Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Uncomfortable comparisons...

Posted by on Aug. 21, 2014 at 8:21 AM
  • 15 Replies

I just got back from a long Family reunion with SO  and his children. I knew his DS's already but this was the first time meeting his DD. She was hard to get to know I found her to be distant , but we go along well and she told her Father she liked me and she has since friend me on FB. So my worrying was for nothing. YAY!

SO sister on the other hand ..... Nice women for the most part but 2 of them (SO is one of 9) could not stop talking and comparing me to BM! They were complementing me while disparaging her , with in ear shot of her children!  This is really more of a vent I found it very hard to move away or end that  kind of conversation with out seeming rude! I was so much worse when they were drinking!

 

 Why do people do that? I dont want to know how you feel about BM she isnt relevant to me!!!!

by on Aug. 21, 2014 at 8:21 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 8:40 AM
2 moms liked this

Did they have a personal relationship with BM? I think they may feel that is a way to let you know that they are okay with you as they aren't fond of her. My MIL did that with me when we first met, I didn't join in with criticising BM but I didn't shut her down either, after that we moved on to other things.

USBrit
by Silver Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 9:22 AM
1 mom liked this

I hated that part of the newness with my DH 10 years ago. Everyone single person that we spent time with that knew them as a couple spent most of the time telling me how awful the ex was. I hated it. I didn't want to know anything about her, it was my DH past, not my current or future, I didn't need to know, or want to know. It got so bad that eventually anyone that my DH knew (other than family)we eliminated as close friends. We had to make new friends that didn't know them as a couple because I just got totally drained from all the negative information being discussed. I can't have all that in my head all the time. They were married once, it was over, let's all move on. 

I think if you are going to spend more time with anyone that wants to talk about the ex, you should politely tell them that you weren't a part of that time in your husband's life and would rather not talk about it. If they don't honor that then, limit or eliminate your time with those people. You married for a new life, not to be dragged into the old life.

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 9:42 AM
Dear God the first time I met DH"s sister (which is weird considering he and I grew up as neighbors) it was at my SS's first birthday party-her and MIL sat there and did the same thing. Compared our looks and everything an kept trashing her as a person and as a mother to the point I was scared to meet her!

That just shows what kind if people they are,try to avoid tht trainwreck
twinklebites
by Silver Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 10:04 AM

 

Not sure how close they were SO and BM lived on the East coast( Military) SO family lives in Illinois. They were married for 20ish years so they had some type of relationship.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Did they have a personal relationship with BM? I think they may feel that is a way to let you know that they are okay with you as they aren't fond of her. My MIL did that with me when we first met, I didn't join in with criticising BM but I didn't shut her down either, after that we moved on to other things.

 

twinklebites
by Silver Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 10:07 AM

 SO's friends don't do it, I think the sisters were trying to make me feel welcome or accepted??? I don't know. I was just overwhelmed with everyone trying to get to know me and my children.

Quoting USBrit:

I hated that part of the newness with my DH 10 years ago. Everyone single person that we spent time with that knew them as a couple spent most of the time telling me how awful the ex was. I hated it. I didn't want to know anything about her, it was my DH past, not my current or future, I didn't need to know, or want to know. It got so bad that eventually anyone that my DH knew (other than family)we eliminated as close friends. We had to make new friends that didn't know them as a couple because I just got totally drained from all the negative information being discussed. I can't have all that in my head all the time. They were married once, it was over, let's all move on. 

I think if you are going to spend more time with anyone that wants to talk about the ex, you should politely tell them that you weren't a part of that time in your husband's life and would rather not talk about it. If they don't honor that then, limit or eliminate your time with those people. You married for a new life, not to be dragged into the old life.

 

twinklebites
by Silver Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 10:09 AM

 

They actually didn't say anything bad about her parenting, maybe because the kids are grown , I suppose. They just kept harping on how crappy she was to SO and they didn't" see them as a couple. They didn't understand it. Hmmm not quite sure  you have to understand it!

