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Tips to regain sanity :)

Posted by on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:17 AM
  • 25 Replies

I feel like I've lost my patience and I sincerely want a few tips to get it back.

BM did what I always predicted..she dropped sd off back in september and has only seen her 3 times since, each time only for a day.  she doesn't call sd, just an occasional text to my husband trying to start fights.  SOooo..of course I understand that sd is going to act out.  Not that she wasn't with us the majority of the time before, but this is definitely the least amount of contact bm has had.  Sd is acting out worse than ever.  She has reactive attachment disorder.  i understand the illness, i understand why and yes I understand that I need to have patience, but sometimes thats easier said than done.  We have 3 other children and one on the way..as horrible as it sounds I'm getting a little tired of all my energy and effort going in to one child.  We have her in therapy already.  I am meeting with a therapist for myself next week.  I know this is an illness, I know she is acting out and why.....I know I sound evil........thats why Im asking for help..  

Shes 5, but acts 2..or younger at times.  Its not like she acts out off and on throughout the day, its allllll day, every single day.  Again, I get it.....but I'm so exhausted.  I've asked my husband to take her for awhile for extra one on one time, but he won't!!  He thinks that will make her think he's rewarding her for her bad behavior....I think that sounds stupid.  Does anyone agree with him??  He also feels like it goes against her therapist's suggestion for extreme routine.  I tried to take the other three and go to my mom's for awhile.  My husband got mad because he accused me of leaving her out and said that will make her behaviors worse.  I need a mental break.  I love her, but the second I hear her get up in the morning my skin crawls..I know that it starts with fits over breakfast, refusal to dress herself and continue ALL day.

For those of you ready to tell me "you are terrible, pitty her" yes, I KNOW..  I have been dealing with her behaviors since we noticed them at age 3.  I have been taking her to therapy since dh works full time.  I take her to school.  I treat her like one of my own.  I have been there since she was 18 mos old.  I am sincerely trying.  

by on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:17 AM
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Replies (1-10):
kss12
by Silver Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:24 AM
That's so sad.
I think it may be time for you to pull away a tad and focus on all of YOUR children and let your husband concern himself with SD.
Your husband may be right. Yes, it's good for him to have one on one time with his daughter and it's fantastic that you're encouraging that, however, the fact that she is acting out and the fact that her acting out will result in your husband taking her out one on one may make her feel that if she acts that way she will get dad all to herself. All children are different. Let him decide what he thinks is best for her. That way, if God forbid something get worse with her the blame is not on you what so ever.
It's time for you to take time out for yourself and your children.
mrslmac
by Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:28 AM
This is normal for her. When we won custody of our kids they had a lot of adjusting to do. Hang in there. My two are generally sweet but once hits them (can be out of no where) it just takes patiences. Before we got ours they were living with BM for a few days then my MIL then me for the 14 days my DH Was at work off shore. It was chaos for them a lot of here and there. But if you have them now give them a HOME!!!! Thank God that time for us has past now we're one big family sure we fight, have our battles but it happen been the emotional kind of I want my momma type any more. Their settle and doing great. Neither one is going n therapy either nor went through any. It may seem small but I think what helped was my dd 4 at the time told sd 5 and ss 4 at the time that she would share her momma with them. We explain all that was going on and durning that time to ease the transition and I think that helped a lot.
stashia
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:34 AM

Thank you for your reply!  I guess I can see what he is talking about..I just kinda feel like she feels so abandoned that she is acting out for attention.  We already do equal one on one time for the kids every evening, of course she becomes angry when the other kids are having their turn and finds ways to interrupt or just simply ruin it all together.  I get her illness and I couldn't IMAGINE being a 5 year old and not understanding why mommy left.  I really appreciate your reply :)  You're right, if I make a suggestion and it backfires I don't want the blame.  Tensions are already high the past couple weeks.  I'm really just mentally burnt out and need a recoop.  I guess being a parent means not having that option, lol, am I evil for feeling this way?!

Quoting kss12: That's so sad. I think it may be time for you to pull away a tad and focus on all of YOUR children and let your husband concern himself with SD. Your husband may be right. Yes, it's good for him to have one on one time with his daughter and it's fantastic that you're encouraging that, however, the fact that she is acting out and the fact that her acting out will result in your husband taking her out one on one may make her feel that if she acts that way she will get dad all to herself. All children are different. Let him decide what he thinks is best for her. That way, if God forbid something get worse with her the blame is not on you what so ever. It's time for you to take time out for yourself and your children.


jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:39 AM

Your DH is using a cop-out to get out of doing what his child needs.  She's been abandoned by her BM, now by BF, and he's laying it ALL At your feet.  Why did you and he decide to  have another child when you already had this child and 3 others and were struggling?  I realize SD wasn't living with you full time then but still... seems like a LOT was already going on and bringing another child into the mix wasn't going to help any, not at this time anyway.  But, at this point the baby is on the way, so you deal. 

