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Blending one DYNAMIC Family... HELP!?!

Posted by on Aug. 20, 2014 at 4:48 PM
  • 12 Replies

OK.. So im 20 something dating a 30 something for 3 years now. I have 2 children that have a father that hasnt seen them in 4 years ( dont worry, they are happy and its better off that way for their own goo. Drugs do terrible things to people and Im happy they dont have to deal with addiction at their elementary ages) So needless to say, my two are home with us 24/7. no weekends or midweek night away from mom.

 

BF: 2 boys of his own, one local from his first marriage and another 2000 miles away from his second..."relationship" that didnt last long. Its puts a huge starin on our faily having him so far away. We are lucky to see him 1-2 times a year for a few weeks. And because he is so far away and home only some of the time, our life revolves around his presence when he is here. We embrace it but it takes its physical and emotional toll on me for sure. Boyfriends oldest is 12, constantly stealing from someone, sneaking out, and has openly admitted to smoking pot already.

On top of feeling like i dont fit into these boys' life because they already have a mother and really just look towards me for an answer when Dad isnt around... now they are growing into teenagers and I feel like life is becoming out of control.

 

My youngest gets a hard way to go in the house.. hes the smart nerdy kid that wouold rather play alone than pass the football...totally not like his possible future stepbrothers.

I am definitely feeling overwhelmed and have even saught out therapy because i have a habbit of taking too much responcibility on myself. I DO blame myself for puting my kidsi the middle of this because if it doesnt work I have to strip them of another father, and that absolutey rips my heart out for them.

 

Our relationship is really strained because I am not happy... some days its great and another I just feel like I took a wrong turn.

by on Aug. 20, 2014 at 4:48 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Boobear110
by Audra on Aug. 20, 2014 at 6:39 PM
1 mom liked this

There is nothing wrong with them just looking to you for an answer to a question. 

You will fit into their lives where they want you to. It takes time and patience to build a bond with kids. Just be Dad's nice GF and let it develop on it's own. 

Don't push, don't take on responsibility that isn't yours. 

malinda74
by Bronze Member on Aug. 20, 2014 at 6:43 PM
1 mom liked this
It sounds like your parenting styles don't mesh at all. I don't think putting all your kids under one roof is a great idea outside of a long term committed relationship because you will feel guilty for as you put it " stripping them from another father" if this doesn't work out. It doesn't sound like its really working out. How often do you have the 12 yr old son?
USBrit
by Silver Member on Aug. 20, 2014 at 11:18 PM
2 moms liked this

Getting out sooner, than later is much better for everyone, including the kids.

faerie75
by Platinum Member on Aug. 22, 2014 at 6:33 PM

 well the kid who is far shouldnt be too much of an issue. hes rarely there. since he is there so rarely, switch your mind set. he doesnt need chores and life lessons when hes there, he jsut needs to spend some time w dad primarily and family secondarily.

how much does SO have his other son, the problem one? how is the relationship w BM?

just focus on your own kids. if your son is a homebody theres not reason for himt o go play outdoors just becuase the other kids are. just let things be.

sunnyside-up
by Bronze Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 8:46 AM
2 moms liked this
Trust me, this does not always get better!
I laugh at the word "Blended"! Not every household can blend. Its not always possible! These dynamics you speak of, in almost any 2nd marriage or relationship is not natural and hard to accept.

Either you have to be ready to expect the unexpected or suffer with anxiety, stress and or depression your whole life! Believe me, I walk in those shoes every day.

I hear in your words, that it hurts now and you may never have what you want. I'm sorry, I want to say only good things like ' it will get better, be patient, takes time to develope relationships..." but, the pain part is a reality in most 'mixed' dynamics like these.Even if they improve, the pain can still be there. Be prepared for that.

I dont want to sugar coat it or pretend its not a problem. You have to decide if you can live happily with the "Elephant" in your room every day of your life?

Is your love enough? Think long and hard. I wish i would have listened and protected myself a long time ago!

I know its tough when you love someone, but this is your life too, forever!
Good luck and I wish you the best no matter what you do!❤
sunnyside-up
by Bronze Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 8:49 AM
Good points!

Quoting faerie75:

 well the kid who is far shouldnt be too much of an issue. hes rarely there. since he is there so rarely, switch your mind set. he doesnt need chores and life lessons when hes there, he jsut needs to spend some time w dad primarily and family secondarily.


how much does SO have his other son, the problem one? how is the relationship w BM?


just focus on your own kids. if your son is a homebody theres not reason for himt o go play outdoors just becuase the other kids are. just let things be.

mama-mom-mommy
by on Aug. 23, 2014 at 8:55 AM
You can still be a part of eachotgers lives and not make the kids suffer.
It may hurt them to lose him but it will save them a,life of misery living with a mom on her brink and craziness.
Kids need peace and stability. You can be mom and dad and still have a happy home. Move out now before it is too late and they end up resenting you for picking a man over them
gypsy_rose
by on Aug. 23, 2014 at 9:04 AM

