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BM oversteps again! - This is a vent! :)

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 9:20 AM
  • 47 Replies
1 mom liked this

SO DH's birthday was Monday. The previous week DH and BM had been going back and forth over when the kids were coming over to see him so that my MIL could have a party at my house (yeah, weird I know) the party got rescheduled so many effing times because BM changed what worked for her...got to the point where I told DH 'Stop trying to fight and negotiate with her and we will just plan this on your scheduled time. It's not good for you OR the kids!' Ok, so that's fine. After he told her that, BM said she had to work last Saturday, and rather than just letting DH have the kids, asked my MIL because DH was so difficult!! DH offered to take the kids, because 'hello, he had wanted them anyways and he gets first right of refusal!' She went balistic and said she'd rather drop dead than let him have one more night with the kids and called into work so he couldn't have them. (5 year old temper tantrum!!!) 

They've also been fighting over costs- we made the decision that for this rotation only, we are not enrolling the girls in gymnastics becuase money is way too tight. She flipped about that and called him a deadbeat, said she is SO BROKE because she raises HER three children on her OWN (Even though she doesn't coordinate or pay for shit for her kids.) That she will tell them they are not in gymnastics because daddy won't pay for it. 

Fast forward to Monday afternoon- DH's birthday. She emails him and says that she wants the kids to be with their dad on their birthday, makes a point to say 'I am putting aside your pettiness because I am the only one who puts these kids first'. WTF??!! Drops them at my MIL's (without clearing with DH first) and drops off a huge ass cake for his birthday!!! 

Mind you, I had already bought him a cake. In our house, it's become a cute little tradition, a few days before a birthday, the kid (or adult) tells me what kind of cake they like and I get it, or make it. It's become more of a present than cake. BM said that the middle skid wanted to buy a cake, she did it for the kids, not him. (She also bought a shit ton, overabundance of stuff for ME around Thanksgiving, just after harassing me and calling the police to harass us for a well check) She's a bit bipolar. I had told her to please not buy or bring anything to our house unless it's an apology. If the kids want to MAKE something, fine. But she needs to stop, unless she's bringing a big fat apology with it!! :) 

I walk in the door that evening after a long day of work, middle kid says to me, 'Look!! Mommy bought Daddy a cake for his birthday!!' I say, oh, how lovely! Did you help pick it out?' 'Nope, she bought it and it was there when we got home!' Nice. I smile. And look at the price tag,  almost the same exact amount that her measely portion of sports this rotation would be. 

AAAHHH!!!!! :) Please, this is literally just an almost comical little vent. No bashing, just thought some may get a kick out of it. 


by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 9:20 AM
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Replies (1-10):
FrankieR
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 9:29 AM

Wow! Gotta love those high conflict BM moments. Jeez.. So glad I'm not like that with my Bios. 

Cfischer0217
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 9:46 AM
Ugh that's crazy!! Bm makes no sense!!
The first refusal is in my dh papers too and it causes nothing but trouble! Bm can use it all she wants but when dh tries to use it she won't allow it! The kids go to her moms instead of with us! But my dh is finally starting to stand up to her, so hopefully it continues!
How is you dh doing with everything?
Agentmom4957
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 9:59 AM
1 mom liked this

DH and I are doing very well. We had a counseling session and it was so good that the couselor was almost in tears. I'm not sure what exactly the change was...but I DO think it had a lot to do with this group. I know that I had some serious changes that I needed to make, however it took some prodding and sometimes nasty comments from the peanut gallery here to show me that. (A lot I did not agree with, but the rest helped so much) And DH had a lot of serious changes to make too. Neither one of us could do that until we let the past go and met in the middle. It's not perfect, but man is it so much better. 

As for how DH is doing with the BM stuff? Much better. He is trying to be the voice of reason. It's hard for him to have a crazy woman in control as much as BM is, but he's starting to learn that all he can do is do the best he can, not argue with crazy- and take notes. Lol... 

And the effed up thing about first refusal, is that it only works when the two get along. And if they DO...it's not needed to be put in a CO. DH doesn't care if someone watches the kids for her during an afternoon for a couple hours, but overnights he feels he should have the kids. She doesn't agree, but threatens to put him in jail, if I watch the kids for an hour! lol...oh man. 

Quoting Cfischer0217: Ugh that's crazy!! Bm makes no sense!! The first refusal is in my dh papers too and it causes nothing but trouble! Bm can use it all she wants but when dh tries to use it she won't allow it! The kids go to her moms instead of with us! But my dh is finally starting to stand up to her, so hopefully it continues! How is you dh doing with everything?


fedupmama
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:11 AM

I am curious what the custody situation is?  Also does BM see or hear about your reaction to this kind of stuff?  Because likely she knows exactly what she is doing.  

wise.toes
by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:13 AM
1 mom liked this

i have to ask how BM gets by not paying for shit for her children when it seems she's the primary parent? i'm sure she pays for a lot. 

how do the girls feel about being removed from gymnastics because mom and dad are too busy fighting? =(

as for the sleepover with gma thing..that was such a silly thing to get in an argument over. what would have a night with his mother harmed? seems he was fighting her for the sake of fighting her.

in high conflict situations it's very important to choose your battles wisely. 

and comments you've made to her are so completely unnecessary. everyone in this situation needs to grow up and learn how to shut their mouths and only communicate when necessary. 

the party should have been planned on his time to begin with. would have saved all the drama of the back and forth there too.

