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My SD acts fine and loving here, but at moms says she doesn't like me and cries to not come over.

Posted by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 9:19 PM
  • 19 Replies
Hi everyone!:) I am new here and this is my first post.

My problem is this. Just rescently my SD has had some new behavioral problems. She had always loved to come over and cried to not go to her moms. Well, since about June she hasnt been wanting to come over here. We don't know why as nothing has changed. Her dad and I get along wonderful, and have no financial or other problems. In fact we started planning another baby (in secret of course). We figured her wanting to be with her mom was normal since she was almost 6, her mom lost her job in May, and left a long term relationship. so she had all the time with her mom who now lived at her grandmas with her two adoring Aunts. we just figured she loved the attention. Well, unfortunately in August she stopped eating completely. she eats nothing but juice, pop, milk, and sweets, (candy, cookies, icecream. Dr reccomended counseling which her mom wont take her to because she believes that she doesnt have a problem she thinks we are the problem :/ when she is here everything is fine, she is happy unless we ask her to eat. we play games, watch movies, I do art projects with her alot, and we go out to the zoo, arcade ect. She tells me she loves me and listens to me when I ask her to do little things (her dad does almost all of the discipline) I thought we had a wonderful relationship. well....last nigyt her mom sent me screen shots of messages that my SD had text her new BF. They said that she didnt want to come over because she didnt like me:( He then asked if I was mean, she said "No". He asked questions like what does she do to you?, what does she do to your daddy? she replied "nothing, she just does everything and I dont like it one bit" Her mom text my DH that hershe thinks her eating problems are steming from problems our house, and she thinks that she is too afraid to talk about them. when we ask 'then why havent you taken her to counseling' she says 'because she doesnt have a problem, your house does". We scheduled an appt for her this weekend to talk to someone, since she wont. I am just wanting your opinions on this. I am guessing it is normal for a 6yr old to not like her step mom. Oh...sorry we told her I was expecting when I was 14 weeks, I found out I was expecting at 3 weeks. she has told her mom that since I told her I was expecting ( in sept) that I have treated her different. which is not true. If anything I gave her more attention because she had a hard time with me having our first baby togehter a year and a half ago. What do you all think is going on? What can I do to help? other than keep on giving her attention, and letting her know I care about her? There is honestly nothing going on at our house except me being pregnant, and her behavioral problems started before that. Thanks...I guess I didnt expect it to be so long....
by on Nov. 4, 2014 at 9:19 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mswc101
by Member on Nov. 5, 2014 at 12:22 AM

she is sending text messages at 6 yo? wow. times they are a changing! definately counselling is a good step. She may feel guilty letting her mum (bm) know that she likes it at your place and likes you because it might make her mum sad (this is coming from what SD may be thinking perhaps - not factual) So you and DH have another child together already? I was 10 when my parents split up and i know that i felt guilty telling the other parent that i loved mommy/daddy. See what comes of the counselling session/s.

btw - congrats on bub on the way! xo

runinpinkshoes
by Gold Member on Nov. 5, 2014 at 12:32 AM
What's with the sudden not eating?

Based on what she said about "you do every thing and she doesn't like it", is she feeling loyalty binds towards her mom?

I feel for you, because I know what it's like to be in your place. Just trying to make things happy but not disrupt things. And I'm sure it's hurtful that your good intentions are being misconstrued.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Nov. 5, 2014 at 1:18 AM
I think it is probably common for kids to go through these phases. She may not like you right now and there may just be no reason. You waited 10 weeks to tell her about your pregnancy which was in sept. 10 weeks prior to that you knew you were pregnant - that goes back to June/July when she started acting different? Did I calculate that correctly? While you may have kept it a secret, that doesn't mean that you didn't change in how you treat her. You may have changed and it may not been in a negative way. Maybe you were more tired during your first trimester, even if you tried to mask it, she may have picked up on and because she didn't know why, she internalized it. You may have felt you were keeping yourself in check but maybe you really weren't. But how could you know unless you are that self aware? Sounds like first pregnancy for you? Many of us have been pregnant and I can look back and attest to the fact that you do in fact go through changes. You may not realize it but maybe you were a little more tired, easy to frustrate, sicker than normal, not as active .. Etc Etc.

I don't mean to focus so much on your pregnancy but it seems like there was some change in sd around the same time you found out you were pregnant. You have not connected that together because you didn't verbally tell her about the pregnancy. Doesn't mean she did not sense some sort of change.

It's also very common for kids to be upset, jealous, put off by a new pregnancy. My dd was 6 when I was pregnant with my son. She wasn't always thrilled about the pregnancy and she had a lot of fears that it really don't know where she heard them from. Maybe friends at school or a relative etc. She came around but she was hot and cold most of my pregnancy. And she is my own child.

She spent the first 6 years of her life being an only child and the reality of that change was terrifying for some reason.
6 years doesn't seem like a long time but for her - that is her ENTIRE life. So that's forever for a 6 year old.

You mentioned all of the things that you do with her. She sounds like she receives a lot of attention from a lot of people. It could be that maybe she needs to learn to play independently a few times a day.