Bring this all up (and I'm sure there are other things you've not mentioned here - I'm sorry, I don't recall the history in your situation but I believe you've posted it before) at YOUR therapy appointment.  I'd hope that'd help you deal with the situation you live in a bit easier, though it'll take time to get there.  I'm sure being pregnant doesn't help with your patience level either.  For that reason alone DH should step up and be PART of her ROUTINE.  Who said YOU were to be her sole routine?!?!? 

Lay this back at DH's feet.  His child.  HE should be the majority of her routine if it's so necessary.  Are the other 3 children his as well or yours only? 

We ALL need a break on occasion.  So what if your DH got mad when you tried to take your three children to your moms for a while?  So what?!??!  Is he the only one allowed to get mad in your home?  Let him get mad.  Maybe he'll develop a bit more empathy for what he's laid at your feet, if only for a weekend. 

I'd lay the blame more on DH than you in this situation.  Stand up to him.  Let him get mad.  But let him handle his child for a bit and step back from the sole responsibility of his DD yourself.  I don't know much about reactive attachment disorder but this shouldn't fall on SMs shoulders solely.  Perhaps you'd have time to focus on any of the other children if your DH picked up his own slack and took care of his child more.  Who made her your sole responsibility? 

stashia
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:40 AM

Thank you!  I guess we haven't really explained things because we really don't know what to say.  We just one 50/50 custody less than a year ago so our lawyer told us we couldn't request any further changes (full custody) until 2 years has past....??..crazy huh?!  So we never know if bm is going to just come back and take her.  How do we tell her whats happening when we have no idea.  I think that is what has added to my stress.  Not only is it difficult to deal with these behaviors, I feel like Im constantly watching over my shoulder for bm to show up.  Also, how do you tell a child, "sorry your mommy is currently on drugs so she is choosing not to see you for now."  obviously we wouldnt word it like that.  when her mom was in treatment we just told her mom was sick and she'd be with us for a few months.  I guess we could say mom is sick.....I just dont know.......

Quoting mrslmac: This is normal for her. When we won custody of our kids they had a lot of adjusting to do. Hang in there. My two are generally sweet but once hits them (can be out of no where) it just takes patiences. Before we got ours they were living with BM for a few days then my MIL then me for the 14 days my DH Was at work off shore. It was chaos for them a lot of here and there. But if you have them now give them a HOME!!!! Thank God that time for us has past now we're one big family sure we fight, have our battles but it happen been the emotional kind of I want my momma type any more. Their settle and doing great. Neither one is going n therapy either nor went through any. It may seem small but I think what helped was my dd 4 at the time told sd 5 and ss 4 at the time that she would share her momma with them. We explain all that was going on and durning that time to ease the transition and I think that helped a lot.


kss12
by Silver Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:40 AM
1 mom liked this
You're not evil at all. Unfortunately when you came into her life at 18 months old you didn't know this would be your life 4 years later, how could you have known?
Maybe you and your children can go and do something together and let your husband care for SD for a day, if your husband disagrees you just have to stand your ground for your sanity and YOUR childrens sake.
It's SO hard to be in a step situation when you've invested yourself in someone else's child, unfortunately as you do that, you also sacrifice things that your children should have.
I couldn't imagine being 5 and my mom leaving me, this may sound harsh, but it's not your problem.


Quoting stashia:

Thank you for your reply!  I guess I can see what he is talking about..I just kinda feel like she feels so abandoned that she is acting out for attention.  We already do equal one on one time for the kids every evening, of course she becomes angry when the other kids are having their turn and finds ways to interrupt or just simply ruin it all together.  I get her illness and I couldn't IMAGINE being a 5 year old and not understanding why mommy left.  I really appreciate your reply :)  You're right, if I make a suggestion and it backfires I don't want the blame.  Tensions are already high the past couple weeks.  I'm really just mentally burnt out and need a recoop.  I guess being a parent means not having that option, lol, am I evil for feeling this way?!

Quoting kss12: That's so sad.
I think it may be time for you to pull away a tad and focus on all of YOUR children and let your husband concern himself with SD.
Your husband may be right. Yes, it's good for him to have one on one time with his daughter and it's fantastic that you're encouraging that, however, the fact that she is acting out and the fact that her acting out will result in your husband taking her out one on one may make her feel that if she acts that way she will get dad all to herself. All children are different. Let him decide what he thinks is best for her. That way, if God forbid something get worse with her the blame is not on you what so ever.
It's time for you to take time out for yourself and your children.

