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ECs if you could do it all again

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 2:08 PM
  • 30 Replies

So we are at the stage where dh and bm will be developing a parenting plan. They are in the final stages of custody court. They have had no court order and have been divorced for 6 years. Dh keeps telling people he is "in the middle of a divorce". We've been married three years, so they look at me funny. lol

One thing I anticipate being an issue as bm has been uncooperative about things thus far, is extracurriculars.

For reference, they are 50/50; their income is split 70/30. The one making more pays some CS to the other. The one paying cs gets a reduction for paying for child care and medical expenses and because it is 50/50, nothing else is considered in our state. If it were not 50/50, I would say the CP pays and it is covered in CS. Neither household is in dire straits where normal activities are going to make or break.

BM has in the past signed sd up for things and insisted dh pay for half (plus costumes, etc), yet when dh signs her up for things she refuses to contribute a penny. Dh also has historically done all/most of the drop off/pick up for ECs, even on bm's days.

Right now, we are fine with this: if bm signs her up, bm pays; if dh signs her up, dh pays. However- I can see how this might backfire in the future when sd is older and ECs are initiated by her rather than one or other parent- then who pays?! And as she gets older, things may become more expensive. OTOH, I don't want to see it written as being split (I can see it either being split 70/30 by income or 50/50 since there is an income disparity, but CS should "even" that) because I could see bm putting her in things and demanding dh pay his share.

So, I was wondering for those of you who have BTDT, how do you WISH your court order were written?

I am leaning toward keeping it vague. If sd wants to do something, dh can approach bm and request half- and if she says no, then we can decide if we can afford it all or just tell sd sorry.

I guess the options I am mulling are pay 50/50, pay 70/30, each pay for things they want, or case by case. Thoughts?

by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 2:08 PM
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by Ruby Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 2:17 PM

 i think i would have it written into the CO that EC's be agreed upon and cost divided.

that being said, BM doesnt help w much. SO forces her to buy shoes or some item they need. idk how, lol. i think he just tells her to and if she objects throws guilt at her. she should feel guilty, she doesnt go to none of their events at all.

by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 3:57 PM
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I'm just happy at this point he pays his child support at all. Its written in the CO that he pay 1/2 the medical but he doesn't. I'm not sure it is worth taking him back to court to fight over. He owes me about $5000. Even if they order him to pay doesn't mean he will.
by Ruby Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 4:04 PM

My DH and Bm have no CO-he agreeds to split ONE EC per season-anything more then that-BM has to cover-because that's all we can afford. Even though SD13 is not DH's bio child-we also split costs for HER EC's. They split transportation along with BM's boyfriend.

I would think that when your stepchild gets older and wants to choose her activities-then perhaps they need to limit the amount of EC's and evenly split all costs and get that put in writing.

by Amy on Jan. 14, 2015 at 4:55 PM

Our CO doesn't say anything about ECs, but my ex & I have a verbal agreement that we discuss ECs before they happen and if both parties agree, he sends me 1/2 the cost monthly (or as a one time thing).  I like it that way.

by Ruby Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:00 PM

ECs are split 50/50 in DH's CO, he pays it all, no problem since it is SS who goes to the ECs and not BM.

by Alex on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:07 PM

Ours is written as EC are agreed on and anything over $100 is split 50/50 both parents buy the kids equipment. I like the way it is

by Audra on Jan. 14, 2015 at 6:39 PM

I pay all of my DD EC. I can barely get CS from my ex so getting money for EC is a joke.

SO also pays all of SD EC. BM does not contribute to anything. 

EC aren't in either of our CO . I'd be happy with a 50/50 split.

by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 7:23 PM

My CO is written that ECs are split. But I paid it all. It was just too much trouble to collect from the other parent.

So even if the CO is written correctly, there is no guarentee you will collect money from the other parent. Not without a lot of trips to court. It just wasn't worth it for me.

by Ruby Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 7:34 PM
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I find it to be too much trouble to collect on anything that isn't garnishable. So I have stopped trying. My order doesn't discuss ECs and the financial aspect. My daughter is 13 and she pretty much tells us what she wants to do. I decide if I can afford it. By co her father is to make her available on his time or forfeit.

I do all the driving and stuff because even if we were married I would be doing it all anyway. So I do not ever mind taking my child to anything.

I had it to do all over again and I changed it so that my child could finally participate in things that may be scheduled outside of my control. That was my only regret from when she was younger. It's fixed now. I'll gladly pay for everything. The headache is too much and I like the drama free life I've developed for my home and family by not expecting anything from her father.
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by Silver Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 7:58 PM
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There is nothing in DH's CO about it.

He pays double what the legal guidelines say he should pay voluntarily. BM wouldn't let SS play baseball because she said she didn't have any money. So DH paid for all his fees and things on top of paying double CS.

No point making the child suffer because one parent is greedy.

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