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I don't know what she is after

Posted by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 7:52 AM
  • 18 Replies
So IT starts, again! Sd (12 almost 13) posted something on her fb that came up on my news feed that made me go look at her page..out of curiosity. She posted this sad little photo tag about not being loved or something or another. Soo I go look at her page just to find what I thought I would find..all of these sad little selfies that she has taken of herself, all the pictures of her mom and all the pictures of them together are gone off of her page. Normally I wouldn't pay any attention to this sort of thing but since she will be here in a couple of weeks I just wonder what she is up to this time?!?


She did this before coming for her spring break and then again before coming over the summer. She complains about her mom the whole time she is here, says that she pay NO attention to her, the mom locks herself in her room, says the moms boyfriends hits on her and throws shoes at her. All of this is a lie. Every bit of it. Her older brother told us one evening when she was asleep that she is lying about it. And of course Dh has talked to her about it and has talked to the mom and family that lives around them. (The kids live 5 hours away) Nothing adds up. And usually after going back home to mom in about a month she will be adding all of these happy photos of her and her mom and then do it all again before coming to visit.

Why? I do not understand. Dh asked her this past summer if she wanted to come live with us and she shook her head real fast NO, looked at me and smiled. Dh said, you couldn't leave your mom could you. She said no. That is fine. But why the entire time you are here complaining about her.

Is it for attention? Manipulation?

Dh has told me that she is really jealous of my dd. Which I see that. She tried to start fights with my dd the whole time she is here. It drives us nuts. She does it when her Dad is busy or at work and when they are in the basement(we have a completely finishes basement with 3 bedrooms so that is where they stay alot).

If anyone can give me any ideas on what she is doing or trying to do would be wonderful so dh can put a stop to it. I have no answers for him. SD needs therapy but mom would NEVER agree to that. Sd has learned from the best.

My kids complain about their dad and tell mw things that he does when they are there and such but that isn't manipulation, that is because they do not want to be there at all and he is a very mean person. So I don't have much experience with kids and this behavior.

Any ideas would be appreciated.
by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 7:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 7:57 AM

She sounds like a pretty normal kid. Kids that age love drama and attention and facebook is their playground. I don't see anything you have posted that suggests she needs therapy. I wouldn't worry about the behaviors you described.

hmlykins13
by Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:02 AM
I am sorry but nothing about her making accusations of abuse and neglect is normal, and doing it knowing it is a lie.
I guess everyone has a different view on what is normal and what is not. Which is ok :)

Yes the jealousy and drama is normal for her age. But the manipulation that she exibits and the compulsive lying that she does with other things as well as these IS NOT ok.

Quoting whatIknownow:

She sounds like a pretty normal kid. Kids that age love drama and attention and facebook is their playground. I don't see anything you have posted that suggests she needs therapy. I wouldn't worry about the behaviors you described.

whatIknownow
by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:13 AM

I think you are reading more into it. Your original post did not say anything about her mom abusing or neglecting her. They were just basic teenage whining. The boyfriend hitting her and throwing shoes at her seems to be the closest thing to abuse, but that wasn't even about her mother.

She's probably doing it for attention, if you ignore it, she will stop doing it. Obviously she is happy with her mother so that's the important thing. If you take her mother's side, she will stop doing it. Why not try that?

Quoting hmlykins13: I am sorry but nothing about her making accusations of abuse and neglect is normal, and doing it knowing it is a lie. I guess everyone has a different view on what is normal and what is not. Which is ok :) Yes the jealousy and drama is normal for her age. But the manipulation that she exibits and the compulsive lying that she does with other things as well as these IS NOT ok.
Quoting whatIknownow:

She sounds like a pretty normal kid. Kids that age love drama and attention and facebook is their playground. I don't see anything you have posted that suggests she needs therapy. I wouldn't worry about the behaviors you described.


whatIknownow
by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:15 AM

Also, what did her mother say when your husband asked her about these lies?

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:21 AM
Has dad tried talking to Mom about this?

The only thing I find at all concerning is falsely accusing moms bf of hitting her and throwing stuff at her. Other than that? It seems to fall into the realm of normal teenage behavior.

If this whole "mom pays no attention to me" thing is consistently happening right before visits could it be that she, for some reason, feels as if she has to downplay her relationship with her mom when she is with you guys?
hmlykins13
by Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:24 AM
Her mother laughed about it.

We do try to ignore it..especially over the summer. All she talked about was her mom and the bf. Dh didn't really say anything and neither did I. Dh talked to her about over last spring and then the summer he just let it go..
I guess where I am getting the accusation of neglect is when she says mom never buys them food or cooks for them. They have to go elsewhere to eat. But i didn't put that in my op.

Maybe I am reading more into it. That is why I posted this to see what others thought. You know, it is easier to see things if you are not involved.

Thanks for your input :)
hmlykins13
by Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 8:37 AM
Yes, that is exactly what I was thinking but couldn't think of how to word it. (Down playing her relationship with mom)

Quoting AmericanDream: Has dad tried talking to Mom about this?

The only thing I find at all concerning is falsely accusing moms bf of hitting her and throwing stuff at her. Other than that? It seems to fall into the realm of normal teenage behavior.

If this whole "mom pays no attention to me" thing is consistently happening right before visits could it be that she, for some reason, feels as if she has to downplay her relationship with her mom when she is with you guys?
AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 9:16 AM

 It kind of sounds like she is insecure in her relationship with her father.  That does not necessarily mean that anything has been done wrong on his part but at her age, she is trying to figure out who she is and where she 'fits.'  Her behavior, villianizing her mom's boyfriend, downplaying her relationship with her mother, jealousy and picking fights with her stepsister (who I am assuming lives with you?) ... it sounds likes she's not really sure where she fits in your house and wants to ensure that her father knows that she loves him and thinks he's a good dad, even though she does not live there all the time. 

The best thing he could do is, instead of focusing on the bad stuff or her relationship with her mom, he focuses on his relationship with her.  Make sure she knows that, even though she's not there all the time, she is still very much an important part of your family and house and he is still very much her father. Make sure that she understands that it does not upset him that she has a great realtionship with her mother or her boyfriend and that he's glad she does because he wants her to be happy where she lives.

Quoting hmlykins13: Yes, that is exactly what I was thinking but couldn't think of how to word it. (Down playing her relationship with mom)
Quoting AmericanDream: Has dad tried talking to Mom about this? The only thing I find at all concerning is falsely accusing moms bf of hitting her and throwing stuff at her. Other than that? It seems to fall into the realm of normal teenage behavior. If this whole "mom pays no attention to me" thing is consistently happening right before visits could it be that she, for some reason, feels as if she has to downplay her relationship with her mom when she is with you guys?

 

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 9:29 AM
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 know how to make it stop. Everytime she brings a complaint to the table, tell her that "hey, that sounds pretty serious. Let's get your mom on the phone with all of us and discuss it with a three way call or on speaker phone so we can get to the bottom of things" Actually do it. If she is lying, she will stop. Let BM in on what you plan to do.

XXanonymousXX
by Gold Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 9:53 AM
1 mom liked this
Exactly this. Opening the lines of communication at both homes will stop the story telling and might help her adjust to her visits as well.

Quoting baparrot2:

 know how to make it stop. Everytime she brings a complaint to the table, tell her that "hey, that sounds pretty serious. Let's get your mom on the phone with all of us and discuss it with a three way call or on speaker phone so we can get to the bottom of things" Actually do it. If she is lying, she will stop. Let BM in on what you plan to do.

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