I think things CAN get better. My stepson was VERY violent the first 3 years. He even strangled his little brother (my other stepson) screaming "I am going to kill you!". We put a lot of time and effort into helping him. He has totaly turned his life around. He is happy and VERY mellow. it's like a VERY diffrent kid. The thing is each household needs to work together for this to happen. There can be no "she's the step mom so she can't disipline you" crap. Each household needs to work as a unit. The step parent also can't treat the child any diffrent than their own. The step parent NEEDS to be there and willing to listen and guide the children as well. You need to agree to things working like this before marriage comes along. It took 3 LONG very hard years to help my stepson (my other step son and step daughter have difficulties but they are better as well and their are minor problems.) I am VERY happy to have my step kids in my life and I love them very much. No matter the hardship I am NOT leaving them. They don't need another mom who just kinda gives up on them. I decided that when DH and I got married. Don't get married though if your not willing to help your stepkids in anyway needed 

Quoting sunnyside-up: Trust me, this does not get better! I laugh at the word "Blended"! Not every household can blend. Its not always possible! These dynamics you speak of, in almost any 2nd marriage or relationship is not natural and hard to accept. Either you have to be ready to expect the unexpected or suffer with anxiety, stress and or depression your whole life! Believe me, i walk in those shoes every day. I hear in your words, that it hurts now and you may never have what you want. I'm sorry, i want to say only good things like ' it will get better, be patient, takes time to develope relationships..." but, the pain part is a reality in most 'mixed' dynamics like these.And doesnt go away. I dont want to sugar coat it or pretend its not a problem. You have to decidevif you can live happily with the "Elephant" in your room every day of your life? Is your love enough? Think long and hard. I wish i would have listened and protected myself a long time ago! I know its tough when you love someone, but this is your life too, forever! Good luck and I wish you the best no matter what you do!❤


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sunnyside-up
by Bronze Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 9:28 AM
1 mom liked this
No one has a crystal ball. I hope your right in her case. But, this is one of the reasons we have this forum. This can be a tough life for a woman marrying a man with other childern and should never be taken lightly.

I of course love my ss, but it has been a long hard road and in some ways has got harder. Always a never ending roller coaster that I was very green to!

Ive been in my ss life since diapers. Hes now 9. This is NO bed of roses. If you tell someone that it is, that is a lie.
This is not as easy for everyone and they deserve to know both sides and make a desicion based on that.

Every situation is so different. There is no foot print for all.

Quoting gypsy_rose:

I think things CAN get better. My stepson was VERY violent the first 3 years. He even strangled his little brother (my other stepson) screaming "I am going to kill you!". We put a lot of time and effort into helping him. He has totaly turned his life around. He is happy and VERY mellow. it's like a VERY diffrent kid. The thing is each household needs to work together for this to happen. There can be no "she's the step mom so she can't disipline you" crap. Each household needs to work as a unit. The step parent also can't treat the child any diffrent than their own. The step parent NEEDS to be there and willing to listen and guide the children as well. You need to agree to things working like this before marriage comes along. It took 3 LONG very hard years to help my stepson (my other step son and step daughter have difficulties but they are better as well and their are minor problems.) I am VERY happy to have my step kids in my life and I love them very much. No matter the hardship I am NOT leaving them. They don't need another mom who just kinda gives up on them. I decided that when DH and I got married. Don't get married though if your not willing to help your stepkids in anyway needed 

Quoting sunnyside-up: Trust me, this does not get better!

I laugh at the word "Blended"! Not every household can blend. Its not always possible! These dynamics you speak of, in almost any 2nd marriage or relationship is not natural and hard to accept.



Either you have to be ready to expect the unexpected or suffer with anxiety, stress and or depression your whole life! Believe me, i walk in those shoes every day.



I hear in your words, that it hurts now and you may never have what you want. I'm sorry, i want to say only good things like ' it will get better, be patient, takes time to develope relationships..." but, the pain part is a reality in most 'mixed' dynamics like these.And doesnt go away.



I dont want to sugar coat it or pretend its not a problem. You have to decidevif you can live happily with the "Elephant" in your room every day of your life?



Is your love enough? Think long and hard. I wish i would have listened and protected myself a long time ago!



I know its tough when you love someone, but this is your life too, forever!

Good luck and I wish you the best no matter what you do!�



USBrit
by Silver Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 9:41 AM
1 mom liked this

I have to say the word blended brings a different image to me....think of a blender. HA!! Not something that anyone would want to go into!!! 

Quoting sunnyside-up: Trust me, this does not always get better! I laugh at the word "Blended"! Not every household can blend. Its not always possible! These dynamics you speak of, in almost any 2nd marriage or relationship is not natural and hard to accept. Either you have to be ready to expect the unexpected or suffer with anxiety, stress and or depression your whole life! Believe me, I walk in those shoes every day. I hear in your words, that it hurts now and you may never have what you want. I'm sorry, I want to say only good things like ' it will get better, be patient, takes time to develope relationships..." but, the pain part is a reality in most 'mixed' dynamics like these.Even if they improve, the pain can still be there. Be prepared for that. I dont want to sugar coat it or pretend its not a problem. You have to decide if you can live happily with the "Elephant" in your room every day of your life? Is your love enough? Think long and hard. I wish i would have listened and protected myself a long time ago! I know its tough when you love someone, but this is your life too, forever! Good luck and I wish you the best no matter what you do!❤


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