Jillian17
by on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:41 AM
1 mom liked this

I cant help with the sitch, but do you have any time for yourself during the day? Maybe joining a gym or taking nightly walks just to clear your head? Also I would suggest putting all kids to bed at least an hour before you and your husband go to bed. Spend that time together and make a rule to not talk about the children. It may not help with the issue at hand, but it will probably help to ease some of your stress.

stashia
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:50 AM

I think I'm so bitter because I am asking the same question.  We argued the other night and I blurted out, "I'm tired because she has two capabile parents, they are just not willing!"  Not to make excuses but he works full time so much of the responsibility during the day falls on me.  I work part time evenings, then he does have to deal.  On weekends that I don't work I try to leave it up to him, but he often chooses to completely ignore her behavior so then it escalates.  We started trying to get pregnant before she came to live with us full time, which we had her the majority of the time, but her behaviors were vastly improved.  I honestly thought we were on the right track.  Even with her behaviors, (I have been crabby in the past about) I felt like I learned about them and got a grip on it.  I knew how to deal with them and really she had made huge improvements.  It all kind of happened at once, I got pregnant, she moved in, and her behaviors spiraled out of control basically within a week or two.  I couldn't agree with you more, dh needs to step up.  He was doing so good, but now he started feeling sorry for her again.  Do I feel sorry for her, yes...is it appropriate to show your sympathy by letting her do whatever she pleases.....no.  I'm very overwhelmed.  I can tell you when we planned this pregnancy life wasn't like this, it was finally going great.  

Quoting jules2boys:

Your DH is using a cop-out to get out of doing what his child needs.  She's been abandoned by her BM, now by BF, and he's laying it ALL At your feet.  Why did you and he decide to  have another child when you already had this child and 3 others and were struggling?  I realize SD wasn't living with you full time then but still... seems like a LOT was already going on and bringing another child into the mix wasn't going to help any, not at this time anyway.  But, at this point the baby is on the way, so you deal. 

Bring this all up (and I'm sure there are other things you've not mentioned here - I'm sorry, I don't recall the history in your situation but I believe you've posted it before) at YOUR therapy appointment.  I'd hope that'd help you deal with the situation you live in a bit easier, though it'll take time to get there.  I'm sure being pregnant doesn't help with your patience level either.  For that reason alone DH should step up and be PART of her ROUTINE.  Who said YOU were to be her sole routine?!?!? 

Lay this back at DH's feet.  His child.  HE should be the majority of her routine if it's so necessary.  Are the other 3 children his as well or yours only? 

We ALL need a break on occasion.  So what if your DH got mad when you tried to take your three children to your moms for a while?  So what?!??!  Is he the only one allowed to get mad in your home?  Let him get mad.  Maybe he'll develop a bit more empathy for what he's laid at your feet, if only for a weekend. 

I'd lay the blame more on DH than you in this situation.  Stand up to him.  Let him get mad.  But let him handle his child for a bit and step back from the sole responsibility of his DD yourself.  I don't know much about reactive attachment disorder but this shouldn't fall on SMs shoulders solely.  Perhaps you'd have time to focus on any of the other children if your DH picked up his own slack and took care of his child more.  Who made her your sole responsibility? 


mrslmac
by Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:53 AM
Not sure what kind of lawyer you have but drug use was how we won full custody, BM could see them suoervised only and you don't have to let SD out of the house with BM yes that's contempt of court but if you file back the drug use and request hair for the drug test BM will drop it. We paid BMS hair and toe nail test even took one ourselves she knew it was paid it full. Never took it. Clear sign for the judge.
Document everything from here on out. Everything you here of BM to SD.
I never told my kids about BM drug use. We left it at momma is in a place in her life and is confused about some things she's trying to get better. Mine know now what's hapoen but at that young age they wouldn't understand. Momma being sick is very understandable at her age. That's all she needs to know. But after a few years of total love and devotion from you baby girl will see where the love is.
It cracks me up and you'll notice this too eventually. mom can be a dead beat crack whore that's doesn't pay child support but people have compassion on her. Let dad be that way throw him it jail. And he's forever a piece of shit.

Quoting stashia:

Thank you!  I guess we haven't really explained things because we really don't know what to say.  We just one 50/50 custody less than a year ago so our lawyer told us we couldn't request any further changes (full custody) until 2 years has past....??..crazy huh?!  So we never know if bm is going to just come back and take her.  How do we tell her whats happening when we have no idea.  I think that is what has added to my stress.  Not only is it difficult to deal with these behaviors, I feel like Im constantly watching over my shoulder for bm to show up.  Also, how do you tell a child, "sorry your mommy is currently on drugs so she is choosing not to see you for now."  obviously we wouldnt word it like that.  when her mom was in treatment we just told her mom was sick and she'd be with us for a few months.  I guess we could say mom is sick.....I just dont know.......

