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Is it too much to ask for her to wait at the hotel for pick ups/drop offs?

Posted by on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:52 PM
  • 281 Replies

BF is planning to take his first 2 visits with DD at his hotel next Sat (5 hours) and Sun (2 hours) as per our CO. We had our weekly phone call on Thursday night and he informed me that his fiancee will be flying out here with him, so she can finally meet DD.

I knew this was going to happen and I was preparing myself for her to meet DD. I didn't think he'd bring her on his first visit alone with her, however. He has such little time with her as it is (7 hours total), so I figured he'd want some one-on-one time. But, I do know that she wanted to meet DD (and me) when DD was 2 weeks old, and I refused because I didn't want her in my home (we didn't have a CO and BF was visiting DD in my home) and because I thought it was too soon. And I know that she gave BF a hard time because he wouldn't put his foot down with me and bring her anyway. So, that could factor in to why she's coming out now. I will admit that I don't like the idea of her being around my child now. They aren't married yet, therefore she is nothing to DD, but Dad's girlfriend. I also realize there is nothing I can do about this.

I asked BF if she could stay at the hotel while he picks up/drops off DD because it is their first visit, and the first time I'll be sending DD off with him. I know he'll take good care of her, but I'm still anxious about it. She's my baby. I think if his fiancee was there, it would be more overwhelming for me. BF said that she was planning to have a little talk with me before they took DD and that's when I stopped communicating like an adult. I told him that I do not plan to talk to her or see her until they are married and I don't understand why the fuck she wants to talk to me! I said I'm coparenting with him, not her, she wasn't in the bed with us and I have absolutely nothing to say to her! 

He asked me to calm down and said she feels we do have some things to discuss- our roles in DD's life, and upcoming events. I said you can tell her I said I know my role in DD's life I'm her mother, that he's her father, and she's nothing but her LD father's girlfriend. He said she understands this, but he sat down with her son's dad when his fiancee and her son moved in with him and they cleared things up and they get along great and she wants the same for her and I. That situation is entirely different though. BF lives with his fiancee's son and her son's dad has him EOW, so BF sees the kid more than his dad does... that's not the situation here.

Then I asked what upcoming events did she want to discuss and apparently she wants to talk to me about their wedding. I laughed and said I refuse to discuss the wedding with her, I said he hasn't even discussed it with me. I don't even know when it is. He said it's December 26th and they would love to have DD there. I told him I've been thinking about this since he mentioned it in court and I'm willing to fly there before the wedding with DD, and they can have her for the ceremony, and return her to me when it's over or earlier if she needs a nap. He said that wasn't what they were thinking, but he'd discuss it with her and get back to me. I said fine, but please don't bring her to pick up/drop off DD. He asked if I would think about it so he can tell her that. I said I'm not going to think about it and she'll have to deal with that, she can still see DD. BF said that it would be easier on him if I could go along with this. I said it's stressful enough for me to send DD off with him, that I don't need a high conflict conversation just prior to it. He said that we are not high conflict, so why do I assume she and I would have a high conflict conversation, and I said that's because I'm willing to work with him and the only times that we haven't seen eye to eye since DD was born was when it involved her. And that I'm not going to give in just to make it easier on him. He said he understands my position on this and we'd talk next Thursday.


Am I wrong???

by on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:52 PM
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Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 12:59 PM
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I think if she was smart she would not go but if she does you will need to deal w it. You aren't required to deal w her though.

You really shouldn't say bitchy things to him like "she's nothing!" She didn't do anything to you.
Gianna2014
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 1:04 PM

I wouldn't do anything crazy, I'd just hand over DD to him and shut the door, whether she's standing there or not. I could see us talking if DD was going to North Carolina, since she would probably be DD's main caregiver while BF was working, but at this rate, if she keeps pushing this, I may not ever want to speak to her.

Quoting faerie75: I think if she was smart she would not go but if she does you will need to deal w it. You are t required to deal w her though.


Gianna2014
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 1:05 PM


Quoting faerie75: I think if she was smart she would not go but if she does you will need to deal w it. You aren't required to deal w her though. You really shouldn't say bitchy things to him like "she's nothing!" She didn't do anything to you.

I shouldn't have said that, but she wanted to discuss our roles in DD's life- which made me think she is considering herself as a parent , and that rubbed me the wrong way. 

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 1:07 PM
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Just tell him as the baby's parents, you and he discuss these things. He can delegate duties to her in his time.

Quoting Gianna2014:

Quoting faerie75: I think if she was smart she would not go but if she does you will need to deal w it. You aren't required to deal w her though.

You really shouldn't say bitchy things to him like "she's nothing!" She didn't do anything to you.

I shouldn't have said that, but she wanted to discuss our roles in DD's life- which made me think she is considering herself as a parent , and that rubbed me the wrong way. 

