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Should I write DH a letter of expectations?

Posted by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 11:07 AM
  • 41 Replies

So about a week 1/2 ago, I posted about some issues I have been having with the transition of our blended family. Basically, I feel like I have been bending over backwards to help DH and SKIDS because it's expected, and getting nothing in return- and I have no say in anything concerning the skids. I have felt like I do not have a say in how my household is run, etc. One of the biggest concerns was the fact that my stepson is in desperate need of counseling, I helped DH fight for him to get in it, (because he asked for my help and I want him to be happy in our home) then BM stopped the counseling and DH has given up, saying he doesn't need it now. (Lots of other stuff occured, but you get the gist) 

So I had a breakdown last weekend, went off on DH and told him that I was going to leave if we didn't come up with a compromise. I took into consideration a lot of what you ladies had to say- about what I should be doing, and not be doing as a stepmom. (So thank you!) One thing I suggested was for us to go to counseling. I also said that I needed boundaries, and was not going to parent his children (coordinate and pay for sports, pick kids up from school/daycare, pay for attorneys for him, etc) if at the end of the day, I have no say in the other stuff. Ex: BM emailed him last week, asked him to take the kids all week because she : was having surgery (she emailed in the evening the day before her 7:00 am surgery!) In the midst of us talking about it, me stating how this was rude of her and she needs to give us notice, etc. he emails her that he would take the kids, no problem- this pissed me off. I know he did it only because he wants the kids more- BUT he has no way to pick the kids up from daycare, school, etc I ended up changing my work schedule to accomodate- this is what spurned the breakdown. (My fault I know for not telling him the added responsibility is on him) 

Ok, so the fight: We made up, he agreed to counseling, we cried, he doesn't want a divorce, etc. The next day we pretend everything is great, however we had no plan on how things would change or how to prevent the chaos in the future. I have tried to bring it up but his response is that we've gone over why I'm unhappy and he doesn't want to go over it again, he still thinks this is about me not liking his exwife. I mentioned counseling and he kinda brushed it off- like he was agreeing while in the makeup process to appease me and not fight. (Last time he went to court with BM, he agreed to co-parenting counseling with the crazy in order to gain an additional night with the kids- amongst other ridiculous things like sharing custody of the fucking dog) I feel very shitty that he would go to counseling to make things better with his ex wife, but not to help save his current marriage. 

So, I guess what I am thinking is: I drafted a letter that states what my boundaries will be. Such as I will not pay for attorneys for you if you will be agreeing to things that affect our household without discussing with me about those changes. I will not schedule and pay for sports if you do not follow the CO and ask for the reimbursement. I will not take on additional responsibility of your kids unless I am given advance notice and it works for my schedule. If you do not take my input about serious matters with your kids, the onus is on you for getting them help when needed- and I will not allow x,y, z behavior in my house. 
Basically, I refuse to be a doormat, I want a partnership not a one sided whatever this is. Do you think it would be a good idea to give him this letter? I am just trying to find a way for him to see that I am serious about my boundaries and expectations. 

by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 11:07 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pseudomamma
by Silver Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 11:18 AM
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I think you guys need counseling.  However if he isn't planning on going, just saying he is, then you need to find one and go yourself.  You need to figure out how much of a doormat you want to be.  You can lay down all the laws you want, but you cannot make anyone follow them.  Go get yourself the tools you need to deal with this.  In DHs eyes, this is your problem.  So go fix it.

Agentmom4957
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 11:22 AM

I had actually made an appointment for the two of us, and after his shruggin off the counseling, decided to go on my own. I think alot of this is my problem because I am allowing it, definitely. I think I have become an enabler and that scares me. 

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 11:30 AM
7 moms liked this

I wouldn't write a letter.  You already told him all this. He says he doesn't want to hear it again.  Just start doing what you say.  You have stated your boundaries, he has had fair warning.  Just do it.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Feb. 4, 2015 at 11:38 AM
2 moms liked this
I think it needs to simplified and you need to say exactly what it is you want. Like I told my DH he isn't allowed to fight with me about the kids(mine or his. Usually his) in front of the kids. If he has a disagreement he can talk to me in private.

