are welcomed :)
by on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
hopeful_leslie
by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:09 PM
Why do you have to forgive him for marrying his ex? I'm totally lost on that.. Maybe I missed something?
MBanks524
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:12 PM
Why are you upset about his past. I'd talk to your bf and find out his expectations of you. I'd talk about the boundaries and rules with him. Lay out how you feel and find out how he does before you move in or get married.
Hindy88
by on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:13 PM
2 moms liked this
His past is his past, you can't change it. Get over that part and be the best person you can be for the both of them. That's what you can do.
stepdiva
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:18 PM
1 mom liked this
You should deal with your feelings of resentment because he married someone else. IMO you should go away and do some soil searching before you move in with him. Is the reason you're so in love with him because you need him to know what he passed up when he chose bm over you, however many years ago that was? No offense meant here, just saying....
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:21 PM
Why do you need to forgive him for marrying her to begin with? Unless there is a past there that would really make that necessary; you may not be cut out to be with someone who has a past or an ex wife.
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stepdiva
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 10:24 PM
You're right! I read that to mean he married someone else over her. Now I'm confused. Lol

Quoting hopeful_leslie: Why do you have to forgive him for marrying his ex? I'm totally lost on that.. Maybe I missed something?
Mimto2
by New Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 11:04 PM

I think you should be looking at a time table to move your relationship forward. You guys have been dating for three years and there doesn't seem to be any sign of commitment on his part.

At this time, I don't really think you have a roll in his daughter's life. You are his girlfriend and nothing more.

advomom05
by Member on Aug. 18, 2014 at 11:17 PM
2 moms liked this
Well, first your role *is not* to;

Forgive him for marrying his child's mother. Not sure why he would need forgiveness for that but say he did, it certainly wouldn't be your "role" to do so,

Decide the needs of someone else's child and make the judgment call that one of the parents of said child is not putting them first. Definitely not your "role" though perhaps place would be a better word?

As a GF, who is not married to the BF and doesn't even live in the home, IMO, your role should be that of which you described yourself, Dad's girlfriend. Concentrate on dating Dad, leave the parenting up to the parents. If the child is around when you are spending time with Dad, keep the relationship with her lighthearted and fun. Be nice to his daughter, definitely do not do any sort of disciplining or child care at this stage. No pick-ups or caretaking responsibilities, nada.

I say this because for whatever reason, after 3 years together, you and BF aren't sharing the same home and aren't married. IMO, no child should be viewing their parent's SO as anything other than "that nice lady or man that hangs out with us sometimes" under circumstances such as you've described.
sarahjoy
by New Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 12:09 AM
1 mom liked this
I parent my bf kids all the time. Tell them to clean up after themselves, take away privileges when reasonable, time outs. My bf just got custody of his three year old daughter. Her mom goes weeks with out calling. Never picked her up from last visitation and he got custody for various reasons. When DD first got here she was a mess... yelling, slamming doors, screaming refusing to do simple things like eat dinner, brush teeth and so on. My bf was lost. He gave in to her shinning and screaming. I stepped in and helped him...Never took over but taught him how to b firm but loving. He still needs help from time to time and I watch her a lot and she will respect me and not embarrass me when with me.
But then again I don't care whose child u r if u are around me and bring inappropriate or disrespectful I will say something. But if bf is addressing the problem I never butt in or tell him what to do in front of her. After when dd Ian Mr around I might say...this might of worked better, or next time try this. He asks me for advice all the time. But we have that understanding that we can discipline each other's kids b we what them all to respect both of us
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 12:22 AM
3 moms liked this
If he needs a lot of help from you now and you don't even live w him yet I'd think hard. It sounds like he's going to expect a lot from you if you do move in. I live w my SO but he parents his kids without any help from me. I do support his efforts and help out when needed but he has it mostly handled.

Everyone is getting on you for the "forgive him for marrying her" but I do know what you mean. It's irrational but I have fleetingly and exasperatedly thought it. Luckily for me things improved w the ex wife and we are all civil now.
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