I don't know how counseling helps a 6 year old. More likely it will be play therapy. I don't know that I see any major red flag that would signal to me to get her in to a therapist just yet. I wonder if maybe she needs some consistency and some discipline (a firm talking to) about meal time. This age is notorious for playing the food battle with their parents. And more often than not the kids win because the parents don't want the battle. What happens when she refuses to eat? Who gives her the candy? Does she get nothing else the rest of the evening? Does she have to take so many bites before she can leave the table? Who is enforcing any of this if so? Is it you? Or dad? If you are the enforcer, this could also be a reason why now she has decided she doesn't like you. It's just a thought.
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KaylaBug89
by Bronze Member on Nov. 5, 2014 at 5:52 AM
It's tough to say really. My SD's opinion of their parents changes depending on who they're with. When they visit us they complain about their mom, saying she's lazy and makes them do all the cooking and cleaning, etc. Then they go home and tell their mom how horrible we are and that they never want to come back. With them it's all about telling their parents what they think they want to hear. WHe. It comes to their mom they're right, that's part of the reason we're in court right now. It could be that she thinks that she's telling her mom what she wants to hear, it could be the new baby, it's really tough to say. Combined with the not eating it's good you're getting her in to see someone since her mother won't.
whatIknownow
by on Nov. 5, 2014 at 6:33 AM

"she just does everything and I dont like it one bit"

What do you think that means? Do you think she means that you do all the childcare (instead of her dad) and that is what she doesnt like?

How much of her visit is spent one-on-one with Dad?

bottomline
by on Nov. 5, 2014 at 9:05 AM

 It could be that she is having a hard time not being the only child.  At 6 she doesn't truly understand why Dad and Mom aren't together anymore. Now she has to try and understand how Dad can have other children with a woman who is not her Mom.  That is very hard for a 6yr old to put into perspective. Heck, adults struggle with it!

Taking her to counseling may be the best idea here. That way she can talk to an unbiased party who won't judge her for her feelings.  She can work through her "issue" without having to take sides! I hope it works.

Neeq1979
by on Nov. 5, 2014 at 9:28 AM

Welcome Newbie!   :)

It seems like she maybe overloaded on changes and food is the only thing she has any control or power over.   I agree with having her speak to a counselor.
It angers me as well why parents are so against counseling.  It is not a sign of weakness or a reflection on the parent, in fact it shows a sign of strength when people get help for their children or themselves.  If a child had a broken leg, we'd take them to the doctor right?  Same situation, different body part.

JustOneAndDone
by on Nov. 5, 2014 at 9:56 AM
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"If anything I gave her more attention". Maybe THAT is the problem.  My daughter has a "stepmom" (I put that in quotes because she's not married to my ex husband but desperately wants to be) who from day one has just tried WAY to hard with her. They are going on 5 years now and she still acts like a manic Mary Poppins every time she sees my daughter. It's too much. She's not mean, not at all.  She's the opposite - presents every time she sees her (eowe) crafts planned, baking planned, trips planned. She overwhelms her - and I get that her intentions are good, but it is too much and my daughter just tends to ignore her.  Could this be the same?  Could you be trying TOO hard?  When this woman sees my daughter, she gets this manic clown face and starts waving her hands like crazy as if my dd is her long lost BFF she hasn't seen in 20 years.  When dd leaves... She looks at her as if she's going off to war and it might be the last time she ever sees her. It's just over the top.  I just roll my eyes but dd says she's weird she wishes she would just let her be with her dad. 

whatIknownow
by on Nov. 5, 2014 at 10:26 AM

I agree. The child was asked why she didnt' like the SM and her answer was "she just does everything and I dont like it one bit".  So giving her *more* attention does not seem like a logical response.

Quoting JustOneAndDone:

"If anything I gave her more attention". Maybe THAT is the problem.  My daughter has a "stepmom" (I put that in quotes because she's not married to my ex husband but desperately wants to be) who from day one has just tried WAY to hard with her. They are going on 5 years now and she still acts like a manic Mary Poppins every time she sees my daughter. It's too much. She's not mean, not at all.  She's the opposite - presents every time she sees her (eowe) crafts planned, baking planned, trips planned. She overwhelms her - and I get that her intentions are good, but it is too much and my daughter just tends to ignore her.  Could this be the same?  Could you be trying TOO hard?  When this woman sees my daughter, she gets this manic clown face and starts waving her hands like crazy as if my dd is her long lost BFF she hasn't seen in 20 years.  When dd leaves... She looks at her as if she's going off to war and it might be the last time she ever sees her. It's just over the top.  I just roll my eyes but dd says she's weird she wishes she would just let her be with her dad. 


teaching_kids
by Bronze Member on Nov. 5, 2014 at 10:41 AM
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It sounds like she needs help. Plain and simple.
It also sounds like this whole thing started when moms life changed.
She may have been sad moms BF left and mom lost her job and then she comes to your house and things are great and she feels bad for her momma. Loyalty issues for young folks come out in the weirdest ways. She probably does actually like you.

My SD went through so many different stages and most of it was simply-loyalty issues and acting out due to that.
The thing is, if she stopped eating-something is most definitely going on for her that needs professional guidance. It sounds like the issues started when she was 6 and she's older now?

The conversation about blaming you or your house needs to stop and what needs to begin is everyone working together to help this child for real.
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