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And the post BM drama hit!

Posted by on Jan. 6, 2015 at 9:44 PM
  • 11 Replies

Seriously, after every visit with BM and/or BM's family SD comes home totally fine. And then 2-4 days later there's a massive meltdown about something small and out comes all this information about what a crappy time SD had.

BM picked SD up on the 26th took SD to BM's mom's house 4 hours away and came back to our town (where BM lives). BM's mom dropped SD off to DH sunday the 4th. From December 26-January 4 BM spent 3 days with SD, but also went out all 3 nights (according to SD) that she was in town.

So, today DS and SD were asked to help out with some extra chores. SD disappeared and DS did almost all of the work. DS was upset and told SD he wasn't happy, she burst into tears flipping out. I was in the kitchen making dinner and the kids were in the dining room talking. I heard everything, DS wasn't rude or mean.

Anyways, SD admitted that her great grandma (BM's grandma) accused SD of not loving them enough because she doesn't visit enough (hell, BM doesn't even take her regular EOWE visitation and she lives in the same freaking city as us!) and not calling them enough. To be honest, SD never calls her great grandparents when she's home. SD has a cell phone and she knows she's allowed to call any family members whenever she wants. The only stipulation we EVER put on her phone use was when BM's sister live in Europe. We're in the US, it was SUPER expensive to make those calls. And I guess BM's mom is still trying to convince BM to move back in and convince Alayna to request to move there as well. That will never happen. DH would NEVER agree to that, and there's no way BM could convince a judge it would be in SD's best interest. When SD DID live with BM at BM's mom's house all of SD's medical and educational needs were SEVERELY neglected and we have proof.

Ugh. My poor girl.

At least her meltdown only lasted about 5 minutes. I facilitated a conversation between DS and SD, they came to an agreement that if that keeps happening SD will forefeit a portion of her weekly allowance to DS (it's been a common issue of SD disappearing when they're asked to do something and DS doing all of the work). And I told SD not to stress about her great grandma. I said that her great grandma just doesn't like not being able to see her much, especially with SD being the only grandchild and great grandchild in that side of the family.

All is well now. 

by on Jan. 6, 2015 at 9:44 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ame4c
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 9:54 PM
She may need some counciling to learn to deal with all these feelings. It sounds like she's stuffing and exploding when her cup runs over. Coumceling will help her learn how to process these feelings in a better and more healthy matter.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 9:59 PM

She was in counseling. But, we stopped when DH and I had the skills to help her work through these post visit issues.

And we're able to work through these emotional issues each time. It just takes SD a few days once she's home to process everything and let it all out. 

Quoting ame4c: She may need some counciling to learn to deal with all these feelings. It sounds like she's stuffing and exploding when her cup runs over. Coumceling will help her learn how to process these feelings in a better and more healthy matter.


jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 10:15 PM
How old is ggm? XGMIL, my boys GGMa, was in get 80s and seemed to lose her filter (between what she thought and what should be shared with a young, impressionable child) in her early 70s. It was easier to teach the boys to use a filter with her words than try to change her. She's since passed (2+ years ago now) and that was partly a relief, besides her not being in pain/suffering any longer, that the boys didn't have to keep their guard up around her as often. She was downright cruel sometimes. I'd step in and have a "talk" with her when necessary but the boys got better as they got older too.

I'm sorry she has to hear such things during what should be a good visit with her mom. How disappointing.
DDDaysh
by Bronze Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 10:21 PM

poor kiddo... 

It stinks she's being overwhelmed with guilt from them.  But it sounds like things are getting better.  Hopefully this too shall pass. 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 10:22 PM

Great grandma is in her early-mid 80s I guess. I don't know exactly.

According to DH, when he and BM were together BM used to complain about great grandma all the time about being cruel to her as a kid (calling her fat and stupid, complaining about what she ate, how she dressed, etc). About a year ago (when BM said she wanted to have custody back eventually) SD started really having isues with her great grandma and grandma trying to convince her to "chose to live with them when she got old enough to tell a judge what sh wanted."

Things are SUPER high conflict, so even mentioning something to BM about it doesn't help. The plus side is that SD won't be seeing BM's family again for a while. We had made an agreement with BM outside of the CO giving BM's mom one weekend a month (and BM would provide all transportation), that only went through December. BM has said 3 times over the last month that she wants to make a schedule for the rest of the school year, but she hasn't emailed DH about it yet.

Quoting jules2boys: How old is ggm? XGMIL, my boys GGMa, was in get 80s and seemed to lose her filter (between what she thought and what should be shared with a young, impressionable child) in her early 70s. It was easier to teach the boys to use a filter with her words than try to change her. She's since passed (2+ years ago now) and that was partly a relief, besides her not being in pain/suffering any longer, that the boys didn't have to keep their guard up around her as often. She was downright cruel sometimes. I'd step in and have a "talk" with her when necessary but the boys got better as they got older too. I'm sorry she has to hear such things during what should be a good visit with her mom. How disappointing.


Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jan. 6, 2015 at 10:29 PM

Yep. She's back to her usual self.

Quoting DDDaysh:

poor kiddo... 

It stinks she's being overwhelmed with guilt from them.  But it sounds like things are getting better.  Hopefully this too shall pass. 


CStarz
by Bronze Member on Jan. 7, 2015 at 10:28 AM

Poor kid- I totally empathize with your situation we have a similiar situation with the kids coming home fine and then a couple of days later melting down over something weird and small and then the truth of the visit coming tumbling out. It's tough but we just do a lot of hugging and talking as much as possible. Best of luck!!!

texasma06
by Member on Jan. 8, 2015 at 5:02 AM
That situation always stinks. My sd acts this way after every phone call with her mom. We've had to stop the calls for now for that among other reasons. It's slays hard when they are hurting.
amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2015 at 6:06 AM
Poor sd! It's good that she finally gets it out though
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jan. 8, 2015 at 11:18 AM
It took so long to get her to talk to us about issues as she thought we'd tell BM about it and SD was scared because then she'd get into trouble with BM.

We finally had to tell her that conversations with us were like with her counselor, we wouldn't intentionally keep secrets from BM, but we wouldn't tell BM about it unless we left it was a dangerous situation for SD or we had SD's permission.

Quoting amantonacci: Poor sd! It's good that she finally gets it out though
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