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Bullying, normal, or am I just overreacting?

Posted by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 11:21 PM
  • 23 Replies
I have a dd (8) from a previous marriage. My dh has four kids ss(14), ss(13), sd(11), and ss(7) from a previous marriage. We've been together for 4 years, married for 2.

So I have this issue with how my step kids and even dh at times treat my dd. I don't know if it's because she's mine so I naturally want to protect her or if it's because there really is overstepping going on. It's so hard to determine because dd can be a handful and I don't want it to seem like I'm playing favorites. Dh does nothing so if someone were to get onto them, it would be me. I already hear a lot of "you never get onto dd" and "you never get onto them" as it is. I'm so unsure of what to do.

Please be completely honest!

I'll give an example of what happened tonight. We were all eating at the table. SS (14) tells dd chew with her mouth closed. Dh later gets onto her for putting too much in her mouth. I was eating a salad, dd was sitting next to me and attempted to get a bite. Ss (14), (13), and dh all tell her to leave my food alone and tell her she is rude before I even get a chance to tell her no. I felt like the whole meal she was singled out and picked on.

As the step kids were leaving ss(13) said goodbye to dd then told her "happy birthday" and closed her laptop. It closed the game she was playing. When she got upset ss(7) called her a baby and attempted to do it again when she reopened it. Dh was outside. I thought at the time they were playing but dd was very upset.

Just an example.
They also hide things from her, argue with her to get her wound up, get onto her for everything, and call her names. I feel she's always the "bad guy". Maybe it's normal in a blended family and it is just her against 4. I don't know...any advice? I don't want her to be uncomfortable when they are here but I'm also afraid of being the evil stepmom. I discipline her and correct her when needed but at times they beat me to it.
by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 11:21 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Lorelai_Nicole
by Bronze Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 11:29 PM
1 mom liked this

To me it does sound like she's being picked on. The thing at the dinner table would piss me off--she's YOUR daughter, it's YOUR place to tell her if you don't want her to eat off your plate. I'm all for stepparents being allowed to discipline, but in this case it wasn't DH's place--nevermind his kids--to tell her no. As for the laptop, SS7 would definitely be punished for calling her a baby, and for attempting to close the laptop again after she got upset.

I think you need to have a discussion with your husband.

LaurynK7
by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 11:33 PM
1 mom liked this

I think in some aspects she's being picked on and ganged up on like when she was told to not touch your food. I think that some of it is just normal sibling fights like when they closed her laptop. I think your husband and oldest SS were right in telling her to chew with her mouth closed or to put less food in her mouth. Better to be told from family about bad manners then a complete and rude stranger that would embarass her. 

MamaBear131716
by Crystal on Dec. 4, 2014 at 11:45 PM
I've discussed this with him before and he backed down a little and even started telling them to let me handle it but then it continued. They've all told me I don't discipline her enough and should spank her, the kids told me that! >:( I rarely spank. I do take things away or talk to her, however. I feel like I get into her more than anyone. She says I never get onto them and well part of it is because I feel it's not my place. Yet again if I feel like she's being mistreated I should intervene if dh doesn't, right? He is oblivious to it all. SS (7) could smack her and his first response would be what did she do to him?

Quoting Lorelai_Nicole:

To me it does sound like she's being picked on. The thing at the dinner table would piss me off--she's YOUR daughter, it's YOUR place to tell her if you don't want her to eat off your plate. I'm all for stepparents being allowed to discipline, but in this case it wasn't DH's place--nevermind his kids--to tell her no. As for the laptop, SS7 would definitely be punished for calling her a baby, and for attempting to close the laptop again after she got upset.

I think you need to have a discussion with your husband.

MamaBear131716
by Crystal on Dec. 4, 2014 at 11:47 PM
I get the bad manners thing, I feel like it happens too often though. I also kinda feel like I should be the one correcting her. Ugh, it's just the look she gets on her face when it happens. Humiliation. :(

Quoting LaurynK7:

I think in some aspects she's being picked on and ganged up on like when she was told to not touch your food. I think that some of it is just normal sibling fights like when they closed her laptop. I think your husband and oldest SS were right in telling her to chew with her mouth closed or to put less food in her mouth. Better to be told from family about bad manners then a complete and rude stranger that would embarass her. 

Lorelai_Nicole
by Bronze Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 11:49 PM
1 mom liked this

I would absolutely step in if DH doesn't, when the boys are mistreating DD. If he says anything about it, just be honest with him: "If you would do something about it, I wouldn't have to."

Quoting MamaBear131716: I've discussed this with him before and he backed down a little and even started telling them to let me handle it but then it continued. They've all told me I don't discipline her enough and should spank her, the kids told me that! >:( I rarely spank. I do take things away or talk to her, however. I feel like I get into her more than anyone. She says I never get onto them and well part of it is because I feel it's not my place. Yet again if I feel like she's being mistreated I should intervene if dh doesn't, right? He is oblivious to it all. SS (7) could smack her and his first response would be what did she do to him?
Quoting Lorelai_Nicole:

To me it does sound like she's being picked on. The thing at the dinner table would piss me off--she's YOUR daughter, it's YOUR place to tell her if you don't want her to eat off your plate. I'm all for stepparents being allowed to discipline, but in this case it wasn't DH's place--nevermind his kids--to tell her no. As for the laptop, SS7 would definitely be punished for calling her a baby, and for attempting to close the laptop again after she got upset.

