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How much should a parent put up with?

Posted by on Aug. 30, 2014 at 5:27 PM
  • 28 Replies
Control and manipulation from a child/pre-teen? Ss12 likes to say DH is a bad father, is stupid, lowlife, etc when he's not getting his way. DH tells ss he's not putting up with thus behavior and leaves the place that ss is acting out at. Then ss ask for forgiveness and DH tells him no. Ss does this all the time. DH has told ss therapist about this continuos issue but nothing changes. Ss is autistic and high functioning. He knows what he is doing and won't leave DH along until he accepts the apology.
by on Aug. 30, 2014 at 5:27 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Leigh84
by Silver Member on Aug. 30, 2014 at 6:13 PM
I have no experience w/autism however; a lot of teens and pre-teens will try manipulation tactics to see what they can get away with. I think if your SS apologized your DH should accept his appology.
WLA_diva
by Member on Aug. 30, 2014 at 6:36 PM
1 mom liked this

This is (or used to be) my DH's life, too, except without the autism and the apology.  I know we SMs are not supposed to get involved in a parent/child relationship, but I could not/will not allow such disrespect to ANYONE in my home.  When I stood up to SD20 telling me what a horrible father he is (just because she could not get her way), that was the exact moment I became a horrible SM and totally walked into BM's set-up.  After almost 4 years of a consistently very good relationship with SD20, I have become the scapegoat and one of the reasons for the girls not wanting to come over.  

<shrug>  I feel very badly for the deterioration of the relationship, but if DH had made different decisions (such as not letting the tail wag the dog), then perhaps he (and I) would not be in this situation.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Aug. 30, 2014 at 7:00 PM

I'm a BM, I'm not a SM, and neither of my children have autism so maybe I'm missing something, but why is DH not forgiving his DS12 when the boy is asking for forgiveness? 

I have friends who have children (mostly boys but not all) with autism, on different spectrums of autism but mostly high functioning.  The control and manipulation aren't from the same place as those emotions would be for children without autism, according to them.  Is there some reason you and DH feel that his behavior is not somehow a symptom of his autism, his inability to understand empathy, emotion and such the same way a child without autism would understand it?  (I'm not judging, I'm asking)

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Aug. 30, 2014 at 8:52 PM
3 moms liked this

Has anyone tried a social story? Or sitting him down and explaining exactly what it means to say those kinds of things and that "I'm sorry" doesn't erase the hurt feelings and everything?

Kids with Autism need routine, they need to know and understand that the same rules ALWAYS apply, and that there will ALWAYS be a consequence for breaking the rules. Give in once, and that work is gone. From other posts, it doesn't seem like there's a lot of consistency with rules and expectations. And I'd say THAT is the biggest problem.

All kids think "I'm sorry" is a get out of jail free card. He needs to be taught that it's not. 

MBanks524
by Gold Member on Aug. 30, 2014 at 8:53 PM
The child should be forgiven. Even with being high on the spectrum the autism itself causes the child to not know social cues like kids without autism. To me this is wrong. Children with autism are very smart but that doesn't necessarily mean they know how to purposely manipulate someone. Is he learning this from someone? How is he socially?
OvertiredMommy
by Member on Aug. 30, 2014 at 10:41 PM
1 mom liked this
As the mom of a,now 24 year old autistic son. I know that sometimes they act out , unable to control it, and then are generally sorry afterwards.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Aug. 30, 2014 at 11:51 PM
3 moms liked this
Maybe your husband needs training in parenting a child with autism so he can learn how to better deal with his son.
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othermomforD
by Member on Aug. 31, 2014 at 4:44 AM
Ss likes to see the cal trains and freight trains. DH takes him there 2x a week. Yesterday DH told ss he had to take him earlier due to he had to take his mom over to meet his sister. We had to drive 45 minutes away to meet his sister. The train ss wanted to see was at 8:45pm.
Ss got mad cause he couldn't see the extra trains as they only pass by every 30 minutes at night. This is when he starts calling DH names. Ss video takes there trains on his phone and I pad. All his recordings are the same.
Anytime ss doesn't get to see his trains or how many he wants, then the ugliness appears. He will later apologize and then does it again. It's a pattern with him. It's very boring to wait over 1 hr to wait for trains as I have taken ss before so DH can have a break.
DH doesn't always accept the apology as ss will do the same thing over and over again. Tinkerbellmama is correct that constancy has been a big problem. Ss has been in dual household from 1/09 to 3/13. He went to live with bm fulltime from 3/13 to 8/13. Then went live with DH and I on weekends only from 9/13 to 11/13. Now he lives with DH and I full time. Ss therapist recommended this because ss threaten to kill the family dog at bm house and bm said she was scared of him. Ss has pushed bm and sf but never did anything like that to DH and I.
Ss has learned a lot of his behavior from bm. Bm would tell ss that DH doesn't buy him anything to dh will die soon. A previous post I wrote that ss has threaten to kill me and had a plastic bag ready to place over my head. Ss has pulled a knife on his sf and had threaten to kill other kids at his school. His patterns when he says things is after he was with bm.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Aug. 31, 2014 at 4:54 AM
1 mom liked this
Sounds like the trigger is having his expected routine changed at the last minute without any prep work.

This sounds like a parenting fail to me. Does anyone in this kid's life understand Autism?

Quoting othermomforD: Ss likes to see the cal trains and freight trains. DH takes him there 2x a week. Yesterday DH told ss he had to take him earlier due to he had to take his mom over to meet his sister. We had to drive 45 minutes away to meet his sister. The train ss wanted to see was at 8:45pm.
Ss got mad cause he couldn't see the extra trains as they only pass by every 30 minutes at night. This is when he starts calling DH names. Ss video takes there trains on his phone and I pad. All his recordings are the same.
Anytime ss doesn't get to see his trains or how many he wants, then the ugliness appears. He will later apologize and then does it again. It's a pattern with him. It's very boring to wait over 1 hr to wait for trains as I have taken ss before so DH can have a break.
DH doesn't always accept the apology as ss will do the same thing over and over again. Tinkerbellmama is correct that constancy has been a big problem. Ss has been in dual household from 1/09 to 3/13. He went to live with bm fulltime from 3/13 to 8/13. Then went live with DH and I on weekends only from 9/13 to 11/13. Now he lives with DH and I full time. Ss therapist recommended this because ss threaten to kill the family dog at bm house and bm said she was scared of him. Ss has pushed bm and sf but never did anything like that to DH and I.
Ss has learned a lot of his behavior from bm. Bm would tell ss that DH doesn't buy him anything to dh will die soon. A previous post I wrote that ss has threaten to kill me and had a plastic bag ready to place over my head. Ss has pulled a knife on his sf and had threaten to kill other kids at his school. His patterns when he says things is after he was with bm.
csxt99
by on Aug. 31, 2014 at 4:57 AM
1 mom liked this

Use the plate breaking as a visual for just how useless saying sorry is when he keeps doing the same shit over and over, then thinks an apology will make it all honky dory.

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