Agentmom4957
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:16 AM

DH has EOWE, Thursdays overnight and 'additional, liberal parenting time.' And EOW in the summer. No BM NEVER hears from me, unless she is buying me something after calling CPS- I know I 'shouldn't' but I have emailed her in the past to  say her gifts are not welcome in the home. 

Quoting fedupmama:

I am curious what the custody situation is?  Also does BM see or hear about your reaction to this kind of stuff?  Because likely she knows exactly what she is doing.  


Cfischer0217
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:19 AM
That's great! I'm glad to hear you guys have started counseling. We are going to as well!
Yeah crazy controlling bms are difficult. All you ca do is try. My dh stood up to bm yesterday (which was awesome) and she gave in a bit but still had to change the plans just enough to convienience her. Normally I would have flipped cause I'm so stressed all the time but I just pointed out to dh what she did and then I let it go! lol the important thing is that he is trying :)
You are spot on about the first refusal!!! It's a scam when two people don't get along and when they do you don't need it!
My dh says the same thing. They should be spending the night at our house if bm is going to drop them at her moms house.
Has your ss started going to counseling again?

Quoting Agentmom4957:

DH and I are doing very well. We had a counseling session and it was so good that the couselor was almost in tears. I'm not sure what exactly the change was...but I DO think it had a lot to do with this group. I know that I had some serious changes that I needed to make, however it took some prodding and sometimes nasty comments from the peanut gallery here to show me that. (A lot I did not agree with, but the rest helped so much) And DH had a lot of serious changes to make too. Neither one of us could do that until we let the past go and met in the middle. It's not perfect, but man is it so much better. 

As for how DH is doing with the BM stuff? Much better. He is trying to be the voice of reason. It's hard for him to have a crazy woman in control as much as BM is, but he's starting to learn that all he can do is do the best he can, not argue with crazy- and take notes. Lol... 

And the effed up thing about first refusal, is that it only works when the two get along. And if they DO...it's not needed to be put in a CO. DH doesn't care if someone watches the kids for her during an afternoon for a couple hours, but overnights he feels he should have the kids. She doesn't agree, but threatens to put him in jail, if I watch the kids for an hour! lol...oh man. 

Quoting Cfischer0217: Ugh that's crazy!! Bm makes no sense!!
The first refusal is in my dh papers too and it causes nothing but trouble! Bm can use it all she wants but when dh tries to use it she won't allow it! The kids go to her moms instead of with us! But my dh is finally starting to stand up to her, so hopefully it continues!
How is you dh doing with everything?

fedupmama
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:21 AM

Do you react in front of the kids?  Because if you do she knows how it upsets you.  And, yes you shouldn' t have emailed her because now she knows how much it bothers you.  I would not react at all, because she wants a reaction.  

Quoting Agentmom4957:

DH has EOWE, Thursdays overnight and 'additional, liberal parenting time.' And EOW in the summer. No BM NEVER hears from me, unless she is buying me something after calling CPS- I know I 'shouldn't' but I have emailed her in the past to  say her gifts are not welcome in the home. 

Quoting fedupmama:

I am curious what the custody situation is?  Also does BM see or hear about your reaction to this kind of stuff?  Because likely she knows exactly what she is doing.  



fedupmama
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:24 AM

Completely agree with this!!  It is almost like you like the drama that your comments and actions create.... Pick your battles wisely,  stop complaining about petty things that in the grand scheme of things don't matter. And I also think it is sad that the girls have to stop an activity because EVERYONE is to worried about who pays what to care that ultimately it is ONLY the girls that are impacted.  I never have understood that BM or BD (depending on the situation) don't pay for anything when they have the children the majority of the time. CS does not cover all expenses generally.  

Quoting wise.toes:

i have to ask how BM gets by not paying for shit for her children when it seems she's the primary parent? i'm sure she pays for a lot. 

how do the girls feel about being removed from gymnastics because mom and dad are too busy fighting? =(

as for the sleepover with gma thing..that was such a silly thing to get in an argument over. what would have a night with his mother harmed? seems he was fighting her for the sake of fighting her.

in high conflict situations it's very important to choose your battles wisely. 

and comments you've made to her are so completely unnecessary. everyone in this situation needs to grow up and learn how to shut their mouths and only communicate when necessary. 

the party should have been planned on his time to begin with. would have saved all the drama of the back and forth there too.


mamanay041010
by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 10:24 AM
im torn on one hand it seems THEM two have the issue and they like going back and forth and honestly you're in the middle but because he's your husband you take his side, the fact that she buys gifts as an attempt at apologies is wired but also something I would respect, it seems like honestly you guys may need to have a sit down, there may be some things that need to be ironed out, how long have you two been together?? Are you sure they're both completely over each other??
Again it sounds like you three with a mediator if that's needed need to sit and discuss what works best and don't change that plan because that's when the issues arise,

Get this stuff down and in writing so you guys can divide it all up, im sure she's supporting. The kids in some way if she's working and the primary parent if he's paying support that should cover other activities if set an amount you guys are willing to offer up monthly if money is truly tight
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