I think you need to have a discussion with your husband.


LaurynK7
by on Dec. 4, 2014 at 11:50 PM

I think both you and your husband should be the ones correcting her. I agree that you SS shouldn't. But if she is still doing things that she has been told to change then maybe he's just getting frustrated that she isn't listening to you and your husband? 

Quoting MamaBear131716: I get the bad manners thing, I feel like it happens too often though. I also kinda feel like I should be the one correcting her. Ugh, it's just the look she gets on her face when it happens. Humiliation. :(
Quoting LaurynK7:

I think in some aspects she's being picked on and ganged up on like when she was told to not touch your food. I think that some of it is just normal sibling fights like when they closed her laptop. I think your husband and oldest SS were right in telling her to chew with her mouth closed or to put less food in her mouth. Better to be told from family about bad manners then a complete and rude stranger that would embarass her. 


MamaBear131716
by Crystal on Dec. 4, 2014 at 11:57 PM
Yeah that could be it. He's generally a kind hearted kid and I think more anything he thinks he's helping rather than hurting. I guess maybe just have dh explain we should handle all that?

See in my mamabear thinking I see it as picking on her but when you said that I thought maybe he's just trying to help me.

She can be overbearing. At times she's loud, obnoxious, and too rough with the little ones. I have to often correct her many times so I could see how they may want to come to my rescue when I seem overwhelmed or frustrated. But then I feel bad because I don't want her ganged up on. Lol



Quoting LaurynK7:

I think both you and your husband should be the ones correcting her. I agree that you SS shouldn't. But if she is still doing things that she has been told to change then maybe he's just getting frustrated that she isn't listening to you and your husband? 

Quoting MamaBear131716: I get the bad manners thing, I feel like it happens too often though. I also kinda feel like I should be the one correcting her. Ugh, it's just the look she gets on her face when it happens. Humiliation. :(

Quoting LaurynK7:

I think in some aspects she's being picked on and ganged up on like when she was told to not touch your food. I think that some of it is just normal sibling fights like when they closed her laptop. I think your husband and oldest SS were right in telling her to chew with her mouth closed or to put less food in her mouth. Better to be told from family about bad manners then a complete and rude stranger that would embarass her. 

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Dec. 4, 2014 at 11:58 PM

Siblings should not discipline siblings in my book.  Maybe you need a reset discussion asking all the kids to stop parenting each other.  I always told DDs to be a sister not a mother.  Especially ODD.  

They probably do it to each other and you just don't notice as much, but regardless, it should stop.  I get really frustrated with SS17s sarcastic manner.  I think he is rude and just not funny.  He mocks his father endlessly.  Used to mock me, mind you he just calls it his sarcastic style, until I expressed my dissatisfaction with it.  Ended up hearing all about it from BM how SS is just expressing himself.  I guess her bio filter was strong.

yeah, they will bug you more, but they shouldn't be parenting her or each other.

DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Dec. 5, 2014 at 12:07 AM

Your bigger issue is the fact that your husband isn't getting on his kids. 

This could be one of two things...  either you're just SUPER sensetive to what's going on with your daughter, or he's too lax a parent. 

Honestly, if I felt my daughter was being bullied, I wouldn't keep putting her in that situation.  I'd take her other places when they were around. 

MamaBear131716
by Crystal on Dec. 5, 2014 at 12:09 AM
That's exactly it! I have noticed they do it to each other too. It never really seemed a big deal because they seemed used to it and fight back. Dd gets embarrassed and upset.

I agree with you though, it doesn't seem right.

If I'm being honest, at times I feel like they are trying to parent me too. They are not at all afraid to speak their mind but the comments like "Zane should be potty trained", "if Zane drinks too much chocolate milk he is going to get diabetes", and "I'm going to destroy your cigarettes because you need to stop smoking". Okay, the last one yes I know...It's a habit I've tried to break on and off for ten years. I know it's bad for me but I really don't need kids lecturing me on it. It gets annoying!

Quoting pdxmum:

Siblings should not discipline siblings in my book.  Maybe you need a reset discussion asking all the kids to stop parenting each other.  I always told DDs to be a sister not a mother.  Especially ODD.  

They probably do it to each other and you just don't notice as much, but regardless, it should stop.  I get really frustrated with SS17s sarcastic manner.  I think he is rude and just not funny.  He mocks his father endlessly.  Used to mock me, mind you he just calls it his sarcastic style, until I expressed my dissatisfaction with it.  Ended up hearing all about it from BM how SS is just expressing himself.  I guess her bio filter was strong.

yeah, they will bug you more, but they shouldn't be parenting her or each other.

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