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Ever feel used?

Posted by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 11:30 AM
  • 65 Replies
2 moms liked this

Just wondering if anyone else ever feels like the birth mom is fine with you whenever she needs you to do something...like pick up the kids or buy something for the kids, etc... but as soon as you try to do something she doesn't want you to do, suddenly you have no "rights" because you are not their "mom"?  It sometimes feels like we do all the work and get very little of the benefits.  Does anyone else feel this and how do you deal with it?  Sometimes it is hard to tell where the "line" is drawn!

by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 11:30 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Oct. 15, 2014 at 11:39 AM
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No, my line is very clear.  I do things in regards for my skids for my husband, not for BM.  I accept that I have no rights and anything I do is done willingly and with love.

For instance, even though I am completely alientaed from SD21 I walked halfway across town to make a deposit into her account for her car loan because DH was in a jam and could not do it himself.  Didn't do it for BM or for SD.  Just for DH.

You need to define your line differently.  Why are you doing things for BM if she treats you that way?  Why would you do things for anyone that treated you poorly?

whatIknownow
by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 12:13 PM
3 moms liked this

Doing Mom a favor here and there, such as picking up the kids, does not mean you now deserve "rights." If you pick up your neighbor's kids for her, do you suddenly have "rights" to her kids?

If you don't want to do favors for her then just stop doing them.

BeckBer
by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 12:14 PM

You are correct.  I guess I get the lines blurred.  I try to make everyone happy...which is impossible.  Need to make myself happy.  I do very much care about my SKs however.  I have co-raised the youngest since he was 2 so really feel attached to him and he to me as well.  He doesn't remember before me and his step dad so to him he has 4 parents.  I don't do the favors for the BM, but I do them for the SKs.  I just have to remember that I am doing it for them and not the BM right?  It is just frustrating when she goes off on dad for things I do.  

Example:  I volunteered us to bring snacks at one of the kid's sports game.  She made up a story that on that weekend the kids would not be at the game and informed us that she changed our snack date!!!   I found out later that not only did she NOT change the snack time, but the kids WERE at the game that weekend!  Why play that game when I was simply volunteering to help the team out and it was nothing to her?  Was she simply trying to get us not to bring the snacks and look like fools to the team and coaches??   I have every right to volunteer right?  

It's like I have to watch my back.  I am in the kid's lives and should be able to participate!

BeckBer
by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 12:22 PM
1 mom liked this

Ok.  If we are talking about "rights"... I understand I don't have legal "rights" to "her" kids if that is what you mean.  

What I am talking about is the fact that I take care of them as a step parent does.  Maybe I don't HAVE to do that, but I do because I love them!  My issue is with a jealous BM I think.  "her" kids love me too!  Most normal people I believe would appreciate that their kids are cared for and loved no matter where they are.  The problem I believe is in the fact that her kids would rather be with me than her!  This is not MY fault....it is hers!  

This is what I have to remember when she is going off on my husband, right?  It is just pettiness.  



packermom4ever
by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 12:36 PM

You complying with a favor doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want, when you want. 

You can say to the favor if you want. You can also just do the favor and look at it like that... a favor, not a door opening to you doing something and acting like the parent needs to just accept that because they asked you to give the kid a ride.

whatIknownow
by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 12:45 PM

Sounds like there was a miscommunication there. Was it her weekend? Why did she say the kids wouldn't be there? Maybe you should just bring the snacks on DH's weekend, then you don't have to worry about whether the kids will be there or not.

Quoting BeckBer:

You are correct.  I guess I get the lines blurred.  I try to make everyone happy...which is impossible.  Need to make myself happy.  I do very much care about my SKs however.  I have co-raised the youngest since he was 2 so really feel attached to him and he to me as well.  He doesn't remember before me and his step dad so to him he has 4 parents.  I don't do the favors for the BM, but I do them for the SKs.  I just have to remember that I am doing it for them and not the BM right?  It is just frustrating when she goes off on dad for things I do.  

Example:  I volunteered us to bring snacks at one of the kid's sports game.  She made up a story that on that weekend the kids would not be at the game and informed us that she changed our snack date!!!   I found out later that not only did she NOT change the snack time, but the kids WERE at the game that weekend!  Why play that game when I was simply volunteering to help the team out and it was nothing to her?  Was she simply trying to get us not to bring the snacks and look like fools to the team and coaches??   I have every right to volunteer right?  

It's like I have to watch my back.  I am in the kid's lives and should be able to participate!


kellynh
by Kelly on Oct. 15, 2014 at 12:50 PM

Not ever.. Not even once... 

BeckBer
by on Oct. 15, 2014 at 1:15 PM
1 mom liked this

Unfortunately, the way our schedule works is we get the kids at 3 pm on Saturdays.  It was our weekend, but we don't have them Saturday mornings, when all the games are scheduled.  Should this matter??  I'm just bringing snacks!   

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Oct. 15, 2014 at 1:16 PM

No. BM and I don't have a relationship so I can't feel that way.  Honestly, I would let her walk all over me like that.

oldproatthis
by Gold Member on Oct. 15, 2014 at 1:18 PM
1 mom liked this
Simple solution...communicate with team mom/coach...if you have issues with BM...get the info from the person in the know...
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