Quoting Tigress22304: Dear God the first time I met DH"s sister (which is weird considering he and I grew up as neighbors) it was at my SS's first birthday party-her and MIL sat there and did the same thing. Compared our looks and everything an kept trashing her as a person and as a mother to the point I was scared to meet her! That just shows what kind if people they are,try to avoid tht trainwreck

 

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 10:19 AM

It sounds like that is what they were doing.

Quoting twinklebites:

 SO's friends don't do it, I think the sisters were trying to make me feel welcome or accepted??? I don't know. I was just overwhelmed with everyone trying to get to know me and my children.

Quoting USBrit:

I hated that part of the newness with my DH 10 years ago. Everyone single person that we spent time with that knew them as a couple spent most of the time telling me how awful the ex was. I hated it. I didn't want to know anything about her, it was my DH past, not my current or future, I didn't need to know, or want to know. It got so bad that eventually anyone that my DH knew (other than family)we eliminated as close friends. We had to make new friends that didn't know them as a couple because I just got totally drained from all the negative information being discussed. I can't have all that in my head all the time. They were married once, it was over, let's all move on. 

I think if you are going to spend more time with anyone that wants to talk about the ex, you should politely tell them that you weren't a part of that time in your husband's life and would rather not talk about it. If they don't honor that then, limit or eliminate your time with those people. You married for a new life, not to be dragged into the old life.



Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

bottomline
by Silver Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 10:41 AM

 Yeah, Dh's family did the same thing. It was awkward. We were already putting up with too much of bm's bs to want to hear about it from anyone else.  It went on for a while then DH had to pull his siblings off to the side and tell them to just stop.  He told them we were living it and we needed a break from hearing about it.  Most of them understood. He has one sister that you can't tell anything, she will do what ever the heck she wants when she wants. She is very rude. I couldn't stand bm, nor what she did to DH's sons, but I wasn't going to put her down in front of her kids. Plus the behavior of cutting her down accomplished nothing, so I didn't want to be a part of it. 

It was hard to stop it completely as bm would do her best to find out when and where DH's family functions were so she could make an appearance.  She was of course forcibly removed each and every time. But that poured fuel on the fire for the bad mouthing to continue.  I felt bad the boys had to witness their bm acting a fool, over and over and over again.  At least they couldn't also add that SM took to name calling and berating their bm behind her back.  Because I didn't take part in it. 

Now that the kids are grown adults, DH's siblings will mention to them how awful their bm was/is, and give examples. Not every time they see them, but often enough.  I don't get involved since they are grown and can speak for themselves now.  Not my monkeys, not my circus. KWIM?

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 12:28 PM

Oh I get it,MIL and SIL were the same way-when DH and BM were together-life was great-but once they found out she was fucking Douche bag while pregnant with DH's son-they trashed her every chance they had.

According to them-she couldn't do anything right as a wife,a mother,person etc.

It got to the point where I said enough was enough and avoided them. They expected me to be on their side in bashing her...I've met the woman....spent time with her,got to know her...she's made mistakes,fucked up a few times,did some shady shit,but who hasn't!?

Quoting twinklebites:


They actually didn't say anything bad about her parenting, maybe because the kids are grown , I suppose. They just kept harping on how crappy she was to SO and they didn't" see them as a couple. They didn't understand it. Hmmm not quite sure  you have to understand it!

Quoting Tigress22304: Dear God the first time I met DH"s sister (which is weird considering he and I grew up as neighbors) it was at my SS's first birthday party-her and MIL sat there and did the same thing. Compared our looks and everything an kept trashing her as a person and as a mother to the point I was scared to meet her! That just shows what kind if people they are,try to avoid tht trainwreck




leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 21, 2014 at 12:33 PM

Don't judge them on this one meeting, my MIL trashed BM to me and that doesn't happen anymore. I think she wanted me to feel comfortable that she was on my side not BM's and she thought that was the best way to let me know that.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)