So I want to make this long, convoluted story as concise as possible.
Many years ago, dh and his best friend's then fiancé (now wife) had some kind of weekend full of inappropriate behavior that he admits was infidelity, but not actual sex while friend was out of town. He feels horrible about this, friend doesn't know. Let's call her Rose and her husband Rob.
Then several years ago while dh was married to bm (and Rose to Rob), Rose & dh arranged for him to hook up with a friend of hers when she went to visit them (they live in another state). It didn't work out, but was ridiculously inappropriate nonetheless.
A year or so ago dh and I had a big disagreement because he was texting and emailing Rose, although nothing was overtly inappropriate about the text messages, I felt that under the circumstances it was not appropriate. I have no problem with him having friendships with other women- even exes, where no boundaries were ever crossed. But these two have crossed boundaries at least twice that I know of and while in committed relationships. I did say I was okay with them having contact as long as he told me about every text, email, etc and I was present for any phone conversation.
Then a few months later, he deleted a dozen texts between them, which he says were innocent but he just didn't want me to be mad that they were texting. We came to an understanding and agreement and worked through it in therapy.
We have been having some rocky times lately and had a big blow out last week- partly because I just found out that while we were in therapy he told BM we were in therapy. Even though one of our issues over the years has been him oversharing with bm.
So... last night...
Dh gets a couple of texts messages from Rose. Just "Dh are you there?" He tells me, but says he isn't going to respond. I said I would prefer if he did and we could find out what she wanted. So he says "Yeah, what's up?"
She responds "Rob just told me some of what's been going on with you. Are you splitting up?"
I calmly asked him what that was about and he said last week when we had our blow up, Rob had called and he talked to him because he was upset (They talk a few times a year, if that).
I typed a response to her "I don't know. What did Rob tell you?" But he didn't want me to send it, so I didn't, but told him if he didn't send it and I didn't get to know what *she* knows about *my* marriage, then we had NOTHING to talk about so to get out of my bedroom and stay away from me.
He walked out, then came back in at bedtime. I handed him his pillows and told him to get out.
I think I am truly finished. He just doesn't get it. And it is that he doesn't get it that bugs me as much as what he did.
I feel betrayed and like he will always do this. He doesn't get why it would bother me that BM and ROSE of all freaking people know about my marriage problems when even my mom doesn't.
And with all the stepfamily bs (we are in middle of what appears will be a long and expensive custody battle) it just isn't worth it.