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my mom views my step kids as "friends" of my bio kids

Posted by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:32 PM
  • 91 Replies

My parents came from out of town to drop in for a visit. My step daughters were eager to talk to the but my mom was less than thrilled about speaking with them. It highly upset me and I talked to her about it. I asked her to please be nice to them and she said " i will treat them like they are their friends, but my grand kids are my grand kids". I guess i might be sensitive but i didn't appreciate that one bit. My husband and I have worked really hard on creating a welcoming home for them and everyday is getting better. This however made not only me uncomfortable but my step daughters ( who didn't hear it) were uncomfortable as well. She talked about taking my bio kids out and I was resistent because my step daughters could go along. Now I don't want to force her to take them out. It's her right not to but it's also my right to say no when all children can't participate. I am just not sure how to handle this since this is the first time I have dealt with this. I offered her a copy of the family we picture we took and she didn't seem to want it because it had my step daughters in it. I am just fustrated and need some advice so please save the bashing cause I am here to get perspective from others. thanks in advance

 

 

by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:32 PM
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USBrit
by Silver Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:50 PM
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 Personally, I don't think that you are being fair to your Mom. You married your husband with children, she didn't. Does your husband's family treat all the kids the same? I don't think that a grandparent gets to be mean to any child, but they aren't her grandchildren...that is a very special bond. Remember that unless your SD's grandparents are passed away, they have grandparents of their own who love them in a very special way too. I think children of divorced parents are able to accept situations if explained properly. I can tell you that I don't feel the same towards my husband's grandchildren that I do towards my own and he is the same about mine. Treating his children like friends of your children would be acceptable to me...you wouldn't treat a neighborhood friend poorly so I don't see why that wouldn't work. If Grandma wants some alone with with her own grands, why not let the other girls go and see other relatives??? You can't force people together that would rather not be together, it just creates tension

happywifey08
by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:54 PM
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Hmmmm, well I can't recall my grandparents or my Moms husbands grandparents ever taking the non bio GKs places or even buying them gifts. We are all older though, when they married my youngest sis was 6 i think, and my youngest SB was 12. At that point it was my Moms 3rd marriage and her DHs second.

Only you can decide if its worth isolating your kids from their GM for the sake of SDs feelings or not. You can't make her accept SD as one of hers, but you can do other things with SD when kids are with GM. I am sure your SDs maternal GPs are not taking your kids places, so just explain it like that.

Good luck.
soonergirl980
by Platinum Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 2:55 PM
2 moms liked this

You should not expect your mother to treat kids that aren't her grandkids as grandkids. Treating them as friends is better than nothing.

momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:01 PM
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I think as long as she is treating them respectfully it shouldn't be an issue.  You can't dictate their relationship....

codysara
by Platinum Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:01 PM
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It would upset me as well. Thankfully we are all viewed as 1 family by all extensions.
How long have you been in this relationship? Is there a big age difference in the kids?
XXanonymousXX
by Gold Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:02 PM
3 moms liked this
My mom treats SD as her grandkid, but common sense tells me she loves my nephews more - in a completely different way - because they truly are her grandkids. But in practice they are all treated the same, no one is left out because they aren't blood.

And IMO that's the way it should be, barring any extenuating circumstances or personality clashes. I mean, what is a grandparent trying to accomplish by actively showing favoritism to blood related grandkids? How hard is it for your mom to talk to the steps as much as she talks to your kids if they are all there together? Seems petty and selfish to me.
USBrit
by Silver Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:13 PM
1 mom liked this

 I would say wait until you are a grandparent until you make the statement petty and selfish. Children don't need 4 sets of Grandparents to feel loved. 2 sets will do just fine, just like in original families. We have become a society of "too many expectations of others". As long as Grandma isn't hateful to the steps, which I am sure she isn't.....I think everyone needs to calm down a bit.

Quoting XXanonymousXX: My mom treats SD as her grandkid, but common sense tells me she loves my nephews more - in a completely different way - because they truly are her grandkids. But in practice they are all treated the same, no one is left out because they aren't blood. And IMO that's the way it should be, barring any extenuating circumstances or personality clashes. I mean, what is a grandparent trying to accomplish by actively showing favoritism to blood related grandkids? How hard is it for your mom to talk to the steps as much as she talks to your kids if they are all there together? Seems petty and selfish to me.

 

happywifey08
by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:17 PM
On the flip side DHs family is great with DD1, BUT he is the only child living child of an only child, she was 2, he was 30 and his family thought he would never have kids. So it definitely makes a difference what your sitch is. Have you talked to her about it? Not telling her what to do, but asking why she feels that way? Maybe overtime she will warm up. What is SD age?
whatIknownow
by on Dec. 20, 2014 at 3:47 PM

Do your parents approve of your marriage? How long have you been married?

runinpinkshoes
by Gold Member on Dec. 20, 2014 at 4:19 PM
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Yes, same here! I grew up with 4 parents, 8 grandparents, and 7 siblings. There was no "step". I feel like her attitude is sending the message that your SDs aren't good enough, and that would upset me too. Even if it weren't a bio vs step issue, excluding people for any reason isn't a very kind thing to do.

Quoting codysara: It would upset me as well. Thankfully we are all viewed as 1 family by all extensions. How long have you been in this relationship? Is there a big age difference in the kids?

 

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