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I'm in the dark here

Posted by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:54 AM
  • 24 Replies
So I grew up with pretty fantastic step parents. I had good role models, and figured if I could love my step parents the way I did, my stepchildren could love me that way. But it's proving to be a challenge. I've been around for 5 years, I have a son of my own who has autism and other disabilities. I've noticed similar characteristics and behaviors in my step son, but no one wanted to hear my concerns. Now, 5 years later my SS is depressed, angry, behind in school, being teased, and BM has decided there's a problem. My SS is only 10, but has dedicated himself to hating my guts. I've tried so hard, but he repeatedly reminds me I'm NOT his mother. He's allowed to ignore me, treat me rude, etc. so therefor my other 2 SC and my son feel it's ok as well. Now my SS is in counseling and my husband has gotten mail about seeing the counselor with him. This mail is hidden from me, I have no idea what is going on, and the BM is unwilling to talk to me. My husband just says I know all he knows, yet he won't tell me what is happening, and why he is seeking counseling with his son and I can't even know about it. I feel hurt, and am left to feel like I'm being held accountable for something, but I don't know what. I want to help but I'll back off if they want, but I want my husband to be honest with me. Feeling hurt, after all this time of saying my SS needs help, I'm being shut out. I'm in the dark here.
by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 9:54 AM
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Replies (1-10):
packermom4ever
by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 11:50 AM

My kids had a SM and she wanted to know what was going on with my kid's counseling as well. I didn't tell her. It was none of her business. I was unwilling to talk to her about my children because she wasn't one of the parents. 

Sometimes, as hard as it may be, you have to let the parents figure things out.

runinpinkshoes
by Gold Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 12:38 PM
The whole first half of this could've been written by me. I also had great step parents, and was bewildered at my step kids (mainly oldest SD's) reluctance to accept me, even though I'm super nice!

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship with your SS. And it strikes me as odd that your DH is excluding you from what's going on. Has he expressed anything to you in terms of his thoughts on your relationship with SS?
runinpinkshoes
by Gold Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 12:39 PM
1 mom liked this
BM doesn't have to tell her what's going on, but it's odd that her own husband is leaving her out of it, and that would make me wonder too. Marriages are still partnerships, even if the kid only belongs to one part of the couple.

Quoting packermom4ever:

My kids had a SM and she wanted to know what was going on with my kid's counseling as well. I didn't tell her. It was none of her business. I was unwilling to talk to her about my children because she wasn't one of the parents. 

Sometimes, as hard as it may be, you have to let the parents figure things out.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 12:53 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree here.
I've not been in this exact situation but my child has been in therapy for years and there has been ONE time in 7 years of being with dh that my daughter has had an issue with my dh.
I shared with him after I had all the details of the situation and once the therapist and I had a plan in place for action.

He may have felt left out at the time because I waited a couple of days to talk to him; but this is what I felt was best so that he didn't jump to conclusions and to keep the conflict in my home as low as possible for the time being.

I agree though that if there is an issue with a stepparent that is being handled by the parents and the therapist, the stepparent, as the spouse should be talked to so that they know what the problem is. Maybe the SP is doing something that is causing the child conflict and the SP needs to be told so they can stop what they are doing.

As far as SM goes, I wouldn't tell her anything as the BM. She isn't my spouse. Her husband should be talking to her. And quite frankly, I think that is the problem in my situation. I think my ex is the weak one of the two of them and so he isn't telling her what he should be because he doesn't have the confidence to tell her what the therapist or lawyers is saying she needs to stop doing. I am totally fine with him sharing info with his wife if it will help our daughter. But I am not going to call her and tell her what I think she is doing wrong because I don't think it's my place nor do I think it would make a difference coming from me.

I share everything with my husband. I share. That doesn't mean he has a say it just simply means I tell him pretty much everything that happens. He just listens most of the time. Occasionally he has some commentary he likes to share.


Quoting runinpinkshoes: BM doesn't have to tell her what's going on, but it's odd that her own husband is leaving her out of it, and that would make me wonder too. Marriages are still partnerships, even if the kid only belongs to one part of the couple.

