Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Think I am finished.

Posted by on Aug. 19, 2014 at 9:44 AM
  • 40 Replies

So I want to make this long, convoluted story as concise as possible.

Many years ago, dh and his best friend's then fiancĂ© (now wife) had some kind of weekend full of inappropriate behavior that he admits was infidelity, but not actual sex while friend was out of town. He feels horrible about this, friend doesn't know.  Let's call her Rose and her husband Rob.

Then several years ago while dh was married to bm (and Rose to Rob), Rose & dh arranged for him to hook up with a friend of hers when she went to visit them (they live in another state). It didn't work out, but was ridiculously inappropriate nonetheless.

A year or so ago dh and I had a big disagreement because he was texting and emailing Rose, although nothing was overtly inappropriate about the text messages, I felt that under the circumstances it was not appropriate. I have no problem with him having friendships with other women- even exes, where no boundaries were ever crossed. But these two have crossed boundaries at least twice that I know of and while in committed relationships. I did say I was okay with them having contact as long as he told me about every text, email, etc and I was present for any phone conversation.

Then a few months later, he deleted a dozen texts between them, which he says were innocent but he just didn't want me to be mad that they were texting. We came to an understanding and agreement and worked through it in therapy.

We have been having some rocky times lately and had a big blow out last week- partly because I just found out that while we were in therapy he told BM we were in therapy. Even though one of our issues over the years has been him oversharing with bm.

So... last night...

Dh gets a couple of texts messages from Rose. Just "Dh are you there?" He tells me, but says he isn't going to respond. I said I would prefer if he did and we could find out what she wanted. So he says "Yeah, what's up?"

She responds "Rob just told me some of what's been going on with you. Are you splitting up?"

I calmly asked him what that was about and he said last week when we had our blow up, Rob had called and he talked to him because he was upset (They talk a few times a year, if that).

I typed a response to her "I don't know. What did Rob tell you?" But he didn't want me to send it, so I didn't, but told him if he didn't send it and I didn't get to know what *she* knows about *my* marriage, then we had NOTHING to talk about so to get out of my bedroom and stay away from me.

He walked out, then came back in at bedtime. I handed him his pillows and told him to get out.

I think I am truly finished. He just doesn't get it. And it is that he doesn't get it that bugs me as much as what he did.

I feel betrayed and like he will always do this. He doesn't get why it would bother me that BM and ROSE of all freaking people know about my marriage problems when even my mom doesn't.

And with all the stepfamily bs (we are in middle of what appears will be a long and expensive custody battle) it just isn't worth it.

by on Aug. 19, 2014 at 9:44 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 9:50 AM
2 moms liked this

He really needed to end all relationship with Rose before you guys even started, what is that about? He has shown who is to you, believe him.

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 9:56 AM
1 mom liked this

That sucks.  I'm sorry but I wouldn't trust this man.  His activities seem very shady.

cdrainey3
by Cher on Aug. 19, 2014 at 10:02 AM
1 mom liked this
I think one of the first things I asked my dh before I married him and before I even got into a relationship with him was, have you cheated before? If he had said yes, I'm not sure I would of ever been able to trust him. It's not okay in my book. Not even "close calls" I especially don't like being friends with an ex. They have already had a connection, who's to say they wouldn't have another one and you guys happen to be in a fight, so it becomes more. It's easy for it to become more since they have history.

He doesn't sound very committed at all and he's certainly not taking it serious. Do you have kids together?
tiafez
by Silver Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 10:04 AM

do you trust him?

DDDaysh
by on Aug. 19, 2014 at 10:11 AM

I am a little torn about the last part of your post.  The fact that your mother doens't know about your issues, doesn't necessarily mean your DH doesn't have different needs about being able to "talk to someone" about what's bothering him.  So, if this was his sister, or even just a couple of friends with no history...  I'd probably tell you you needed to accept you guys had different levels of what you viewed as private and were going to have to compromise on that. 


BUT given the situation here...  I think your DH has been showing a consistent pattern of questionable behaviors in the fidelity department - and these are just the ones you KNOW about.  If he's unwilling to do things that will make you feel more secure, I think that might be a clear indication that he's still not being upfront. 

oranguglad
by Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 10:23 AM

Right- if he had told his mom or a different friend or someone else I'd be alright. But he chose to confide in the wrong two people out of dozens.

So now both bm and his his old crush who he didn't exaclty cheat with, but tried know about my personal business.

And after this has been brought up as an issue so he should have known better.

I don't really suspect that he would cheat. Or no- let me take that back-  I think he truly intends to not cheat, but I think he allows himself into those grey areas where cheating becomes easy.

So while I don't suspect him of any indecency thus far in our marriage, I don't necessarily believe that he wouldn't cheat under the right (or wrong?!) circumstances.

And I don't see him working too hard to prevent those circumstances or to recognize them.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 10:24 AM
You don't trust him and his behavior really has not changed all this time.
tottaxi
by Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 10:29 AM
4 moms liked this

I agree.  leegirl quoted Maya Angelou..."When someone shows you who they are, believe them...the first time."  I think these are very wise words and I try to live by them.  Kind of like the old "fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me."  People seldom change and if they do it is because they see the need to change.  Your DH is continuing a behavior that he supposedly was ashamed of in the past.  The need to delete messages pretty clearly states that they were not of a platonic nature.  He knows they would have upset you.  Why would an honorable man engage in a conversation that he knows would upset his wife?  He wouldn't.

Don't spend money on a custody battle.  You don't want to bring children into a situation that is problematic.  File for divorce and put him in your rear view mirror.  Once trust is gone from a marriage there is nothing left to build on. 

Quoting leegirl_jm:

He really needed to end all relationship with Rose before you guys even started, what is that about? He has shown who is to you, believe him.

 

LiveInTheNow
by Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 10:32 AM

 An affair doesnt have to be sexual.....people can have emotional affairs and if he's sharing info about your marriage to another woman hes had history with....the negative aspects the most, I would have some concerns as well. If he cant break off his relationship with this other woman, whatever it might be, i cant say your odds are good.

Quoting DDDaysh:

I am a little torn about the last part of your post.  The fact that your mother doens't know about your issues, doesn't necessarily mean your DH doesn't have different needs about being able to "talk to someone" about what's bothering him.  So, if this was his sister, or even just a couple of friends with no history...  I'd probably tell you you needed to accept you guys had different levels of what you viewed as private and were going to have to compromise on that. 

 

BUT given the situation here...  I think your DH has been showing a consistent pattern of questionable behaviors in the fidelity department - and these are just the ones you KNOW about.  If he's unwilling to do things that will make you feel more secure, I think that might be a clear indication that he's still not being upfront. 

 

6isus
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2014 at 10:34 AM
I understand your concern. Is this something you can discuss in therapy?

I'm not sure I wouldn't have hit send with his behavior the way it was. If he wasn't hiding anything what wS he afraid she would reply?
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)