• In the Spotlight:
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

S/O of adopting if mom died

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2015 at 11:58 AM
  • 52 Replies
1 mom liked this

There were many who said that if mom died that they would consider adopting their Sks. Another poster posted what I think is a valid question...

If your husband died would you immediately attempt to replace him? Add to that, if your own mom passed or has, would you or did you seek out a new mom to replace her? If not, why not? 

Why is it okay to be disrespectful of a mom's place in  her kid's life even in death? Some said it would be to have rights, completely ignoring the fact that a POA can cover that without trying to erase mom and change a kid's life even more. 

If Sks are older (not adult, but not a toddler) I'd hope that, if this happened, they'd tell you no, they don't want yo adopting them even though you may feel that is best for them. Plenty of people have passed while they had minor children and there is no one there to attempt to fill a void that can't ever actually be filled. That can be a part of life. And it's a sucky part, but a part of life nonetheless. 

Why not just be there for the kid and help them get through a bad time instead of looking at your rights to someone else's kid as if that is beneficial to anyone but you? 

by on Jan. 31, 2015 at 11:58 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:14 PM
4 moms liked this
I think you are taking this too personally. Changing a name on a piece of paper does not erase someone's past. It's like saying my life before marriage didn't happen cause I changed my last name.

No...I wouldn't immediately try to replace DH if he passsed. But I also don't have a man waiting to be my husband if something happened either. I've always said that if something happened to DH or between us that the kids would be grown before I would find someone new.

As an adult, why would I need a mom replacement? As a child, I would have looked to find a female figure to help fill the void.

The only time I would consider it disrespectful is if SM was doing it to spite BM...which is pointless after she is gone.

POA is pointless if the BP who signed it is gone.

I think adoption should only happen if the best place for the child is with the SP...should both BPs pass. Perhaps legal guardianship instead if that is an alternative.
Pero4
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:20 PM

So SM is the "lady in waiting"???

Quoting SassyMom25:But I also don't have a man waiting to be my husband if something happened either.

 

happywifey08
by on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:21 PM

If DH died I am content being a widow for a long time. I am pregnant with #4. I would have no time or desire to date. DH best friend and godfather to the children would spend time with the girls. so they would still have a positive male influence in their life. I have known a few women who never remarried after they lost their spouse. 

If my own Mom passed it would be sad, but we are not that close. There are no women I am close to, older or otherwise, same with men. I am not, nor have I ever been close to either of my parents. I don't think you can replace people. You can just choose to be available if they want you or not, but not replace. The only logical reasons I can think of to adopt a child when a parent die is if the birth parent was never in their life to begin with and every one consents or the child is very young and the surviving parent consents. In my state, if a child is over the age of 12 you need their consent to adopt. 

Although, thinking further, I wouldn't like the idea of DH letting someone adopt the children if I died while they were young. Tough subject. 

packermom4ever
by on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:22 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting SassyMom25: I think you are taking this too personally. Changing a name on a piece of paper does not erase someone's past. It's like saying my life before marriage didn't happen cause I changed my last name. No...I wouldn't immediately try to replace DH if he passsed. But I also don't have a man waiting to be my husband if something happened either.
So, dad and the kids have a mom waiting in case mom passes?  Here i thought that SM was just being a wife, not mom in waiting. 
This topic is a bit personal for me. After reading the drivel on that post I'm glad my ex is single and not involved. No mom in waiting thinking about how she would just "change the name on a piece of paper" in case of my early demise. Because to  me it is more than that. It doesn't just change the name... it says I"m not the mother anymore. Yeah, the kids would know better, but for all intents and purposes (legally) I cease to be who I was to my children because some woman didn't understand that she didn't need to try to change that. 
I've always said that if something happened to DH or between us that the kids would be grown before I would find someone new. As an adult, why would I need a mom replacement?
Why would a kid need a mom replacement if an adult doesn't? It's the same thing. You have one mom, my kids have one mom. Why would that not be true if I died? Me being gone doesn't mean I'm not their mom, it means their mom passed. SM should still be happy just being SM. 
As a child, I would have looked to find a female figure to help fill the void. The only time I would consider it disrespectful is if SM was doing it to spite BM...which is pointless after she is gone. POA is pointless if the BP who signed it is gone. I think adoption should only happen if the best place for the child is with the SP...should both BPs pass. Perhaps legal guardianship instead if that is an alternative.
A POA isn't pointless as the one who signs it is alive...dad. I don't think it is in the kid's best interest most of the time to adopt another person's kid when that parent has passed. That is disrespectful even though the parent is no longer alive. If mom gave the child up that is one thing. It's also direspectful to the children. 
I admit this topic makes me think people have no idea what respect is and the internet just gives people a vehicle for saying what they wouldnt' have the balls to say out loud. How many SMs on here would happily tell mom they'll adopt and be mom in case she passes? How many talk to their husbands about replacing mom because they aren't happy with a POA? How many tell their SKs that they shouldn't worry if their mom passes because SM will be mom after mom passes?


faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:23 PM
I probably wouldn't adopt my skids in any case.
happywifey08
by on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:25 PM

No the question was if your DH died, typically a married women doesn't have a man waiting in line to marry her in the event her husband dies. If BF died would have probably been a more comparable question for the post. 

Quoting Pero4:

So SM is the "lady in waiting"???

Quoting SassyMom25:But I also don't have a man waiting to be my husband if something happened either.



runinpinkshoes
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:27 PM
1 mom liked this
I definitely wouldn't.

Quoting faerie75: I probably wouldn't adopt my skids in any case.
packermom4ever
by on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:27 PM


Quoting happywifey08:

No the question was if your DH died, typically a married women doesn't have a man waiting in line to marry her in the event her husband dies. If BF died would have probably been a more comparable question for the post. 

Quoting Pero4:

So SM is the "lady in waiting"???

Quoting SassyMom25:But I also don't have a man waiting to be my husband if something happened either.


No, the question was comparable. The kids have lost someone they love and important to them, a part of them. SM would have lost the same.  


faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:30 PM
It wouldn't benefit them anyways, BM's got a rich Gma and they would stand to inherit if BM was gone.

SO told me if her Gma dies and she inherits, she will spend all of it in a year.

I hope she set up a trust for the skids. Lol


Quoting runinpinkshoes: I definitely wouldn't.

Quoting faerie75: I probably wouldn't adopt my skids in any case.
Pero4
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:31 PM

I did get the question ... but your answer suggested that you can replace a BP just like a broken toaster. A second wife should replace the first, absolutely. But does this automatically mean that she would be able to replace the mother? Should there even be the need to replace the mother?

Quoting happywifey08:

No the question was if your DH died, typically a married women doesn't have a man waiting in line to marry her in the event her husband dies. If BF died would have probably been a more comparable question for the post. 

Quoting Pero4:

So SM is the "lady in waiting"???

Quoting SassyMom25:But I also don't have a man waiting to be my husband if something happened either.

 

 

 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)