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I Feel Like Giving Up ETA

Posted by on Aug. 25, 2014 at 1:49 PM
  • 41 Replies

 We are custodial to my DSD, who is 8 and has ODD, so it is VERY hard, to say the least.

We just moved into a new house, where she and my four year old DD share a room. They each have their own bed, but the room is small, so there is not a lot of space.

Yesterday, DH went in there and moved DSD's bed, to "Give them each their own play space."

There was NO room in there for them to play. None.

So I went to move DD's bed, and found, in DSD's 'space' a TON of DD's toys, all separated and hidden from DD.

Now she's throwing a fit, took the mattress off DD's bed and is not allowing DD or DS in the bedroom. She is screaming and just going out of her way to be a pill.

I don't know what to do.

Seriously, I'm so lost and just... ugh!

 

She's getting older and her fits aren't stopping, instead, they are getting worse. She throws fits whenever she doesn't get her way, and I just don't know how I'm going to deal with it as she gets older.

I am physically stronger than she is right now, but when she's a teen, I just don't know...

HELP!! 

 

ETA: I made a group for ODD support, if anyone is interested in joining.

by on Aug. 25, 2014 at 1:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 25, 2014 at 1:57 PM

What therapy is she in for her ODD? What therapy are you and DH in to help her with her ODD?  If it's not working, talk to the therapist about other methods or retraining you to help her deal with it.  Perhaps it's the new move, the new location, and she needs time to adjust (more time than you've given her so far)? 

Did DD miss the toys?  I realize that's not the point but if you make it a bigger deal than it is, perhaps that's causing some undue stress as well? 

Take the door off the bedroom if she won't let DD in there.  Does DS need to be in the room? 

DDDaysh
by on Aug. 25, 2014 at 2:40 PM

First and foremost - get help and training!  ODD is NOT for the faint of heart.  Is SD in therapy?  If not - get her in.  If she is in therapy, see if the therapist will do a session with you and your husband to help train you guys on strategies. 

In the interim, read 1-2-3 Magic.  While it doesn't solve everything, it really is "magic" for some things.  Mostly it helps you just get your head right so that you're not fighting battles that simply don't need to be fought. 

Also, can you redo the bedroom assignments and have your DD and DS share a room instead of having the girls share.  Having your SD have her own room, a space she can go to chill down and can be restricted without worrying about what she's destroying will be important for your sanity long term. 

CFSTBSM27
by on Aug. 25, 2014 at 3:36 PM
3 moms liked this
I had no idea being a brat had a scientific term
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Aug. 25, 2014 at 3:40 PM
3 moms liked this
ODD is significantly more thsn being a brat.

OP, get this kid in therapy.

Quoting CFSTBSM27: I had no idea being a brat had a scientific term
littlepinkrose
by on Aug. 25, 2014 at 3:54 PM

I would say get her in therapy and some people need medication it is not such a bad thing.  Also try putting a sheet down the middle of the room and that they can have their own space and that they need to ask permission before they enter or get something from the others space.

tiafez
by Silver Member on Aug. 25, 2014 at 4:03 PM

I have no advice but I know many of our fellow SMs and BMs do. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about youand hoping you find a way to make life easier for all of you!!

Sandiekd21
by Member on Aug. 25, 2014 at 6:36 PM

 She is not in therapy, unfortunately, and neither are we.
When she goes into a meltdown, we usually take her to her room and close the door. She knows she can come out when she is finished.

No, at that moment, DD did not know the toys were 'missing', but we had just got the toys all unpacked and she didn't really see them before DSD hid them.

DS has his own room, but they all like to play together (when DSD isn't having a meltdown) and the only rules for them playing in each other's bedrooms is that their toys stay in their respective bedrooms- no toys in the wrong room.

Quoting jules2boys:

What therapy is she in for her ODD? What therapy are you and DH in to help her with her ODD?  If it's not working, talk to the therapist about other methods or retraining you to help her deal with it.  Perhaps it's the new move, the new location, and she needs time to adjust (more time than you've given her so far)? 

Did DD miss the toys?  I realize that's not the point but if you make it a bigger deal than it is, perhaps that's causing some undue stress as well? 

Take the door off the bedroom if she won't let DD in there.  Does DS need to be in the room? 

 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 25, 2014 at 6:44 PM

Why isn't she in therapy?  Did an MD diagnose the ODD or is this what you, BF, or BM think she has?  If diagnosed by a doctor, there should be some therapy for her, and the adults in her life too.  If diagnosed by you, BF, or BM, well, I'd take her to the doctor to see if this is truly ODD or if there are other issues (like a lack of discipline in the homes or lack of consistency or something else lacking that causes her to act out in such a way at her age). 

