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What would you do differently?

Posted by on Sep. 2, 2014 at 2:41 AM
  • 36 Replies
1 mom liked this
I've been a SM for over 6 years now and I'll admit I made plenty of mistakes in the beginning. I truly didn't know what to expect or how to behave as a SM. I know now that I overstepped at times and even though I truly had the best intentions, I did screw up.

Luckily for me, bm and I have always had a pretty great relationship and if I stepped on her toes she'd let me know but never in a nasty way. I would always apologize and try and not make the same mistake twice. I can honestly admit I do still make mistakes sometimes (they are much fewer and farther between) but I'm blessed to have an amazing relationship with my skids, my dh, and even bm.

After reading a lot on this site I look back and think I wish I'd not let my dh's expectations of me rule the way I acted. I wish I would have left more of the parenting on his shoulders instead of allowing it to be put on me. I wish that, at least in the beginning, I would have left the discipline to him.

So my questions for all of you....When you look back do you wish you had done something different? If so, what would you have done differently? Do you feel like your mistakes in the beginning have continued to negatively affect your relationship with sk's or bm?
by on Sep. 2, 2014 at 2:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Sep. 2, 2014 at 8:18 AM
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I wish I had BM arrested when she assaulted me, that is my biggest regret, and yes it has negatively affected how I view her child, in terms of my keeping my distance, I have only recently started to let go a bit.

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

tiafez
by Silver Member on Sep. 2, 2014 at 8:24 AM
1 mom liked this

I think I'm okay with how things went, I guess I'd not change anything. 

jojojack
by Bronze Member on Sep. 2, 2014 at 9:10 AM
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Thinking back of all the times I had "bitten my tongue " with bm and now sometimes even with dh About the way she parents and the way skids have behaved in the past and still do now. With no consequences ever it's dh's fault too but it is hard to enforce a grounding or punishment in any way if he only has them EOWE and one night or so for dinner
I don't get involved anymore
I let dh handle it I gave up.
Had I pushed the issue would things be any different? Who knows.
They are often rude to me and my family I mean simple things like saying hello when people come in and goodbye when you leave or saying thank you by calling or sending a thank you card for gifts from the guests attending a sweet 16 party or gifts that people have sent in the mail for birthdays and Christmas. The skids tear open the cards take the money and leave the cards dropped wherever they were standing at the time.
They act like animals often. Sad for them I dread taking them anywhere. We often don't get invited anywhere because of the way they have acted up in front of people over the years
People will actually try to make plans with us on weekends we don't have skids

They embarrassed dh over the weekend getting into a fight at a huge family event ( my family)
My dd came running to get him ss 14 had Sd 12 in a headlock SD then bit SS hard enough to break skin and cause bleeding. Ss then hauled off and cracked sd across the face. This was all in full view of about 60 people.
Sucks for him but like I said if I had pushed the issue would it have changed anything?
NotARockStar
by Member on Sep. 2, 2014 at 9:16 AM
1 mom liked this

I would have stopped myself from buying them everything they wanted. I would have encouraged DH to do the same. We have ended up with spoiled, entitled, children who expect everything to be handed to them and that walk all over me as if I'm a doormat.

ManicAttack
by on Sep. 2, 2014 at 9:25 AM
2 moms liked this

Honestly, it has nothing to do with the role I played, but more of the role DH played.  I wish I had known that he was playing the "Disney Dad" role.  He was a good parent but he let BM take the lead in everything and rarely voiced his opinions on anything because she would disagree and act like she was Mother of the Century, when she was just as bad with Disney parenting and is now learning her lesson.

Had I known all of this, I probably would have held off moving in with DH and putting our lives together.  We probably wouldn't have had so many problems in the beginning.

I still married his ass, though, and I don't regret it.  :)

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Sep. 2, 2014 at 9:34 AM
3 moms liked this

I have a similar history as you described. Early over-jealousness, and I let my DH put too much of the burden on me.  But, I have done more things right then wrong, because I did change and adapt as I learned more about steplife.  So I don't think my mistakes in the beginning have continued to negatively affect my relationships with the stepkids (maybe with BM, who knows).  I changed in time.But had I not changed, my actions would definitely have destroyed my step relationships.

You have to forgive yourself and do the best you can, now.

Sept-babies2
by Patriot's Fan on Sep. 2, 2014 at 10:28 AM
2 moms liked this
I guess I regret that I did so much at first for dh. I felt overwhelmed and I also regret not telling him how I felt. I regret a few things..but I love dh and sd..I think things would have been easier if I didnt watch her every day eow at first. I should have got to know sd first.
I do feel like things could be better..but I blame myself..for the attitude I had about things and never speaking up about how I felt to dh.
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Sep. 2, 2014 at 10:32 AM
3 moms liked this
Omg. SO would have beat his kids. We took them on vac w my fam and they were angels. They ony act up for us lol.

Quoting jojojack: Thinking back of all the times I had "bitten my tongue " with bm and now sometimes even with dh About the way she parents and the way skids have behaved in the past and still do now. With no consequences ever it's dh's fault too but it is hard to enforce a grounding or punishment in any way if he only has them EOWE and one night or so for dinner
I don't get involved anymore
I let dh handle it I gave up.
Had I pushed the issue would things be any different? Who knows.
They are often rude to me and my family I mean simple things like saying hello when people come in and goodbye when you leave or saying thank you by calling or sending a thank you card for gifts from the guests attending a sweet 16 party or gifts that people have sent in the mail for birthdays and Christmas. The skids tear open the cards take the money and leave the cards dropped wherever they were standing at the time.
They act like animals often. Sad for them I dread taking them anywhere. We often don't get invited anywhere because of the way they have acted up in front of people over the years
People will actually try to make plans with us on weekends we don't have skids

They embarrassed dh over the weekend getting into a fight at a huge family event ( my family)
My dd came running to get him ss 14 had Sd 12 in a headlock SD then bit SS hard enough to break skin and cause bleeding. Ss then hauled off and cracked sd across the face. This was all in full view of about 60 people.
Sucks for him but like I said if I had pushed the issue would it have changed anything?
cdrainey3
by Cher on Sep. 2, 2014 at 11:09 AM
2 moms liked this
I would have not been such a control freak. My dh never just let me deal with things, he was always willing and ready, ss is his kid and all. But I insisted on doing it. Bm is controlling too, so she prefered talking with and planning things with me. So many mistakes. We took over and ended up down each others throats. Now I've learned to let dh parent with bm, after all he's the idiot that pro created with her. Seems only fair. I now have zero communication with bm and have nothing to do with ss unless he is in my home. I wish I would of done all of this from the beginning.
wise.toes
by Silver Member on Sep. 2, 2014 at 11:26 AM
1 mom liked this

i wish i didn't expect that BM and i were going to be friends...OR that i'd be a better "mommy" than she was.

the woman still refuses to acknowledge my existence two years later and she stepped up her mom game when i became a regular part of stepsons' lives. (which is all fine and dandy to me now. i have enough of my ex drama to deal with, without adding hers too!)

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