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Can a SM avoid blame?

Posted by on Aug. 29, 2014 at 4:59 PM
  • 75 Replies

So Glock said in another post basically said that BM and DH's actions will cause me to be seen negatively by SS. Do you agree that an uninvolved SM with very little interaction with her stepchild can end up being blamed for the distance in any relationship with his non-custodial father? How can a NCSM avoid being blamed for the actions of the parents? 

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

by on Aug. 29, 2014 at 4:59 PM
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Replies (1-10):
babie113
by Bronze Member on Aug. 29, 2014 at 5:09 PM
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Only he should be blamed .I mean if I tryed to stop my hubby seeing his other kids he would probably tell me to suck a big toe .and rightly so.

I would never and have never done anything to prevent him spending time with his kids .in fact I encourage it.I remind him to go see them .

I think some sms really dont like to share time .but a lot dont mind either way and are just used as a scapegoat .sadly sometimes its because the dad actually puts the blame on his wife to save face or bm just assumes sm is behind it .

But either way the blamr is on him imo

CFSTBSM27
by on Aug. 29, 2014 at 5:15 PM
4 moms liked this
Sure they can be "blamed" but it doesn't mean it's their fault. A fathers relationship with their child is 100% THEIR responsibility
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 29, 2014 at 5:16 PM
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Of course, the Dad is to be blamed but as SM I would really prefer to be blamed for something that I had actually done than for just minding my own business.

Quoting babie113: Only he should be blamed .I mean if I tryed to stop my hubby seeing his other kids he would probably tell me to suck a big toe .and rightly so. I would never and have never done anything to prevent him spending time with his kids .in fact I encourage it.I remind him to go see them . I think some sms really dont like to share time .but a lot dont mind either way and are just used as a scapegoat .sadly sometimes its because the dad actually puts the blame on his wife to save face or bm just assumes sm is behind it . But either way the blamr is on him imo


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Aug. 29, 2014 at 5:20 PM
1 mom liked this
I think it depends.

I had a VERY uninvolved NCSM. And a very uninvolved BD. My BD helped raise his SS. He's been with my SM since I was about 3 or 4 and his SS was 2 or 3.

I don't blame my SM at all. I blame my BD for his choices in life.
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 29, 2014 at 5:22 PM

Did your Mom influence who you held responsible? 

Quoting Tinkerbellmama: I think it depends. I had a VERY uninvolved NCSM. And a very uninvolved BD. My BD helped raise his SS. He's been with my SM since I was about 3 or 4 and his SS was 2 or 3. I don't blame my SM at all. I blame my BD for his choices in life.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Aug. 29, 2014 at 5:22 PM
3 moms liked this
In your case yes I fully believe your ss will come to resent you. Because he will know that you have played a role in the distance in his life between himself and his father (not physically obviously) by limiting how much interaction ss has in his father's home, by denying him his siblings, and especially by forcing his dad to have him and his mom kicked out of the home he has been in since birth.

I agree this is a dad problem, however- dad is a spineless jellyfish who should have put you in check or put you out a long time ago rather than allow you to treat his son like a second class citizen.
soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Aug. 29, 2014 at 5:25 PM
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I think that your SS is going to see you as the reason he did not have a fully active father in his life and he wouldn't be wrong. However, your dh in the end is the one to blame for that because he could have told you to take a hike instead of doing what he did, but his son will probably want to avoid laying all the blame on him so he will resent you instead.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 29, 2014 at 5:28 PM
2 moms liked this

I think you are a stepchild with outstanding issues so being the better person, I will forgive your false assumptions.

A few weekends ago, SS visited and he didn't want to leave  my home, he spent a day playing with his half-siblings and even chatting with me so I really don't know what you are talking about. You sound a little crazy.

Quoting luckystars2012: In your case yes I fully believe your ss will come to resent you. Because he will know that you have played a role in the distance in his life between himself and his father (not physically obviously) by limiting how much interaction ss has in his father's home, by denying him his siblings, and especially by forcing his dad to have him and his mom kicked out of the home he has been in since birth. I agree this is a dad problem, however- dad is a spineless jellyfish who should have put you in check or put you out a long time ago rather than allow you to treat his son like a second class citizen.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Aug. 29, 2014 at 5:34 PM
1 mom liked this

How did I prevent DH from being fully active in his son's lives? Did I cause BM to deny access? 

Quoting soonergirl980:

I think that your SS is going to see you as the reason he did not have a fully active father in his life and he wouldn't be wrong. However, your dh in the end is the one to blame for that because he could have told you to take a hike instead of doing what he did, but his son will probably want to avoid laying all the blame on him so he will resent you instead.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

annabl1970
by Gold Member on Aug. 29, 2014 at 5:34 PM
Yes
When you are dealing with hostile "blame-shifting-never taking responsibility for her own actions" type of revengeful BM. Add to mix a older child, who is still kind of loyal to his/her mom, but started to analyze/question her behavior towards her/his dad
In that scenario, SPs, especially, NCSMs are easy target. Child doesn't have much loyalty towards them, it's easier for BM to make a child to believe that SMs is "bad one" than to place a blame on BF or admitted the truth - take a responsibly for her own actions.
I am living it now.
Since SD become older and more protective of relationship with her dad, I am the main target of her lies it's " all Anna's fault" lol
It's not like she hates DH less, she hates him the same, but she is very careful in openly expressing it to SD.
IDK how you can avoid it:(
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