Make specific requests instead of the whole generalized thing and the whole "I'm a hard ass and this is what I want or its over " I mean you did cause some of this by "letting" yourself get too involved in the Forst place. I say that nicely bc I did as well. We can't blame them for that resentment we will. BUT you can WORK on the new items at hand. Your Dh is willing to work with BM in counseling and even shares the dog?! Heck no. He needs to work on his marriage and I think parenting counseling is dumb. 2ppl will always have differences in parenting.

He needs to work with you and vaildate your feelings. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've had my share of stupid drama. I don't get why my Dh wont validate when I tell him to please tell my skids not to touch certain things of mine. (Phone cords Ect) but if it's his stuff he has a shit attack. YA,sure is funny.... Good luck
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Agentmom4957
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 11:52 AM

I completely agree that I am responsible for letting it get to this point. I don't think I'm pulling the badass card lol! What I was thinking was more or less very simple as you suggested. Basically stating that 'this' is not on me, and 'that' isn't going to fliy. This is how we will return to the awesome team we were, etc. I think that when we argued over the weekend, it was just too emotional a conversation and in putting into paper my boundaries and how I will be in the future, maybe my points will get across more than my crying and yelling...Thank you for the input! 

Quoting Steamedpuddle30: I think it needs to simplified and you need to say exactly what it is you want. Like I told my DH he isn't allowed to fight with me about the kids(mine or his. Usually his) in front of the kids. If he has a disagreement he can talk to me in private. Make specific requests instead of the whole generalized thing and the whole "I'm a hard ass and this is what I want or its over " I mean you did cause some of this by "letting" yourself get too involved in the Forst place. I say that nicely bc I did as well. We can't blame them for that resentment we will. BUT you can WORK on the new items at hand. Your Dh is willing to work with BM in counseling and even shares the dog?! Heck no. He needs to work on his marriage and I think parenting counseling is dumb. 2ppl will always have differences in parenting. He needs to work with you and vaildate your feelings. I'm sorry you are going through this. I've had my share of stupid drama. I don't get why my Dh wont validate when I tell him to please tell my skids not to touch certain things of mine. (Phone cords Ect) but if it's his stuff he has a shit attack. YA,sure is funny.... Good luck


wise.toes
by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 12:23 PM
1 mom liked this

what good would a letter do? you already told him. he knows what you expect.

follow through on your words.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Feb. 4, 2015 at 12:30 PM
3 moms liked this
I think you have as well. I have done that then cried when everyone in the house trampled over my generosity. It sucks thas for sure but you have to be happy with yourself and not hold them accountable for your happiness.

Disengage and make yourself happy again. Don't worry about your dh going to counseling. Maybe he will get something good out of it. It's goikg to take some time but I think you can get there.



Quoting Agentmom4957:

I had actually made an appointment for the two of us, and after his shruggin off the counseling, decided to go on my own. I think alot of this is my problem because I am allowing it, definitely. I think I have become an enabler and that scares me. 

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packermom4ever
by on Feb. 4, 2015 at 12:33 PM

Help or don't, that's your decision, but to demand you be included in everything isn't the way to go, IMO. If the parents work something out you don't have to help them, but you don't have to be given input.

Agentmom4957
by Bronze Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 12:33 PM

I think that when we talked about it over the weekend, it was a fight. Yelling, crying and not constructive. And I think when people are emotional, it all becomes a big ole blur. And when we ended the fight, it was more about 'I love you, I don't want you to leave' than it was 'Yes, this is how we fix it, and yes these are our boundaries.' I think the meat and potatoes was forgotten... 

britney678
by Silver Member on Feb. 4, 2015 at 12:42 PM
2 moms liked this
If you are the one paying for everything, then it sounds like your job is more important than his. So, why are you the one rearranging your work schedule when he makes a schedule change with BM? Let him worry about it. In fact, they're his kids; he should be the one worrying about it anyway.
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