Quoting packermom4ever:

My kids had a SM and she wanted to know what was going on with my kid's counseling as well. I didn't tell her. It was none of her business. I was unwilling to talk to her about my children because she wasn't one of the parents. 

Sometimes, as hard as it may be, you have to let the parents figure things out.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 1:06 PM
If you SS is ASD, it makes,perfect sense why he would hate you at first. You were a disruption. And since your husband didn't address the situation, he had no reason to change and that became his established pattern of interacting with you. So honestly the SS situation here isn't confusing at all.

But the adult situation, particularly between you and your husband is really quite alarming. For five years he did nothing about the tension between you and his son, and now he's hiding things? Perhaps he's just afraid of hearing you say "I told you so."? Even if that's it though... it's not a good sign. There seems to be a major communication breakdown in your marriage. I would suggest counseling for the two of you so that you can work through those issues and the loyalty issues that haven't been addressed in the last 5 years.
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 1:09 PM
1 mom liked this
His actions are saying back off. So I would back way off. First, I wouldn't provide care for childrwn who are allowed to disrespect me. So DH would need to either leave them w mom wen he's not going to be there or find another alternative.

As far as the counseling, that is the business of the kid and parents and if dad doesn't want to share with you, tell him that is fine but again, you will not provide care for the kids.
MBanks524
by Platinum Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 1:42 PM
I can understand why you didn't tell am but why isn't the dad telling his wife? She is the one that noticed something was wrong and brought it to their attention

Quoting packermom4ever:

My kids had a SM and she wanted to know what was going on with my kid's counseling as well. I didn't tell her. It was none of her business. I was unwilling to talk to her about my children because she wasn't one of the parents. 

Sometimes, as hard as it may be, you have to let the parents figure things out.

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:27 PM
Exactly! I would never ask or expect BM to tell me anything about the kids. We don't deal w/each other, not friends, she's definitely not my spouse lol. DH and I tell each other everything so if I found out there was something he didn't want me to know about, it would raise an eyebrow for me.

Quoting runinpinkshoes: BM doesn't have to tell her what's going on, but it's odd that her own husband is leaving her out of it, and that would make me wonder too. Marriages are still partnerships, even if the kid only belongs to one part of the couple.

Quoting packermom4ever:

My kids had a SM and she wanted to know what was going on with my kid's counseling as well. I didn't tell her. It was none of her business. I was unwilling to talk to her about my children because she wasn't one of the parents. 

Sometimes, as hard as it may be, you have to let the parents figure things out.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:35 PM
In my opinion, if a spouse isn't sharing with the other spouse (regardless of the SP factor) then there is an issue in the marriage. Either like someone else pointed out: he doesn't want to hear I told you so or what I feel is happening in my ex's situation is that he is not in a relationship where he can share without consequences. Maybe he doesn't feel he can talk to his wife. Maybe he doesn't want to talk to her about it because he's at a point where he wants her to STOP talking and step back (as someone else pointed out). Who knows the reason but I would think this is a huge red flag to the marriage.

Quoting MBanks524: I can understand why you didn't tell am but why isn't the dad telling his wife? She is the one that noticed something was wrong and brought it to their attention

Quoting packermom4ever:

My kids had a SM and she wanted to know what was going on with my kid's counseling as well. I didn't tell her. It was none of her business. I was unwilling to talk to her about my children because she wasn't one of the parents. 

Sometimes, as hard as it may be, you have to let the parents figure things out.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
wise.toes
by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:04 PM

then that's an issue between husband and wife, not bm and sm. 

Quoting runinpinkshoes: BM doesn't have to tell her what's going on, but it's odd that her own husband is leaving her out of it, and that would make me wonder too. Marriages are still partnerships, even if the kid only belongs to one part of the couple.
Quoting packermom4ever:

My kids had a SM and she wanted to know what was going on with my kid's counseling as well. I didn't tell her. It was none of her business. I was unwilling to talk to her about my children because she wasn't one of the parents. 

Sometimes, as hard as it may be, you have to let the parents figure things out.


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