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So now it's all my fault?? *Vent*

Posted by on Feb. 23, 2015 at 12:51 PM
  • 28 Replies

 A little back-story on me and my stitch since I don't really get on here that much:

DH and I have a "yours, mine, ours" type of situation. When we first started dating, I had two and he had one with one of the way. After the DNA test came back that SD was his and also after much drama with BM, they finally went to establish a CO after I kept urging DH is do it. I didn't go with him because I felt it wasn't my place but I had a feeling he would come back with some crazy CO and he did. The original CO was that the parents would switch off every two weeks and some weeks, one parent would have them for three weeks. Well DH is a firefighter who works 24 hours shifts and he works a part-time job so he was NEVER home. We got SD when she was an infant so I took on clothes shopping, baby supply shopping, pretty much everything. I was always the one to do drop-offs and pick-ups which became pretty stressful because the job I had at the time wasn't a standard 9-5 job and I got in trouble a lot because I couldn't stay when I needed to. It wasn't until two-maybe 3- years later when SS started acting out in school (like throwing chairs and punching kids) that my suggestion of changing the CO so that he was in a stable home throughout the school year was really considered. Both DH and BM decided that she would take the school year and he would do EOWE and Summers. Right after the switch, SS started behaving in school.

So now on to my vent:

On Saturday, DH and I were in a heated debate about some other topic and he threw out some statement about now he's sees why my daughter acts like this. It really irritates me because kids are off limits and I know if I made such a statement, he would be livid. Plus, he doesn't have the best relationship with my daughter and while I know that he doesn't have to because he isn't her dad, it still makes me sad. I told him that wasn't fair to bring her up and I wouldn't do that to him. Then he says "Well, it's not like you like E & J (sks), you are the one that pushed them out. You never wanted them here anyway". That really hurt! Even with the current CO, I still wind up being the primary caregiver. I wish BM and DH would understand that the SKs need to be over when DH is there but neither one of them will understand that and I can't just refuse to let them come over (plus I wouldn't do that because our younger kids need to bond with them). But I just don't see how he could think I pushed them out-hell I still put SS on the bus every damn morning!

by on Feb. 23, 2015 at 12:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
WLA_diva
by Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 1:04 PM

Maybe you could explain to him in a letter so that he can read it over and over again?  Sometimes when we are angry, we aren't listening to what each other is saying.  When things are calmer, he can read it with a clear mind.  

Quoting LNLMommy:

 Even with the current CO, I still wind up being the primary caregiver. I wish BM and DH would understand that the SKs need to be over when DH is there but neither one of them will understand that and I can't just refuse to let them come over (plus I wouldn't do that because our younger kids need to bond with them). But I just don't see how he could think I pushed them out-hell I still put SS on the bus every damn morning!


tossed
by Bronze Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 1:09 PM

Most people say hurtful things when they are mad. The fact that it hurt you tells me that you really love your step kids. Hugs. 

ramita
by Silver Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 1:09 PM
I'm sorry you're going through that. He obviously blames you for him not getting his kids like he did before even though it was probably obvious it needed to be different. I know I would've popped off with all I actually do for them and how if I didn't like them I wouldn't do it, but that may have made it worse in the moment. Maybe you could try talking to him calmly about how he feels and don't just let him off the hook easily without actually talking about it.
LNLMommy
by Bronze Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 1:46 PM

 That's really good advice! I will try that, thank you!

Quoting WLA_diva:

Maybe you could explain to him in a letter so that he can read it over and over again?  Sometimes when we are angry, we aren't listening to what each other is saying.  When things are calmer, he can read it with a clear mind.  

Quoting LNLMommy:

 Even with the current CO, I still wind up being the primary caregiver. I wish BM and DH would understand that the SKs need to be over when DH is there but neither one of them will understand that and I can't just refuse to let them come over (plus I wouldn't do that because our younger kids need to bond with them). But I just don't see how he could think I pushed them out-hell I still put SS on the bus every damn morning!

 

 

LNLMommy
by Bronze Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 1:50 PM

 I really do. It hasn't been easy but I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Quoting tossed:

Most people say hurtful things when they are mad. The fact that it hurt you tells me that you really love your step kids. Hugs. 

 

LNLMommy
by Bronze Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 1:55 PM

 I did fire back with how I felt it was bullshit for him to say that and tried to get him to explain why he felt that way. It hurts for him to blame me when I clearly have no control over their CO. I don't treat them any differently, I smother them with love-especially when I know how chaotic the home situation is with BM. Even when I suggested changing the CO, I never said that BM should take them during the school year, I just said either/or.

Quoting ramita: I'm sorry you're going through that. He obviously blames you for him not getting his kids like he did before even though it was probably obvious it needed to be different. I know I would've popped off with all I actually do for them and how if I didn't like them I wouldn't do it, but that may have made it worse in the moment. Maybe you could try talking to him calmly about how he feels and don't just let him off the hook easily without actually talking about it.

 

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 2:06 PM

 oh fuck that. id have gone in his ass. after all i put up with. oh no.

LNLMommy
by Bronze Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 2:21 PM

 Yea I was pissed and in order to avoid my questions, he put on his sleep mask and turned his back to me. He has made snide comments before about me not liking them-which I chew his ass out because it's just ridiculous. He stopped saying that when I pointed out to him that no other woman would have stuck by his side-especially with a crazy ex who was violent towards me. But clearly, just because he stopped saying it doesn't mean he stopped believing it.

Quoting faerie75:

 oh fuck that. id have gone in his ass. after all i put up with. oh no.

 

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Feb. 23, 2015 at 3:46 PM
My SO gets defensive of bad behavior but doesn't accuse me of hating them.

Quoting LNLMommy:

 Yea I was pissed and in order to avoid my questions, he put on his sleep mask and turned his back to me. He has made snide comments before about me not liking them-which I chew his ass out because it's just ridiculous. He stopped saying that when I pointed out to him that no other woman would have stuck by his side-especially with a crazy ex who was violent towards me. But clearly, just because he stopped saying it doesn't mean he stopped believing it.


Quoting faerie75:

 oh fuck that. id have gone in his ass. after all i put up with. oh no.


 

wise.toes
by on Feb. 23, 2015 at 3:48 PM
1 mom liked this

i'd never have married a man that didn't have a less than wonderful relationship with my child. 

i'd be pissed if i were him too. first you urge him to seek custody, then you urge him to have his children less. 

pick a lane, and stick to it. 

it sucks being the caretaker children that aren't yours, but...quite frankly that's part of being in a blended family, especially given his career and hours. were these issues not discussed beforehand?

you are not the primary caregiver if they're only there EOWE. mom is.

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