Quoting mrslmac: This is normal for her. When we won custody of our kids they had a lot of adjusting to do. Hang in there. My two are generally sweet but once hits them (can be out of no where) it just takes patiences. Before we got ours they were living with BM for a few days then my MIL then me for the 14 days my DH Was at work off shore. It was chaos for them a lot of here and there. But if you have them now give them a HOME!!!! Thank God that time for us has past now we're one big family sure we fight, have our battles but it happen been the emotional kind of I want my momma type any more. Their settle and doing great. Neither one is going n therapy either nor went through any. It may seem small but I think what helped was my dd 4 at the time told sd 5 and ss 4 at the time that she would share her momma with them. We explain all that was going on and durning that time to ease the transition and I think that helped a lot.

jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 11:59 AM

IMO this isn't so much a SP issue as a pregnancy issue, for now anyway.  It's unhealthy to be this stressed out during your pregnancy.  Does he want you and the baby to be unhealthy?!?!?  Perhaps you can go about things from that angle and tell him (don't take no for an answer) that until you have recovered fully from childbirth, his DD is HIS responsibility, and you'll assist him, rather than the other way around.  If he's there, she's HIS responsibility.  Perhaps by the time you've fully recovered from childbirth, it'll simply be 'habit' for him?  Don't pick up his slack.  Don't let him off the hook if he's home.  She's HIS responsibility. 

I'd be angry in your shoes as well.  Just make sure to focus your anger, your energy, where it belongs, towards DH, not towards SD (who didn't ask for any of this herself).  Don't let DH off the hook, he's the only other adult in the house who should be ON the hook for these things.  :)  If he's home and she's acting up, walk away.  Close the door and leave him no option but to deal with her.  Take your kids away too if necessary.  Find peace in your own home. 

Or, decide if this is the best place, the best environment, the best influence your children should be raised in with DH if he's unwilling/unable to step up as he should.  There's nothing about this situation that says 'the female in the house should handle it all'.  Nothing.    Good luck.

Quoting stashia:

I think I'm so bitter because I am asking the same question.  We argued the other night and I blurted out, "I'm tired because she has two capabile parents, they are just not willing!"  Not to make excuses but he works full time so much of the responsibility during the day falls on me.  I work part time evenings, then he does have to deal.  On weekends that I don't work I try to leave it up to him, but he often chooses to completely ignore her behavior so then it escalates.  We started trying to get pregnant before she came to live with us full time, which we had her the majority of the time, but her behaviors were vastly improved.  I honestly thought we were on the right track.  Even with her behaviors, (I have been crabby in the past about) I felt like I learned about them and got a grip on it.  I knew how to deal with them and really she had made huge improvements.  It all kind of happened at once, I got pregnant, she moved in, and her behaviors spiraled out of control basically within a week or two.  I couldn't agree with you more, dh needs to step up.  He was doing so good, but now he started feeling sorry for her again.  Do I feel sorry for her, yes...is it appropriate to show your sympathy by letting her do whatever she pleases.....no.  I'm very overwhelmed.  I can tell you when we planned this pregnancy life wasn't like this, it was finally going great.  

Quoting jules2boys:

Your DH is using a cop-out to get out of doing what his child needs.  She's been abandoned by her BM, now by BF, and he's laying it ALL At your feet.  Why did you and he decide to  have another child when you already had this child and 3 others and were struggling?  I realize SD wasn't living with you full time then but still... seems like a LOT was already going on and bringing another child into the mix wasn't going to help any, not at this time anyway.  But, at this point the baby is on the way, so you deal. 

Bring this all up (and I'm sure there are other things you've not mentioned here - I'm sorry, I don't recall the history in your situation but I believe you've posted it before) at YOUR therapy appointment.  I'd hope that'd help you deal with the situation you live in a bit easier, though it'll take time to get there.  I'm sure being pregnant doesn't help with your patience level either.  For that reason alone DH should step up and be PART of her ROUTINE.  Who said YOU were to be her sole routine?!?!? 

Lay this back at DH's feet.  His child.  HE should be the majority of her routine if it's so necessary.  Are the other 3 children his as well or yours only? 

We ALL need a break on occasion.  So what if your DH got mad when you tried to take your three children to your moms for a while?  So what?!??!  Is he the only one allowed to get mad in your home?  Let him get mad.  Maybe he'll develop a bit more empathy for what he's laid at your feet, if only for a weekend. 

I'd lay the blame more on DH than you in this situation.  Stand up to him.  Let him get mad.  But let him handle his child for a bit and step back from the sole responsibility of his DD yourself.  I don't know much about reactive attachment disorder but this shouldn't fall on SMs shoulders solely.  Perhaps you'd have time to focus on any of the other children if your DH picked up his own slack and took care of his child more.  Who made her your sole responsibility? 



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