The therapy could benefit all of you.  It'll help show all of you how to combat her meltdowns and perhaps even how to avoid them.  She needs to learn a new set of coping skills that are age appropriate (writing in a journal perhaps, drawing, taking up kick boxing or some other physical activity to get her frustrations out on an object and NOT on a sibling or in another inappropriate manner.  I don't have specific knowledge about ODD, just defiant children in general (not diagnosed) and things that have worked over the years.  Just tossing out some suggestions but my first suggestion would be to start with the doctor that diagnosed her and go from there.  Also, pick up some books on kids with ODD and try some of the methods used to help the child, and the parents.  I'm sure there are a number of options out there. 

Quoting Sandiekd21:

 She is not in therapy, unfortunately, and neither are we.When she goes into a meltdown, we usually take her to her room and close the door. She knows she can come out when she is finished.

No, at that moment, DD did not know the toys were 'missing', but we had just got the toys all unpacked and she didn't really see them before DSD hid them.

DS has his own room, but they all like to play together (when DSD isn't having a meltdown) and the only rules for them playing in each other's bedrooms is that their toys stay in their respective bedrooms- no toys in the wrong room.

Quoting jules2boys:

What therapy is she in for her ODD? What therapy are you and DH in to help her with her ODD?  If it's not working, talk to the therapist about other methods or retraining you to help her deal with it.  Perhaps it's the new move, the new location, and she needs time to adjust (more time than you've given her so far)? 

Did DD miss the toys?  I realize that's not the point but if you make it a bigger deal than it is, perhaps that's causing some undue stress as well? 

Take the door off the bedroom if she won't let DD in there.  Does DS need to be in the room? 

 


DDDaysh
by on Aug. 25, 2014 at 6:54 PM
Get her in therapy immediately. Seriously, it makes a big difference, especially for the adults, because the therapist can see what works and what doesn't.

She's just gone through a major change with the move. Outbursts are common.


Though it can be really hard, you have to try to separate the behavior and the child. She acts the way she does because of her disorder, and it's important to remember that she's still just a kid who wants love, safety, and approval.


Quoting Sandiekd21:

 She is not in therapy, unfortunately, and neither are we.When she goes into a meltdown, we usually take her to her room and close the door. She knows she can come out when she is finished.


No, at that moment, DD did not know the toys were 'missing', but we had just got the toys all unpacked and she didn't really see them before DSD hid them.


DS has his own room, but they all like to play together (when DSD isn't having a meltdown) and the only rules for them playing in each other's bedrooms is that their toys stay in their respective bedrooms- no toys in the wrong room.


Quoting jules2boys:

What therapy is she in for her ODD? What therapy are you and DH in to help her with her ODD?  If it's not working, talk to the therapist about other methods or retraining you to help her deal with it.  Perhaps it's the new move, the new location, and she needs time to adjust (more time than you've given her so far)? 


Did DD miss the toys?  I realize that's not the point but if you make it a bigger deal than it is, perhaps that's causing some undue stress as well? 


Take the door off the bedroom if she won't let DD in there.  Does DS need to be in the room? 


 

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Aug. 25, 2014 at 6:54 PM

I agree with trying 123 magic. It give a good easy to read and follow way to be consistent.  Things won't be easy, but people get through it all the time with the right knowledge and support.  It will help to be proactive about things and set things up so she can succeed. Eliminate as many possibilities for her causing trouble as possible.  GEt therapy and see if you can get some in home therapy.  Check out some parenting classes. There are several that are helpful. And it's not a sign of weakness to take one. There's always something you'll pick up. If not from the curriculum then from other parents.  You can also look for support groups in your area,

Quoting Sandiekd21:

 She is not in therapy, unfortunately, and neither are we.When she goes into a meltdown, we usually take her to her room and close the door. She knows she can come out when she is finished.

No, at that moment, DD did not know the toys were 'missing', but we had just got the toys all unpacked and she didn't really see them before DSD hid them.

DS has his own room, but they all like to play together (when DSD isn't having a meltdown) and the only rules for them playing in each other's bedrooms is that their toys stay in their respective bedrooms- no toys in the wrong room.

Quoting jules2boys:

What therapy is she in for her ODD? What therapy are you and DH in to help her with her ODD?  If it's not working, talk to the therapist about other methods or retraining you to help her deal with it.  Perhaps it's the new move, the new location, and she needs time to adjust (more time than you've given her so far)? 

Did DD miss the toys?  I realize that's not the point but if you make it a bigger deal than it is, perhaps that's causing some undue stress as well? 

Take the door off the bedroom if she won't let DD in there.  Does DS need to be in the room? 

 


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