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Help!

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 4:08 PM
  • 8 Replies

I have 2 biological daughters and 1 step daughter. We have been a blended family for about 12 years. My step daughters mother didn't want anything to do with her so, she had a nanny and my husband until she was 3 1/2. My girls then 12 and 5 years old have always been with me since I divorced their father. He is bipolar and started using drugs. We have been a good family until these last few years... My stepdaughter was starting to visit her mother on weekend only basis, she was sleeping on different couches of the boyfriends her mother chose (there were many) my husband would let her go saying he couldn't keep her from her mother. SD finally got tired of it, she was doing strange things at school and losing friends and just wanted to move. My husband decieded we should all move to another state, a fresh start he said... Anyway this is a very long and complicated story of course that didn't work out either and she lost all friends and became bulimic. I have been the only parent in her life that takes care of her, listens to her, and gets her help. well we are in another state at least we have family here! But same old senerio she has lost all friends, became suicidal, and very active with a lot of boys. We've been taking her to a therapist for about 10 months and even put her into a partial hospitalization program. She's been diagnosed with deppression and attachment disorder due to her mothers lack of interest most of her life. She has been talking and texting with her BM a lot. Her mother tells her everything is my fault and that she still loves my husband. I have tried to be civil with this woman for SD'S benefit but am at the end of my rope! The psychologist say she's taking out all of her anger on me (really being awful) and worst part is my husband won't do anything about it. I feel like she is taking all of the joy out of my life and my poor 17 year old has to deal with this everyday. She talks bad about me and my D to anyone that will listen, she is so jealous of my daughter but acts like she's her bestfriend to her face. I just want to run!!!!

by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 4:08 PM
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Replies (1-8):
pusheen-kitty
by Battler on Feb. 18, 2015 at 4:15 PM
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Sorry you are going through this.

I am going to say what most women on this site would say- It is not a BM problem or SD problem but a DH problem. He can talk to his ex directly or talk to his kid. You can talk to the psychologist about this ; you can learn to cope; but dont take it personally. BM can say whatever she wants; your SD can believe whatever she wants; you can choose to disengage or you can continue what you are doing. But her father needs to be the parent here. You should not be the only stable adult- Her father needs to be that for his kid. Does that make sense?
MilkLover0203
by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 4:17 PM
1 mom liked this
Oh, I'd fucking run. Run fast.
Agentmom4957
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 4:23 PM
1 mom liked this

Chin up, be strong and know that you have no control over what this woman says about you. Breathe. All you can do is try your best to be the voice of reason, the example of calm and collected. Keep communication with DH open- pusheen-kitty is right, this is DH's job to try and enforce boundaries and resolution options. Just make sure that since this affects EVERYONE in your family, that you keep lines of communication open. Many on this site say, 'this is his thing, you stay out'. But I don't agree that you can just avoid the issues and put a glass wall in front of your life to block these things from affecting you. Maybe he can go to counseling on his own, this is a VERY difficult spot for him, as well as you to be in. It seems like you have changed your life so much, it'd be a shame if it didn't work out. Talk talk talk, that's all I can say! :) Sorry you are going through this though. 

CStarz
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 4:36 PM
2 moms liked this

You have two choices- you can do what everyone here will say and dump the issue on your dh and 'run' away from it or you can stand up and be the adult and take it head on for you, your marriage and your family. You and dh need to be a united front here- talk with him and come up with a game plan to meet the situaiton head on.

Head on means accepting that this child has a screwed up mother who will not take responsibility for her actions but rather blames everyone else. It will take time for your SD to understand and accept the reality of the situation. It is difficult enough for a parent to accept a kid with problems- imagine being a kid with a shitty parent- this will be a major psychological issue for your sd- her self-esteem, sense of self, etc., are all wrapped up in her relationship or rejection by  her mother- a crap parent can put you in therapy for years.

Best advice is just be there- do your best and everyone be up front with sd- you, dad and your kids- if she is hurting someone's feelings, say it- don't walk on egg shells and give her the idea that she has control over everyone and the situation.

Sit down and talk to her- confront her about her issues, ask her what she wants to know- answer her questions- she just may open up. Continue with the therapy- hopefully she will come out the other side with a better understanding of herself and her relationship with her mother- hopefully she will value herself more than her mother does.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 6:22 PM
1 mom liked this
God's honest truth id most likely move out and make him deal w his kids issues. I wouldn't subject mine to it.
AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 6:42 PM
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I would move out. This isn't BM... this is all your DH. He needs to step up and actually be a parent to his child instead of just taking the easy way out. Did I read that right, two moves for a "new start" for her but therapy is relatively new? Smh.
whatIknownow
by on Feb. 18, 2015 at 7:58 PM

She was never yours. That was where you went wrong.

What outcome would you like to see from all this? Would you like a good relationship with your SD?

Quoting ASHKAIT17:

I have such guilt for the feelings I have towards  this girl that I have raised and considered mine. I just can't stand to be around her at all anymore.


WasStepMonster
by Member on Feb. 18, 2015 at 8:05 PM

As (step)parents we're never promised a rose garden  - this happens in intact families as well.  Get yourself into counseling to learn healthy coping mechanisms so that you can deal with this and what could possibly be down the road for you.  If BF is aligning behind his DD, then that is a HUGE warning flag to me.  

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