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How far is too far??

Posted by on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:11 AM
  • 23 Replies

To move away form a child? Just curious. 

I recently finished school and got a job 15 minutes away from where we currently live. It's about 20 minutes from BM's, where SD lives. Currently we live 10 minutes from BM. The CO says DO/PU is to be split 50/50, and there are NO stipulations at all in CO for moving. Since we are buying, we broadened our search area to about half an hour away drive, max, from our jobs. So at the most, it'd be 1/2 an hour to MAYBE 40 minutes drive to get SD, IF we picked at house at the edge of our range. BM is pissed that we MIGHT move that far away, and is threatening to go back to mediation over this. So, is this too far in general, or just BM? Those who have something about moving in your CO, what is the time/miles frame??

by on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:11 AM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:19 AM
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I do have a moving stipulation in my order. The NCP can move wherever he would like to move. But visitation changes after 100 miles. He does transportation any way so it's up to him how far he wants to travel back and forth for transportation.

I cannot move outside of the county that we live in without permission and if I move, I become responsible for transportation.

I'm betting that mom doesn't want to do 1/2 hour drive. I sure would not. So yeah, that would bother me. If I have to share transportation and the other parent moves away and it becomes an inconvenience for ME and my family then yeah I would take that back to court and ask that I no longer be responsible for transportation.

That's nearly an hour round trip. There is no way I would be happy about that.
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Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:19 AM

I think it depends on the custody arrangement.

If your DH has EOWE then 40 minutes isn't a big deal. If he has school days, it might be a bit of an issue.

With say 50/50 visitation or school night visitation, I'd say anything more than 30 minutes or so is too far, only because it's more difficult for the child and the parent. They both have to get up even earlier, the child is further away from friends and any EC, etc. 

elisesmom922
by Silver Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:24 AM

She doesn't want to do the drive, and she can't "just check on SD". I can count on one hand how many times BM has actually done pu/do. But it would take more than all my fingers and toes to count the "check ups" just to be nosy. DH has every weekend and all holidays, and 50% of the summer.

Quoting momof2ex1: I do have a moving stipulation in my order. The NCP can move wherever he would like to move. But visitation changes after 100 miles. He does transportation any way so it's up to him how far he wants to travel back and forth for transportation. I cannot move outside of the county that we live in without permission and if I move, I become responsible for transportation. I'm betting that mom doesn't want to do 1/2 hour drive. I sure would not. So yeah, that would bother me. If I have to share transportation and the other parent moves away and it becomes an inconvenience for ME and my family then yeah I would take that back to court and ask that I no longer be responsible for transportation. That's nearly an hour round trip. There is no way I would be happy about that.


elisesmom922
by Silver Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:27 AM

DH has every weekend, all holidays, and 50% of summer. Like I said in other reply, BM just wants to be able to be nosy easily. BM rarely does pu/do. Either we do it all, or BM's parents do it, b/c there is almost always an excuse. We'd like to find a home where we live now, but the prices are high, and get a lil cheaper as you go out.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I think it depends on the custody arrangement.

If your DH has EOWE then 40 minutes isn't a big deal. If he has school days, it might be a bit of an issue.With say 50/50 visitation or school night visitation, I'd say anything more than 30 minutes or so is too far, only because it's more difficult for the child and the parent. They both have to get up even earlier, the child is further away from friends and any EC, etc. 


wise.toes
by Silver Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:31 AM
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i think that's reasonable.

perhaps exchanges can be done at a halfway point? that's what we do now. seems silly to me since we're both doing the same amount of driving but whatever! lol 

i personally don't want to ever live in the same neighbourhood as my ex. way too close for comfort. there's literally never a chance i'll run into him or his girlfriend at the stores in my area. we're about a 40min drive through the city or a 25min if i go around it. =)

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:43 AM

I drive 30-45 minutes for everything where I live. That's nothing to me.  Exact distances would vary by situation.

But I do think if you move, you pay transport unless you come to some other agreement.

DDDaysh
by on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:45 AM

If you move a decent distance away, increasing the driving by more than say 50% of what it was previously, she may be successful in getting the driving put all on you.  Or she may not.  It really depends what the standards are for your area. 

Personally, if I was ever an NCP, I doubt I could move more than maybe an hour away from my kid.  Where I live people commute about an hour away daily, so I still figure that's a reasonable distance to stay actively involved.  Anything more, however, and I wouldn't do it. 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:46 AM
Then why did you bring up pick up and drop off in your post if she doesn't do them?

I like knowing where my kids are. Sorry. But they are my heart walking outside of my body and just because they are with someone else, doesn't mean I don't worry or think about them.

My husband had my son tonight. I checked up on them. I'm a mom. Shoot me.

Forget my opinion. It doesn't seem you really wanted to know how far too far was after all.


Quoting elisesmom922:

She doesn't want to do the drive, and she can't "just check on SD". I can count on one hand how many times BM has actually done pu/do. But it would take more than all my fingers and toes to count the "check ups" just to be nosy. DH has every weekend and all holidays, and 50% of the summer.

Quoting momof2ex1: I do have a moving stipulation in my order. The NCP can move wherever he would like to move. But visitation changes after 100 miles. He does transportation any way so it's up to him how far he wants to travel back and forth for transportation.

I cannot move outside of the county that we live in without permission and if I move, I become responsible for transportation.

I'm betting that mom doesn't want to do 1/2 hour drive. I sure would not. So yeah, that would bother me. If I have to share transportation and the other parent moves away and it becomes an inconvenience for ME and my family then yeah I would take that back to court and ask that I no longer be responsible for transportation.

That's nearly an hour round trip. There is no way I would be happy about that.

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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 12:49 AM
Ugh my commute is only 18 miles to work each day. Takes me 45 minutes!!

I hate it. There is no way in hell I would move some places. My dad was telling me today that he went to a job site over by where ex and I used to live which is where he and sm currently live. I've not been to the area in a while. It's only 20 minutes from me. My dad said it took him almost an hour just to get from my area to that area because the traffic has gotten so bad.

I cannot imagine having to do that every other weekend. And we live relatively close to each other. Miles wise. Traffic just sucks right now. Too many people and not enough road.


Quoting DDDaysh:

If you move a decent distance away, increasing the driving by more than say 50% of what it was previously, she may be successful in getting the driving put all on you.  Or she may not.  It really depends what the standards are for your area. 

Personally, if I was ever an NCP, I doubt I could move more than maybe an hour away from my kid.  Where I live people commute about an hour away daily, so I still figure that's a reasonable distance to stay actively involved.  Anything more, however, and I wouldn't do it. 

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jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 23, 2014 at 2:20 AM
Well, XH used to live 25 miles from me (where we used to live when married) after the divorce. Sometimes the commute was 25 minutes, sometimes it was over an hour. BF did all of the commuting because he moved away.

A few years ago they moved about 50 miles away. He asked that I meet half way. I do not like it but I did it to keep the peace and it wasn't a hill I was willing to die on. Now I drive near where they used to live but I set the new exchange time for less traffic.

I'm in SoCal where most often we give directions in time of commute rather than miles since it depends on the time of day you are making the drive and the day of the week as much as it depends on the route you are taking. You could drive 15 miles out of your way to save 25 minutes sitting in bumper to bumper traffic here. ;)

In my situation the distance you are considering doesn't sound unreasonable but if I lived other places it might. Often when one isn't moves they are
responsible for transportation but not always.
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