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 1:09 PM
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No, you are not wrong.  How old is DD?

i think what you should work on is not allowing BF to see any of your emotion.  You are understandably stressed about your DD not being with you, even for such a short period of time because I am assuming she is really young.  Don't let that get mixed up in feelings about an overstepping territory marking fiance of a weak man.

What you don't want to have happen is allowing this to change the healthy perspective that you have regarding Coparenting with a long distance BF.  That will be hard enough.  What the hell is he thinking giving in to his fiance's demands that it is OK for her to discuss their wedding with you?  she sounds like an insecure piece of work.

dont get angry about her, let her mean nothing.  Don't defend your position, just say no, you do not wish to meet fiance at this point.  No, you do not want her coming to the hotel and that you hope BF can respect that.

Gianna2014
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 1:17 PM

She's 4 months old.

I'm really trying to control my emotions. I'm actually much better at it than I use to be. I'm very impulsive and I typically do/say things without thinking it through, especially when I feel like I'm no longer in control. I've been planning out his visit with Dd in my head for over a week, how I'll deal with it, what I can do to keep myself busy while he has her... But having a talk with her before DD leaves was not a part of the plan. And I feel like BF just expects me to say ok and deal with it. Like I'm being unreasonable. He makes me feel like I'm unreasonable. 

I have no idea how he can think her discussing the wedding with me is appropriate. And yes, it makes her sound insecure, like she wants to piss on BF in front of me. 

I realize he can bring her along to meet DD, but he doesn't have to take her to my house to get DD.

Quoting pdxmum:

No, you are not wrong.  How old is DD?

i think what you should work on is not allowing BF to see any of your emotion.  You are understandably stressed about your DD not being with you, even for such a short period of time because I am assuming she is really young.  Don't let that get mixed up in feelings about an overstepping territory marking fiance of a weak man.

What you don't want to have happen is allowing this to change the healthy perspective that you have regarding Coparenting with a long distance BF.  That will be hard enough.  What the hell is he thinking giving in to his fiance's demands that it is OK for her to discuss their wedding with you?  she sounds like an insecure piece of work.

dont get angry about her, let her mean nothing.  Don't defend your position, just say no, you do not wish to meet fiance at this point.  No, you do not want her coming to the hotel and that you hope BF can respect that.


pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 1:23 PM

So I just read through your old posts.  What are your personal feelings about him these days?  Have you resolved those?  Is some of this jealousy on your part?  And even if you do still have feelings, she is overstepping.  Being honest with yourself will only help you deal with it better.

Do you have a CO yet?

Gianna2014
by Bronze Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 1:33 PM

I'm working on accepting his engagement/marriage in therapy. I'm letting him go. I'm trying to move on, but it isn't going to happen overnight. I know how he feels and I respect that and I'm not going to try to get him back. I plan to act neutral towards him.

I knew she'd visit with DD at some point and I have been preparing myself for that. It would be easier on me if she wasn't there for pick up/drop offs at my house, because I don't care to see her. If DD was going to North Carolina with him, I would meet her, because my DD would be in her care while BF was at work. This is a short hotel visit with BF right there, I don't think it's necessary for us to meet now. 

For me, it's easier to accept her with BF, then as a parental figure to DD. She got engaged to BF thinking that they'd have custody of DD and she'd be a SAHM to DD and her son. This isn't how it played out and I feel like that's what she wants, though. 

We do have a CO. DD won't be travelling to North Carolina until she's at least 2.

Quoting pdxmum:

So I just read through your old posts.  What are your personal feelings about him these days?  Have you resolved those?  Is some of this jealousy on your part?  And even if you do still have feelings, she is overstepping.  Being honest with yourself will only help you deal with it better.

Do you have a CO yet?


Boobear110
by Audra on Jan. 31, 2015 at 1:51 PM
1 mom liked this

No you are not wrong but you are going to have to , eventually, accept that she is 

" something" to your DD. She is going to be her SM. Now, that being said, she's going to a LD SM. Who will not spend any significant amount of time with her until she's older. Even if she comes for every visit. 

She has no reason to discuss the wedding with you. That is up to BD. If he can't handle that then I guess your answer is no DD isn't going. 

I told you before , you are taking all right steps to make this as easy as possible. It's not going to happen overnight. Keep working on you and you will do fine .

XXanonymousXX
by Gold Member on Jan. 31, 2015 at 1:51 PM
2 moms liked this
You aren't out of line in not wanting to deal with her, to talk to her, to hand her your child at pick ups, to have her in your house or standing on your door step.

And you are perfectly right in feeling that she is nothing - to you. She's as important and involved in your life as you want her to be. She's basically a stranger to you. Strangers don't get to dictate their place in your life.

If she really wants to come for the pick up she should stay in the car, as it has nothing to do with her. Her place is with BF, on his time, not in your face on your doorstep.
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